On Bono’s Blunder, Ghost Preparedness, Pig Monsters & More!

March 3, 2012
by Evan

• The never-ending saga that is Bono’s Broadway Blunder (aka Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark) steamrolls on! Original director Julie Taymor has taken the show’s producers to court while claiming she’s the victim of a conspiracy. I hope Bono gets called in to testify and then is held in contempt of court for wearing douchey sunglasses. Indefinitely. Seriously, if we have a chance to get rid of Bono we need to act on it swiftly and justly. Keep that cretin locked up for life. At the very least he should have to endure a lifelong vow of silence. And don’t let him write any more editorials for the Times. And don’t let him write any more music. Can’t we just put him in solitary confinement and force him to rot alone in his hole? God, I hate Bono. So, so much. [story]

• Have you ever thought about what you would do if you saw a ghost? I sure haven’t! That doesn’t mean other people don’t have me covered. Luckily About.com published a list of eight things you should do if/when you see a ghost. The list includes brilliant ideas like, “Don’t freak out!” and “Take a picture!” That’s why I’ve started keeping anti-anxiety pills with my camera. If I see a ghost, I don’t want to remember to take a picture and then start freaking out because I forgot to take a chill pill. Could you imagine how terrible that would be? Or what if I saw a ghost and was, like, “Don’t freak out, Evan!” and I popped some Xanax, but then I got too calm and comfortable and totally forgot to take a picture of the ghost. That would be so stupid of me. Thank God I found this list of things to do if I see a ghost. [story]

• I’m pretty sure neither Xanax nor a camera would help me if I came face to face with the deadly dog-headed pig monster that is currently terrorizing villagers in Africa. And I’m sure it’s not just a dog or a pig “terrorizing” these African villagers. It has to be something new and foreign and weird. Regional councilor Andreas Mundjindi says, “This is an alien animal that people have not seen before…We don’t have a forest here, only bushes. So, this must be black magic at play.” And then a bottle of Coca Cola fell from the sky and hit Mr. Mundjindi on the head, and, well, the Gods must be crazy. [story]

• Did you know there’s a 1 in 8 chance that a catastrophic solar megastorm will hit us by the year 2020? It’s true. And it will be catastrophic. The storm could “cause trillions of dollars worth of damage and take up to a decade to recover from.” What kinds of damage, you ask? I don’t know, I guess solar flares mess with electrical systems. So good luck getting your stupid Prius to start, you pretentious envrionmentalist douche. [story]

• In other Earth’s-destruction news, there’s an asteroid called 2011 AG5 coming towards us, and if it follows the path scientists predict, there’s a small chance that it could hit us in February of 2040. How small? I don’t know, something like 1-in-625. Apparently this is dangerous. Of course, a guy from NASA is conveniently quoted early in the article as saying, “We have a good opportunity to observe it next year and again in 2015…we fully expect that the odds will go way down, most likely to zero, by then.” Oh, cool. No total destruction. Still, that doesn’t stop the inane writer for ABC News from spending eight more paragraphs writing about what could happen if an astroid wipes out all life on this planet. Cool. Media fear-mongering is the best. [story]

• WIRED ran an article a couple weeks ago about a “Forgetting Pill” which can erase painful memories forever. Granted, it’s mostly used to treat people with post-traumatic stress disorder, but maybe it could be used by me to forget some of the more painful memories I have floating through my brain. Like last night, for example… [story]

• So I went on a “booze cruise” around Marina Del Rey last night, and boy was it awkward. The whole evening was orchestrated by one of my roommates. I think he thought it’d be great if everyone we knew purchased tickets, so we could have our own private party boat for a night. That didn’t quite happen, so four or five of us had to link up with a dozen or so of his work friends. And, in typical Evan fashion, I’ve hooked up with two of his work friends, and both were in attendance last night. What’s worse, they were in my shuttle all the way to and from Marina Del Rey. It was awful. At one point one of the girls — who has already made her disdain for me known via Facebook message on more than one occasion — told me to “get out of [her] fucking way”. When I responded that maybe she should get out of my way, she screamed that I was a “fucking asshole retard” and ran away. This, from a girl who I made out with once, the first night we met, and only that once. You’d think she was a jilted ex-fiancee by how outraged she was. The rest of the cruise night consisted of all these young kids getting drunk and trying to hook up while I tried to converse with some of the horrified spectators who had no idea the majority of the cruise tickets were sold to a group of people large enough to dominate the boat but not large enough to buy out the entire boat. Those poor, poor stragglers. They should get their money back. I kind of want my money back.

Giorgio Moroder – (Theme From) Midnight Express [MP3]

About

Leave a Comment


six − 3 =