They Turned My Life Story Into A Book?

About one in every 100 people doesn’t care what others think of him. These people are hard to spot. They are usually physically healthy, and their intelligence is often above average. Yet, in the words of one psychiatrist, they lie without compunction, cheat, steal, and casually violate any and all norms of social conduct whenever it suits their whim. They have no concern for others’ suffering, no remorse when caught, and punishment does little to change them. They are called psychopaths. - People Will Talk: The Surprising Science Of Reputation (John Whitfield)

Okay, so not entirely accurate, but it’s close. It depends upon how literal your interpretation is. Do I care what others think of me? No, not in a general sense. Do I want my friends to like me? My family? Sure. But if I’m out around town am I conscious of how strangers perceive me, and do I care? No. Not at all. Odds are I don’t think highly of them anyway. Especially if it’s some stupid hipster chick dressed up like Pocahontas or some guy in neon wayfarers despite the tenebrous surroundings of whatever bar I’m blacking out at. Am I physically healthy? Yes. Mentally? Probably not. Is my intelligence above average? Yes. If IQ tests are to be trusted I’m of “superior” intelligence, even. Do I lie without compunction? I mean…not all the time…but don’t we all? Like, do you feel guilty about lying when you want to take a sick day from work and you’re not sick? Do you struggle with accepting your own unscrupulous behavior if said behavior involves, say, telling a girl something an untruth that will allow you to fuck her? Do I cheat? I don’t know, what constitutes cheating outside of a scholastic setting? I cheated on tests all the time when I was in middle school and high school. I wrote little vocal words in light pencil on my desk so I could remember them, I once handed in a book report that was taken off the Internet without so much as a single word changed. Granted, I did it because I was testing the teacher (who would grade papers without making a single correction, and I wanted to see if he actually read what was handed in), but it was still cheating. It wasn’t my paper. Anyway…cheating. How does one “cheat” outside of school. Is that like deflating income or creating large deductions on tax returns? Driving faster than the posted speed limit? And what’s so bad about stealing, anyway? I mean, I’m not going to jack someone’s car or anything (because I don’t know how) but if I’m cut and bleeding in a supermarket or pharmacy why shouldn’t I be allowed to take a bandaid from them? Why can’t I skip out on a tab if the bar SUCKS (I’ve only done that once, it was unintentional because I was drunk, and I kind of felt bad about it afterwards?)? Am I remorseful when caught? I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve ever been caught doing anything a psychiatrist would describe as psychopathic. I’ll let you know if/when that ever happens.

According to this book psychopathy is no longer considered to be a disorder. It’s more like a “feature.” Which makes it sound totally awesome, right? It’s like, check out all the features on my new iPhone! RIGHT? Instead of feeling like a pariah I should embrace all the mental features I have and boast about them to people. The lying, cheating, stealing…maybe I’ll start calling them my body’s apps. Downloadable as DNA. Cool, man. Cool.

A psychopath’s deceitful, manipulative, and callous nature equips him (it’s several times more likely to be a “him”) to fill this niche. Psychopaths’ deficit is in empathy, not reason. They understand morality but they are immune to other people’s emotions.

So is that why I never listen when other people talk? Is that why my mom took to calling me “Walter Mitty” when I was young? She always thought it was because I was off in my own world, but now I see that I just couldn’t empathize with anything she said! It makes perfect sense. That’s why when friends come and cry to me about all their life problems I just sit there and go “Uh…” and laugh uncomfortably. Because I think they’re problems are stupid and unworthy of any response from me. That said, when I come to others with problems and they don’t invest the proper amount of attention I freak out and fantasize about murdering them. I keep it to myself, though. I don’t want them to know.

There aren’t many openings for psychopaths, because if there were lots of them, there would be no society to plunder. Evolutionary biologists call this frequency dependence: it means that the rarer a trait becomes, the more it pays off.

Listen, if you’re going to say that having a rare mental “feature” that provides a “pay off” is a good thing, why haven’t I reaped any rewards from my psychopathy, yet? Am I going to win the lottery or something? Are you suggesting I go out and steal lottery tickets? Listen, Doc, you’re sending me a lot of mixed signals here and I wish I could react in a way that was both satisfying for you and profitable for me. And I don’t just mean cerebrally.

Oh, here we go — a section called “Signs of the psychopath!”

• “They are often drifters” – I prefer to call myself a troubadour.
• “They have a dread of commitment in work, friendship or romance.” – Shit. So true.
• “They go for the quick buck and the one-night stand.” – Okay, this is getting weird.
• “They are impulsive and uninhibited, and bore easily.” – Does freaking out on my roommates and leaving the room to write this because they wanted to watch a different movie than I did count?
• “Someone who lives fast and does what he can to escape the consequences.” – I imagine if I wasn’t popping downers and drinking all the time I might live faster, and both of those vices have their consequences, so maybe I don’t fit this one? It’s more like a goal I strive for than a facet of my personality or psychology.

You can read the whole excerpt for yourself on the Scientific American website, or you can find the book People Will Talk: The Surprising Science Of Reputation, by John Witfield (Wiley, 2011) and buy it for yourself. A family friend used to work for Wiley. I’ve applied for jobs there. They know what they’re doing. They would not hire me if they read this blog entry. I can assure you of that. Speaking of which, do psychopaths blog? You’d have to imagine a fair number of them do. I’d say it takes a person with a complete lack of self-awareness or care to put so much of themselves out there for the world to see. No one would hire me if they read this shit. Do I care about that consequence? Of course not. Do you want to know why?

Because I’m a psychopath.

Watch out ladies, I’m “dangerous”. I’m the guy your mom always warned you about growing up.

Unfortunately for me, psychopaths reach their sexual peaks early in life, before most women realize that cool, psychotic guys like me aren’t exactly breadwinners. So they marry balding Jewish bankers. Fuck ‘em all, I say.

Happy birthday, mom. I love you so much!

Sandoz Lab Technicians – Spanish Psychodrama [MP3]