12 Easier Than Totally Free Ways To Improve Your Mental Health
You know nothing, Winona Dimeo-Ediger.
Hey, have we met before? I think I referenced your name once but I’ve never responded to an article written by you. Consider this your belated rookie hazing as a member of The Frisky writing staff. It’s long overdue. By the way, what do you look like? Do they still have little pictures on your profile when I click your byline?
Nope, I guess not. That’s okay, I’ll look you up on Facebook through our mutual friend, Amelia McDick-Party. Are you in the office with her? Do you guys bond over your WASPy hyphenated surnames? If not, you should.
Oh, you’re blonde. Not bad. But, more importantly, can you write?
The opening sentence of your article, 12 Totally Free Ways To Improve Your Mental Health, is “We all feel a little crazy sometimes (for me, “sometimes” means at least three times a day)…” Great. So we know you’re crazy, and now we’re supposed to take your advice? If you’re going to write a self-help article it might be wise to…you know…build up your credentials a little bit first before you espouse advice. Maybe talk about how you are mentally fit. Maybe don’t call yourself crazy. Then again, what do I know? I’ve only been published by The Frisky one time.
So you’ve got some ideas, huh? About improving mental health? Well, what are they?
Keep a journal. Well, that’s not going to help someone who is prone to dwell on negative emotions or experiences. Otherwise you end up with notebooks filled of really dark shit that doesn’t yield anything positive. It just sits there and then you read it a few months or years later and laugh at yourself. Try meditating is a decent idea. It could work if you’re capable of shutting down your internal monologue and focusing for a few minutes. I don’t understand why Drop A Toxic Friend is on your list. If your mental health has taken a turn for the worse, what right do you have to call someone else toxic? In 9/10ths of the situations you put yourself in, you’re going to be the negative friend. Telling someone else you can’t hang out with them because they’re “toxic” would make you look like a hypocritical asshole. Have more orgasms makes sense. I would have put “Fuck” near the top of my list for improving mental health. Schedule some alone time is a good idea too. Even if you’re down in the dumps, sometimes being by yourself helps. At least then you don’t get self-conscious about being a burden on someone else.
Not bad, Winona. C- list.
Here’s my list of
12 Easier Than Totally Free Ways To Improve Your Mental Health
1. Massage – I had my first massage at the age of 26. The idea never appealed to me, and I have crippling body issues so I couldn’t loosen up around a masseuse and let them fondle my disgusting slovenly body. But once I did (I starved myself for three months in anticipation!) I learned to love having a strangers hands wringing my love handles and causing the most intense, painful cramps in my leg muscles. That stuff’s great! Super relaxing and I always leave feeling healthier mentally. Physically not so much. Mentally yes.
2. Fuck – See? I told you it’d make the list. There’s no better way to offset the everyday stresses of life than to get laid. The more often, the better! If you’re a chick, I’m available, and my fee is minimal! So, I looked it up online, and apparently having sex releases endorphins, which makes you feel really good (surprise, surprise). Also something called oxytocin is sometimes known as the “cuddle hormone”? Whatever. Wake me up when you find the “blow me while I eat buffalo wings and watch football and it’ll make you feel good” hormone. I want to help a depressed girl release that one!
3. Road Trip – Sometimes the toxin in your life isn’t a friend (like Winona oddly suggests) it’s a place. So leave that depressing scum hole and head out to greener pastures. Or, conversely, browner pastures if you’re near a cool desert like Joshua Tree. Clear your mind. Look at pretty things and immerse yourself in someplace new! Road trip. Guaranteed to cure what ails you (in this case, you’re freakishly fucked-up mind)!
4. Cook Me Dinner – Won’t the prospect of feeding me make you feel better? I mean, I’m incapable of caring for myself, so maybe you caring for me will give you a sense of purpose. For a few hours at least. Also, be prepared to do the dishes afterwards. I’ll be busy blogging.
5. Be Artsy Fartsy – Don’t sit around and write in a stupid journal. Make some real art. Paint something. Silkscreen a t-shirt with all your emotions on it. Play music! Writing is for those pussies who want to mope and reflect on all the sadness in their lives. The cool kids are being artsy, trying to paint a still-life of a vibrating dildo or going to the learning annex to make charcoal drawings of naked chicks playing with their labia. That’s the real art shit. Put the journal down and start to really express yourself.
6. Valium – Used to be you could go down to TJ and pay $2 a pill for as many as you wanted. I don’t know what the current going rate is, but it’s definitely worth it. Especially if you double up on the 10mg tabs. You’ll never be in finer fettle! Who cares if underneath you’re still rotten and broken and depressed. At least for a few hours at a time you’ll have a rollicking good time.
7. Run – Ever heard of a runner’s high? It’s kind of like a sexless orgasm. And if orgasms improve mental health AND count as exercise…at least by running you don’t risk the chance that the sex could be awful.
8. Learn About Psychiatry, Psycho – Maybe it’s not the world’s fault you’re in a shitty place mentally. Maybe it’s your own fault. Try seeing a shrink, or picking up some books about psychology. Here, read this website. I don’t have time to. I want to finish this list and get on with my life.
9. Socialize – Listen, asshole, sitting in your room playing with your dolls and writing goth poetry doesn’t cure mental unwellness. Did I just make that word up? “Unwellness”? Somebody call ROGET’S, AMIRIGHT? Wait, isn’t Roget’s a thesaurus? Ah, that’ll never work. My point is, get out there, champ! Among the people! Let their words fill your head and heart with warmth. Maybe go bowling or something. You don’t have to get SO drunk (I mean, I do…it’s bowling!), but…just enjoy the fact that there are people in this world who want to spend time with you. See? Doesn’t that make you feel better? Good! That’s the point, moron.
10. Sudoku – A website says doing puzzles helps improve your mental health. That sounds to me more like something you should do to stave off Alzheimer’s, but I think you should give it a shot. They say solving problems — or exercising the brain! — is almost as productive as physical exercise when it comes to giving you a sense of empowerment or improving brain health. Listen, Winona. It’s almost midnight and I’ve had a long day. Forgive me for not focusing on making a better list. Just know if I put forth the effort I’d do way better than you.
11. Learn A New Skill – I taught myself piano. Well, that’s not true. I taught myself how to play one Harry Nilsson song. And since I’m already a guitar whiz it came relatively easy. But the sense of accomplishment was the same, the positive reinforcement was the same, and I could tell that my mental health had improved because I woke up with gold star stickers all over my forehead the next morning. “Good job, brain!” I must have been trying to tell myself, subconsciously. You should do the same. Learn a new skill. Practice makes perfect, and before you know it you’ll be more focused on achieving perfection than you are on your unstable mental state. What new skill do you want to learn? How does gardening sound? What about philanthropy? Is that a skill? Oh, I know what’ll make you feel better! Learn how blowing me! And remember, practice makes perfect!
12. Relax – You know, like by a pool? Preferably with your dear pal Evan. He likes pools. Except for his body dysmorphia issues that generally keep him fully clothed and out of the sun. But he loves relaxing. And so should you. It’s like they say, if you can’t remember the last time you just chilled out and did nothing, you probably haven’t done it recently enough. So chill out, and do nothing, and get well soon. Or you’ll end up like Winona Dimeo-Ediger, self-proclaimed crazy bitch and staff writer for The Frisky.
I know, it sounds like a nightmare being Winona. Let’s just thank our lucky stars we’re not. And then we’ll go out and get laid and get massages and have fun, instead of going crazy three times a day like that psycho bitch.
Burmese – Lady Killer [MP3]
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