On Epic Bar Tabs

March 6, 2012

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The more I read Deadspin for my sports news, the harder I have to try to get rich quick. What’s the connection, you ask? Well, it’s their ongoing feature that details “Epic Bar Tabs.” I feel like if I had access to a huge sum of money I could orchestrate the greatest bar tab in the world. I’ve done pretty well with my own meager income, just imagine how great I could make someone’s tab if I had 300 or 400 times as much money to work with! I know my audience is quite diverse, spans the globe, and includes both rich and impoverished folks. If any of you rich people want to invite me out to a posh club with you in the future, let me know. I’ll help you achieve your fifteen minutes of Internet fame by compiling the craziest bar tab ever seen.

By the way, those two bar tabs you see were pretty fun to amass. The $519 one took about 2 hours to build, and since my credit card was on file and we only had to reach a $500 minimum to keep our party space reserved for the remainder of the night I had her close out the card right then and there. We drank for another three hours or so after that, so who knows how high it could have grown had our server not been on her game. Personally I love the $2.50 Diet Coke and the seven Blueberry beers. Ah, women. The $926 tab is slightly less exciting when you take into account we arrived at the bar at 11:30am and stayed through the 8pm Sunday football game. That was during the crazy October winter storm that knocked power out at my house so my sister and I decided to invite some friends to drink and watch football all day. The best part of this bill, hands down, is the not one but two ginger ales that were ordered for $5.50. To be fair, I’d run 18 miles the night before so I kept ordering more burgers and fries and appetizer combination platters. I drank mostly Jack and Coke, which is noteworthy because that marked the first time in five months I’d consumed a soda product. If you’re going to break a streak, break it in style. $926 before tax pretty much assured that. Not pictured, of course, is the tip. Which I decided to take care of myself because I wanted to bang our server. I think I left her an additional $200 on top of whatever we were supposed to leave. Most expensive phone number I’ve ever received from a girl.

Compare my little expenditures to those of the real playboys of the world, and I’m instantly laughed at and considered a small fish. These hot shots, the whales who aren’t afraid to order 30-litre bottles of some of the most expensive wines or spirits imaginable, they’re operating on a budget I could never dream of having. This British financial wunderkind, Alex Hope, just threw $300,000 down at a nightclub in Liverpool. His night started with a £125,000 Nebuchadnezzar of Armand de Brignac (Ace Of Spades) champagne. That covered almost $200,000 of his bill. Impressive, sure, but not nearly enough to make it an epic bar tab. See, there’s a lot of money laid down for drinks here, but what separates genius from mediocrity isn’t how much you spend, it’s how you spend it. If your’e going to spend more than a quarter million dollars, make people believe you’re an eccentric, borderline-insane rich guy — with a great sense of humor. The 21 lemonades on this tab aren’t eccentric. There are twenty-one of them. You need to sprinkle out the weird purchases over the course of a longer period of time. The goal should be to have people scratch their heads while analyzing your bill, not simply gawk at the price.

The Boston Bruins came close, but they were an entire hockey team spending $156,679.74! I love the sugar-free Red Bulls, the fact that some of the items on the list are only ordered in quantities of 1-5, and then you get hit with the 136 cans of Bud Light just about in the middle of the night. And then they once again ended with a $100,000 Midas bottle of Ace of Spades. So really they only spent $56,000 on the rest of the tab, which seems bland by comparison. Maybe if they’d come back a few hours after the Bud Lights and ordered 746 Old Styles, it might be more impressive.

Oh, and here’s another thing: if you set out to compile an epic bar tab, why do you have to go to the most exclusive club in your city? What’s wrong with going to a regular ol’ crowded pub and just letting people go wild? Isn’t it more impressive if you can rack up $300,000 at a place like Surly Goat than it is if you can go to places that actually have $100,000 bottles of champagne in stock. I guess it’s way harder to hit six-figures if you’re at a regular old bar…but my point is there has to be a middle-ground. Certainly you can hit six figures without having to be at some exclusive nightclub. And, in the end, isn’t that way more impressive? Doesn’t that make the tab so much more epic?

Listen, my point is, I want to help you achieve the largest, zaniest, most epic bar tab ever. So let’s raise as much money as we can and make this dream a reality. Or, if one of you happens to be a multimillionaire or billionaire…fly me to wherever you live and let’s make history together. We can do this. I can do this. Put me in, coach. I’m ready to play.

The Body – Tired Of Being Alive (Danzig) [MP3]

1 comment

  1. |

    In the early 90s, I once took the entire female staff of a Japanese hostess bar to an after-hours club for drinking and dancing till dawn. The damage came to about $2,500 and a case of the crabs.

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