On Sleep, Rivers Turning To Blood, My Oscar Picks & More!

February 25, 2012

• If you were in Beirut last week boy were you in for a shock when the Beirut River turned to blood! I was not there, but I imagine it was similar to the rivers of pink slime flowing beneath New York City in Ghostbusters 2. No one knows the origins of the blood — or if it was even blood — but I’m sure it was something totally out of this world! Or maybe a worker at that little-known Kool-Aid factory in nearby Kreitem secretly disposed of excess cherry-flavored powder in the river, not expecting it to change the color of the water in Beirut. It could also be a sign of the apocalypse. I haven’t seen The Seventh Seal in a long time, but if I remember correctly one of the signs of End Times is a river (or multiple rivers) turning to blood. And what better place for the first sign of the apocalypse to appear than the Middle East! It is 2012, after all… [story]

• This can’t possibly be faked. How could somebody ever Photoshop or doctor a picture of Bigfoot that’s this clear!? Blogger Melissa Hovey (also a dog-owner and Sasquatch researcher from Ohio, according to Squatchopedia) has been holding onto the picture for four years. Apparently it was captured on a trail cam, whatever that means, and whoever owned the photo wouldn’t allow her to publicize it until right now. That makes sense. I guess if I had the best photo of Bigfoot ever I’d send it to some random chick in Ohio. Why not, you know? Don’t send it to the National Enquirer — their reputation sucks. Send it to the random chick. Let her dick around in Photoshop for half-a-decade, then let her go to the press. It’s an ingenious plan. It’s just…it’s too bad it’s not Bigfoot, you know? Because Bigfoot doesn’t exist. [story]

• Leave it to the Brits to defy longstanding beliefs about sleep patterns and the effects of a “good night’s sleep” on our productivity and health. Those bad-teeth-having, pretentious-accent-speaking limeys have now dispelled the myth of the eight-hour sleep. According to, uh…psychiatrist Thomas Weher (who apparently conducted this research during the early ’90s, beginning the question WHY NOW?), it could be beneficial to lie awake in bed for a bit in the middle of the night. Hell, some people even thought that the best time for couples to conceive was during the awake period between two separate four-hour sleep stretches. Which is good to know. The next time a girl wakes me up in the middle of the night for sex I’ll just tell her to blow me because it’s safer. But anyway, as for the eight-hour myth…whoa, this article is way too long. And it starts in with the Renaissance? No thanks. I don’t care about the study that much. I’m gonna give up reading and just assume it’s cool that I never sleep straight through the night unless I’m ossified drunk. [story]

• Oh, folks. Here’s a harrowing tale that is sure to shake you to your very core! According to USA Today, “Americans are getting more privacy-savvy on social networks…managing their privacy settings and their online reputation more often than they did two years earlier…[and] deleting comments from their profile(s)!” In other words, WE’RE GETTING LESS FRIENDLY ON FACEBOOK! Here’s the part where you start to panic and society tears itself apart like an angry child with a napkin. Or, you know, you can totally not give a shit — just like me! See, we’re not so different! Of course we have nothing in common and I probably wouldn’t be able to stand you were we in each other’s presence, but that doesn’t mean I hate you. It just means I don’t care about you. Which is further proof that we’re getting less friendly. But it’s not just me, guys. It’s everyone! For example, three weeks ago I went to this party in NoHo, and I started talking to a girl. She grabbed my phone and found herself on Facebook and added me as a friend. Then we snuck away from the party and fooled around for a while. But when she left I felt unfulfilled, so I started talking to one of her co-workers. And then that girl blew me in the apartment complex’s courtyard. Wouldn’t you know it, the next morning that first girl had deleted me as a Facebook friend and sent me a nasty message about it. WHY IS EVERYONE SO UNFRIENDLY ON FACEBOOK THESE DAYS? Read the article and find out. [story]

• Speaking of social networking, are any of you on this mostly-useless new network called This Is My Jam? I am! Here’s my…thing. I’m going to try my best to update it twice a week. Sundays and Thursdays. That should give you an idea of which songs playing in my head ad infinitum, like that episode of Seinfeld where George has “Master Of The House” stuck in his head. Only I’m not going crazy. I’m already crazy. So, yeah. Follow me and twice each week I’ll post my newest jam, and then you’ll be able to listen to it and maybe imagine yourself sitting next to me, listening to some cool-ass jams and jamming out like we were a couple of jam bros! JAM ON!

• Tomorrow is the Academy Awards, which means good luck getting around Hollywood tonight! It also means I need to share my Oscar picks with you. This is difficult for me because I have a hard time sitting still for more than a minute or two at a time. Imagine me trying to watch a whole movie!? Like Tree Of Life? That thing was, like, nine hours long. And the weed brownie definitely didn’t help time move faster. So, what are my picks? Well, The Descendants should win Best Picture. Jean Dujardin should win best actor. I didn’t see any of the best actress nominees save for Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady but I don’t think she’s going to win…so I’ll go with the chick from The Help because that’s who everyone else says is going to win. I’d like to see Nick Notle win an award but he won’t. That kid in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close made me wonder why 20th trimester abortions aren’t legal. I’ll take the girl from The Artist as best supporting actress because that was the only one I saw. I’d like to see Terrence Malick win best director, or Woody Allen, but it’ll probably be one of the other three nominees. I also think the guys who wrote The Descendants should win best adapted screenplay, and Woody should win for best original screenplay. Those are my picks. Assume none of them will win.

Hodgy Beats – If Heaven Is A Ghetto [MP3]

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