It’s time for a new feature. This page is beginning to go stale. I can only write so much about The Frisky before I start feeling that this blog is an exercise in futility. Since I cannot afford to go out on the town every night, wining and dining with this city’s most powerful people, and because cooking is the easiest way for a man to get into a woman’s pants (next to roofies, of course!), recipe sharing seems a no-brainer. What do you mean, “Save it for your Tumblr, fag!”? Can’t a music blogger who doesn’t blog about music venture off into other journalistic realms? I already review restaurants, why can’t I review my own culinary creations? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Take your stupid Tumblr comments and your “I can’t be bothered reading this site if it’s not about avant-garde music” attitude and shove ‘em up your ass.
I’m not a good chef. That’s probably not the best way to begin my first foray into recipe sharing, but it was the first thought that came to mind. My inability to put together dishes likely stems from a combination of severe laziness, lack-of-coordination, and a shockingly short attention span. Somehow this has not stopped me from impressing women with my cooking prowess. So I figure if I can do it, any of you shlubs should be able to as well. Here, let me help you cook your way into the bonze zone with a lucky lady or twelve.
Aunt Kathy’s Mexican Chicken
Is calling something “Mexican” pejorative slang? Does it carry a negative connotation, like “Jew” or the N-word? I don’t even know if this is a Mexican dish. I just know that my aunt makes it, it’s super easy to prepare, and it uses one or two ingredients that are sometimes found in Mexican cuisine. Best of all, it’s tasty, chicks dig it, and the last one I made it for put out. So there’s that.
Here’s what you’ll need:
3 Chicken breasts (that’s why it’s called Mexican chicken)
1 T Olive Oil (is that a tablespoon or a teaspoon? They both start with T!)
1 t Cumin
“Dash” of Salt
1/2 t Cayenne Pepper
2 minced cloves Garlic
1 8-9 oz. can of Stewed Tomatoes
1/3 C Sour Cream (you can substitute Greek Yogurt if you’re weirded out about Sour Cream like I am)
1 ripe Avocado (diced)
1/4 C chopped Cilantro
- Heat the oil. Because…well…I don’t know why you heat pans with oil. If I had to guess I’d say it’s to keep stuff from sticking to the pan? It also might help it cook faster. I don’t know for certain what the reason is, but we do it, hence it is required.
- Sprinkle chicken with cumin, salt, and cayenne pepper. Don’t bother measuring. Only losers measure out ingredients. I tend to go pretty light on the salt (this isn’t meat, we don’t want a weird crust on it or anything) and heavier on the cayenne and cumin, because I like my food spicy.
- Put the minced garlic and the chicken together in a skillet on medium/high heat for two minutes per side. Once you see those initial signs that magic is beginning to happen you can add the stewed tomatoes. Yes, there is probably science involved as well as magic, but I don’t know how to tell the difference.
- Cover your skillet with something slightly larger than your skillet (maybe a bigger skillet?) and allow the mixture to simmer until it’s fully cooked (15-20 minutes). At this point you can walk away and pound shots or smoke a joint. You don’t have to stand over it like some kind of neurotic softy who’s afraid of burning chicken.
- Remove the chicken from the stew and put it somewhere else. I suggest a nearby plate, as I’m sure the floor and the countertop are both worse options — if you have to ask, they’re worse options because they’re usually dirtier than a clean plate.
- Continue to cook down the tomatoes slightly until they thicken. This should take between 2 and 5 minutes. Use your eyes to judge when it’s thickened, that’s what they’re for.
- Reduce the heat to low
- Stir in the sour cream, the diced avocado and the cilantro. I guess you can prepare these ingredients during the 15-20 minutes when the chicken and tomatoes are cooking. Smart chefs probably use this time to prep the rest of the dish. I usually go next door and ask Nate or Tom to play Mario Kart, then after 20 or 25 minutes I race back over to the stove and hurriedly throw everything together.
- Once the sour cream, avocado and cilantro are mixed together nicely with the stewed tomatoes, you can portion the chicken onto separate plates and then pour the sauce over the chicken. I like to serve it with homemade guacamole also, which is really easy to make if you just smash some avocados, mix in some jalapeño, serrano and onion, then find every other chili or spice you can use until it becomes inedible. Brown rice also makes for a solid vehicle for transporting any excess sauce into your nog hole.
At it’s best, Aunt Kathy’s Mexican Chicken is a kind of healthy, wholesome dish that is both rustic and…uh…ethnic? At it’s worst, Aunt Kathy’s Mexican Chicken is totally ruined because you’ve forgotten to drain the excess water from the canned tomatoes. Trust me, no amount of corn starch can save a watery tomato-water sauce. And it won’t — I repeat won’t — get you laid. But if you do it right, and you follow my simple directions, I can guarantee your romantic dinner will end with a trip to the bone zone. I have a 100% success rate with this recipe, which is a more impressive way of saying the one time I tried it, it worked.
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