Dear Evan Responds To Another Dear Wendy

August 31, 2012
  • Dear Evan Responds To Another Dear Wendy

I’ve long wanted you people to e-mail me your concerns about life and love so that I can impart some of my knowledge to you. But you don’t do it. Either you don’t trust me to keep your identity safe from the world, or you think of me as some crackpot armchair psychologist who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. And, technically, you’d be right. On both counts. I’m not a professional life coach or advisor, and more than likely I’d fuck up and publish your e-mail address against your wishes. I’m sorry. I should know better.

Since none of you trust me to help you with your problems, I have to resort to stealing from my old friend Dear Wendy. Wendy used to write for The Frisky, my favorite website on the entire Internet. Now she’s out on her own, probably failing miserably, and yet somehow people still love writing to her for advice. Probably because she flatters them with uplifting and life-affirming advice.

Take “Considering A Private Eye” for example. He’s been dating a girl for seven months. She’s ten years younger than him. She’s going to Vegas for a bachelorette party. Before she left, she went to a sex shop “in the Manhattan” to get supplies. She bought condoms. Also, she mentioned things like male strip clubs, and “letting a guy cum on her thigh.” When asked if the girl’s SISTER might cheat in Vegas, the girl said no, her sister was “too much of a pussy.” That worried the guy. He called a private investigator. He wants to know if he should hire one, if he’s off base, and whether or not his girlfriend is going to cheat on him in Vegas.”

Well, “Considering A Private Eye,” let me handle this one for you.

First of all, drop the neurotic-guy schtick. You’re 45. I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive, but you’re too old to be worried about a girl you have dated for seven months. You should not be having trust issues at this point in your life. By 45, you should have enough dating experience to know that trust needs to be built organically. You can’t just force it on account of you being insecure. And, judging by the information you give and the context you use in giving it, that’s pretty much my diagnosis.

So she purchased condoms from a sex shop before a bachelorette party, and your first thought was that she was going to cheat on you in Vegas. Did the thought ever cross your mind that those might be a gag gift? Supplies for some weird girlie bachelorette party art project? Perhaps more importantly, if your girlfriend of seven months was planning on cheating on you, why would she show you the condoms she purchased? That would make her the most sadistic girl ever, and your only option would be to get out of the relationship. Fuck hiring a private investigator, just bail.

Of course, the more likely scenario is that you’re just being the neurotic, insecure dude you’ve been your entire life. I’m sure that’s not what defines you as a person, but it certainly seems to define your role in this relationship. What you need to do is be yourself, the guy your friends and family interact with on a daily basis and enjoy spending time with, the guy who you might have been way back in the seven months ago when you met your now-girlfriend. The confident guy. The guy who could go out to a bar tonight and meet a new girl, who perhaps after seven months you will have grown to trust naturally. Not by force. Not by hiring an investigator. Not by freaking out about her potentially cheating on you when she hasn’t really shown you any signs of her intent. Bail now, or this prophecy will be fulfilled. She will grow tired of your lack of trust. She will hate you for your insecurity, and she will end up cheating on you much closer to home than Las Vegas. Like your own bed.

Why? Because guess what? Paranoia, neuroses, jealousy, insecurity, these are not attractive behaviors. What’s more, you clearly don’t trust your girlfriend. These aren’t the tenets of any successful relationship I have ever heard of. At this point I am not convinced you can change your level of confidence. At least with this girl in your life. Bail now and start fresh. For your sake and this girl’s sake. Otherwise she’s going to start to resent you and cheat on you anyway. Or you’re going to snoop and you’re going to find exactly what you expect to find. What will that achieve? Nothing. Sever ties now — no confrontation necessary — and start anew. That’s the dignified way to make an exit. Or you can hire a private investigator and worry like a little bitch that your girlfriend of seven months is going to cheat on you at her sister’s bachelorette party. Because that’s perfectly rational and incredibly dignified.

Carla Bozulich – Baby, That’s The Creeps [MP3]

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