An Analysis Of Amelia McDick-Party’s Appearance On “The Today Show”

I guess being a blogger and having no filter pays off sometimes. At least it does for Amelia McDick-Party, who when I last checked in was video-blogging from her bathtub (ew, bad camera angle!) and talking about her “picking problem” (what a turn-on!). See, whereas I blog about my personal life in great detail and receive only hate mail, Amelia manages to parlay it into cewebrity superstardom. If you think a fitness video and being asked to talk about online dating on The Today Show are impressive feats.

That’s right, people. If you tuned into The Today Show this morning at 10:38am EST, you got to see the woman of my nightmares live, in studio, chatting with Kathy Lee and some lady in a weird leopard print dress who looks like she was left in the oven a bit too long. Because Amelia is apparently an expert in the field of online dating. So, how did she do?

Considering how nervous she was about the appearance, I’d say she did pretty well. First of all, let’s size her up, shall we? Her bangs looked kinda cute swept to the side, but her conservative outfit totally hides her cans. Also, what’s with the crossed legs? Considering how often she spreads those things you’d think she’d at least give us a little peak at what’s underneath. No? Whatever. She looked really cute. There, I said it.

You can almost see her form here — or at least the general shape of her cans, and maybe the top of
her paunch? Notice how she’s staring at that guy as if she hates him
and can’t wait for him to finish his stupid thought.

If she’d just sat there and looked pretty, she might not have warranted this critique of her performance. Instead, she had to go and open her mouth and ruin the appearance. First she cuts off the guy in the farmer John shirt to boast about how she knows the names of three dating websites. Farmer John just has to sit there and nod as she pats herself on the back for quickly rattling off the names of the websites. Whereas the guy just nods along as Amelia speaks, whenever he speaks she has to open her mouth and agree, which is really annoying when you’re trying to hear what the dude has to say (that is, if you care).

The next questions is about –

OH MY GOD, AMELIA HAS AN OKCUPID PROFILE!? I HAVE TO SEE THIS.

Notice how she clenches her lips when she studies Farmer John’s package.
You can see how badly she wants to unhinge that jaw and go to town on his meat stick.

Er…first I have to sign up for an OkCupid account. Oh sweet Lord, this is going to be hysterically funny. Hang on…let me create an account so I can find her and analyze her online dating profile. This is WAY better than judging her ability to speak over her co-guest on a morning talk show!

Okay. I made a profile. Now to find Amelia!

Since I know where she lives (I created my profile using the same zip code so as to narrow down the number of search results I’m going to see when I look for her) and how old she is, now I just have to figure out how to find her profile. The Today Show gives me an idea of what pictures she’s posted, but I still have to FIND them. My first search, of women between the ages of Amelia’s age and Amelia’s age, who live in Amelia’s zip code, returned way too many results. The Today Show infographic is too blurry for me to pick out a string of words I might use to narrow my search. Although, it looks like she says she’s, “working hard and playing harder” in answer to the question “What I’m Doing With My Life”. That returns too many results too. Then they zoom in on her “Self-Summary” and I see the words “fun” and “outgoing.” A search for the words “fun”, “outgoing” “working” “hard” and “harder” in profiles of girls who are Amelia’s age in Amelia’s zip code returns just two results. And one of them is her.

Now we know what Amelia and Farmer John look like when they achieve orgasm!

Wow. I really hope this is a fake profile she just made for the show, because, it’s the most banal online dating profile I’ve ever read!

(Note: it’s also the second one I’ve ever read, the first being the one I just created)

Is this really the expert The Today Show should have asked for online dating advice? She sounds like the most boring, vanilla girl ever birthed. She likes “whatever’s good” when it comes to music, and spends a lot of time thinking about what she’s going to have for lunch? Those pictures aren’t helping either, Amelia. Nobody wants to date a girl with a mustache (I’ve dated a few girl with sideburns, but I also grew up in a mostly-Jewish suburb of New Jersey, so there weren’t too many unique fish in that pond!). Nobody wants to date a girl with Kiki Dunst teeth, either. By the way, when the host asks Amelia, “That’s you on the left, too?” in regards to her picture with the mustache — amazing insult that flew totally under the radar. Amelia, if that were me I would’ve responded with a snide remark about her stupid outfit and wrinkled old face.

Did you really just agree with someone’s sentiment that men on dating site’s might be lying about inches on their waist? Are there really dating sites that ask men to input their waist size? That seems completely insane. I can’t believe you use online dating sites. See…this is why you only got a B grade from me on your performance today.

Finally, here’s Amelia’s face at the moment she says,
“…I would say most people Do-Do before dating.”
Ha! Way to subvert morning television standards
and practices by sneaking a poop joke into your segment!

Well, Amelia, for your first proper television appearance I’d say you did pretty alight! You didn’t pass out or throw up, so you’ve definitely got that going for you. You also managed to interject to show you were in agreement with other people, which is kind of a no-no, but hopefully you can fix that little idiosyncrasy of yours in the future.

Pussy Galore – Pretty Fuck Look [MP3]