On Sharks, Dead Birds, Aliens, Whitney & More!

February 18, 2012

• A researcher from Australia attempting to conduct a “fish census” (hint: there’s millions of ‘em in the sea) caught a wobbegong shark shedding its camouflage in order to eat a bamboo shark. The one with the silly name ate the other shark whole, and the researcher was there to snap a picture of the — I guess — rare event. How does one shark swallow another shark whole, you ask? Look no further than the dislocating jaw, of course! Once that thing unhinges it’s capable of consuming disproportionally large prey. Just like the girl I met at that party in NoHo last weekend. She had one of those dislocating jaws, too! Sadly, unlike the woebegone shark, that girl didn’t swallow her meal whole. She opted for it to glaze her tits. [story]

• Anyone who grows up on the East Coast travels I-95. It’s how I drive to Savannah. Some people even dare take it north, towards Boston, but since “The Deep South of the Northeast” isn’t really a hot tourist destination for rational East Coasters, most people take it south, towards DC or Hilton Head or Florida. Earlier this week hundreds of birds “just dropped from the sky and landed on I-95…bringing afternoon rush hour traffic to a crawl.” Uh…it’s just dead birds, people. No reason that should slow rush hour traffic. It’s not like they’re alive and you might hurt them. Their bones are too little to puncture your tires. If I were caught in such a snarl I’d probably be clawing my eyes out, much like I do when traffic slows to watch an accident or traffic stop on the side of the road. I’m usually pretty calm in my car but when people stop to see what’s happening on the shoulder of a congested highway it makes my blood boil. Hundreds of dead birds in the road? Just drive right over ‘em! Oh, yeah, apocalyptic undertones, blah blah blah blah blah. [story]

• Former Livingston High School alum and current governor of the state of New Jersey Chris Christie has vetoed a same-sex marriage bill. Whoops! I guess he was always one of the guys on the giving end of the toilet plunger and not the receiving end back when he walked the halls of our high school. Meanwhile, fellow LHS alum Chelsea Handler probably said something “shocking” because she’s a woman who thinks comedy is when a girl has a potty mouth. [story]

• Fellow New Jersey native Whitney Houston was mourned by friends and family this morning at a service held at New Hope Baptist Church in Newark. I’d heard a rumor they were going to hold a ceremony at the Prudential Center in honor of Houston. Celebrities would perform, fans could fill the stands, maybe her body would be on display, and the Prudential logo — the white rock outside the building — would be bundled in a plastic bag…you know, to make Whitney’s spirit feel more at home. [story]

• Ugh. I always tell people my age “We were born at the wrong time.” We missed the ’60s altogether, we missed Star Wars the first time around, I was too young to appreciate the Mets winning the world series in ’86, and too old for rainbow parties and middle school/high school sexting. Now it appears as if — once again — further proof of my claim has come to light. “People in the Tri-State Area [that’s New York, New Jersey, Connecticut] are living longer than ever, and if scientists have their way, life expectancies will continue to rise. Technologies today could allow the next generation to live up to 150…” God dammit! So first I miss out on being a part of the sluttiest generation ever because smart phones and Jersey Shore didn’t exist when I was growing up, and now I’m missing out on the generation that’ll live about 75 years longer than I will — double my own lifespan — because future technologies don’t exist yet. That’s not cool! [story]

• Much like every President since Woodrow Wilson, Dwight D. Einsenhower apparently had secret meetings with aliens. This according to a former Pentagon consultant. I like the idea of our presidents sitting down in a top-secret location with little green men, trying to hash out universal policy while not understanding exactly what’s going on out there in space. Do you think the aliens like coffee? Do you think Obama plays one-on-one basketball with whatever aliens he’s meeting with? This article raises so many questions. All of them valid. Why hasn’t one party ever taken the other hostage during one of these encounters? How do we know we’re meeting with the aliens’ top guy? What makes our President more worthy of secret alien meetings than any other leader on our planet? Don’t you think it’s more important that the U.N., or at least some council within the U.N., would meet the aliens — to present a more well-rounded Earth team? And where are these aliens from, anyway? Are the from our galaxy or somewhere far beyond our reach? Obama, you promised transparency and you’re not delivering. Tell me about your alien encounters. [story]

• It’s Nate’s birthday tomorrow (the little guy’s turning 28 I think?) so we’re turning the compound into a party zone tonight and raging in honor of him. Well, everyone else will be raging. I’m not allowed to drink as per my doctor’s orders. They still want to make sure I don’t have a concussion to go along with the laceration on my head. What am I talking about, you ask? Oh believe me, you’ll find out soon enough.

Oneohtrix Point Never - Computer Visions [Mp3]

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