In Which I Apply For A Job

February 9, 2012
  • In Which I Apply For A Job

I don’t make a very good living. You’re probably aware of this, because if I had more money I wouldn’t spend my free time maintaining a blog. I’d be out hiking through the dense jungles of some tropical-climate country. I’d be fishing with my uncle in Savannah, drinking MGD and Wild Turkey. Or maybe I’d just be sleeping and eating, and on the weekends I’d be doing everything I can to forget about the mundane existence of most 9-5ers.

That’s not to say I lead a boring life, or that I hate my job. It provides me with enough money to pay rent and still have a social life, I get to wake up at 9am instead of being in an office or some other place of business by 9am. I’m surrounded by music, I get to meet people from all walks of life, from homeless guy who smell like the apocalypse to presidents of record companies and famous movie stars. Alas, this isn’t a career. This isn’t what I went to college for (college is for learning how to hold your booze like an adult and demystify sex). So even though I’m employed — not gainfully, but employed nonetheless — I spend a few hours on my days off looking at job postings and applying for different positions.

Of course, having a degree in writing is both a blessing and a curse. A lot of companies hire writers and editors! Unfortunately, there are a seemingly infinite number of people to compete with for each available job! In order to kill two birds with one stone, I’m devoting today’s blog entry to searching for potential new jobs.

Here’s the routine. First we check Cragislist (which is, generally, a terrible place to find a job), then we’ll check Media Bistro. If I find one job that fits my qualifications I’ll feel accomplished. I’ll be able to say I’ve done something with my day off from work. Then I can pop some pills and eat Qdoba and feel a sense of purpose. Let’s see what’s out there:

Every time I visit Craigslist I’m reminded of my former life as a performance artist, where I’d write the most bizarre personal ads I could imagine and then go on dates with the mentally unstable girls who would respond to them. And even though I’m here to find a job, today the compulsion to either check out singles in my area or compose a personal ad was too much. I created an account and posted an ad.

Wow. Only four jobs today. This could be the shortest Craigslist job hunt I’ve ever gone on. The first one, “Write 3,000 word articles. Earn cash + royalties. Work from home!” seems like a joke so I’m not even going to bother. Dazadi is looking for a merchandising/copywrite Intern. It’s a three-month long, unpaid internship. Nope! Someone on the West Side is looking for a junior research assistant to pick photos to be included in an e-book. It pays $20 an hour, but I’m pretty sure it’s a temporary position. Nope! An unnamed company out by the airport is looking for a copywriter-slash-product-describer? Couldn’t you think of a more professional-sounding description than “product describer”? Also, what does PhotoShop have to do with copywriting? I mean, obviously I’m proficient in it (I dated an actress for a few years) but…I don’t see the connection. Compensation to be determined. Don’t know who the company is or what they do. Is it worth a quick e-mail? Sure, why not. Canned, generic cover letter included.

Now on to Media Bistro! This is usually the part of the process where I sink into a depression because I don’t even understand what the words mean in these job titles. Social Media & Marketing Coordinator? Sounds like something I can’t do. Digital Sales Planner? What does that have to do with writing or editing? Ad Sales Representative? Did I just find a sales job board? I thought this site was for the more creative side of media jobs. Director, Audience Research, NBCU EDN/IM. So now I have to be a doctor to apply for a job? What’s EDN/IM stand for, anyway? Ear/Digestive/Nose? IM is Internal Medicine, right? I feel so unqualified for these jobs. Oh, cool, Google’s hiring. Oh, wait. Their office is in Mountain View. Streetwise Reports is looking for a Reporter! …In Petaluma. Where is that? Los Angeles Confidential is looking for an Office Manager. That might work.

A ha! There it is! Playboy Magazine is hiring a Copy Editor! 401K/ Dental, Health, only need two years of experience. You guys, I think I can do this. Plus, it’s Playboy, so I’m sure no one else could be applying for this job. Right? RIGHT?

Eh. There’s no way I’ll get the job but it’s definitely worth a unique cover latter and a resume. The trick to applying to a job at a company like Playboy (and I say this as if I do it all the time, when the truth is I never have, because usually I’m trying to get hired by companies like UrbanDaddy, or Serious Eats, or The Frisky) is to make your cover letter pop while also treating the magazine as if it’s more than just naked chicks. So maybe spend two paragraphs building yourself up and applauding your resume, then hit ’em with a joke about reading Playboy for the articles, and stealing the magazine from you dad when you were eight years old and stockpiling ’em in the basement. Classy? Probably not. Hire-worthy? Absolutely not.

Hey, what’s the best way to conclude a cover letter? I recently heard that “sincerely” is the most affective closing, but I’ve heard other people say “best” is kind of hip and popular as well. I tend to go back and forth between “sincerely” and “regards,” but the latter sounds way too formal for a job at Playboy that I’m not going to get.

Ah, another day, a few more job leads followed. Who knows, maybe one of these days something will pan out. And I can get a real job. And make some real money. And put this website to rest once and for all. Trust me, I’ll be doing all of us a favor.

Woodsman – Supernal Radionics [MP3]


  1. |

    If you’re making the letter humorous, why not extend that to the closing? Or go with something personal like “hopefully yours.”But “best” makes you sound like a GURL.

    • |

      I think that’s exactly what I told my roommate when he said he always uses “Best”. He claims it is common knowledge that “Best” is short for “Best Regards,” but I think it sounds cheesy. In the end I just went with sincerely. I went with a 2/3 serious, 1/3 joke cover letter. So we’ll see!

  2. |

    Okay, get a real job if you must, but keep the blog going, dammit!

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