• In a move reminiscent of Fry’s dog Seymour on Futurama, “an extremely dedicated dog has continued to show its loyalty, keeping watch on its owner’s grave six years after he passed away.” The article profiling the dog makes no mention of whether the Connie Francis version of “I WIll Wait For You” has been playing on repeat the whole time. By the way, when was the last time you heard about a cat standing watch over its owner’s grave for six years? Yeah, my point exactly. That’s why dogs rule and cats get hit by cars trying to cross the street. Most people hate ‘em. [story]
• Sorry, this should lighten the mood: A series of 19th century postcards depicting what life would be like in the year 2000! These are way funnier than an article about a loyal dog standing watch over its owner’s grave for over half a decade. Look at the firemen wearing wings! Yeah, right, like that will ever happen. The underwater bus tour with the tamed whale might be interesting…we should really get on that. I mean, Sea World is doing a pretty-okay job of taming whales, but I’d like to see a giant whale cart a bus full of people around the ocean for a few hours. The least interesting postcard is definitely the aerial battles of the future, which look remarkably similar to something you might see on CNN these days. Because most wars include immense, awe-inspiring aerial fights, which are carried out by giant fighter zeppelins. Hoo boy. Has humankind always been this dumb? [story]
• Discovery Magazine (online!) ran an article this week that was titled, “The world’s shiniest living thing is an African fruit that looks like a pointillist bauble.” Well, yes, naturally. Because I think everyone reading that sentence can immediately conjure up an image of a pointillist bauble. Who the fuck thought that would make for an enticing headline? Nobody knows what a pointillist bauble is except for the extremest of extreme science geeks. My guess is they were begging for clicks from Internet users who don’t know what a pointillist bauble is, and I hope their little experiment failed miserably, because that’s a cheap (and some might say fraudulent!) ploy for generation extra advertising clicks! “Not exactly rocket science,” you say, Discover Magazine. Methinks your headlines and your pointillist baubles are the epitome of something that is more rocket-science than not-rocket-science. [story]
• Ever have poltergeists running amok in your place? Yeah, it totally sucks. Well, here’s a list of seven signs of poltergeist activity, just in case you were having difficulty discerning a difference between ghosts fucking with you and your dishwasher just not working correctly. [story]
• Oh. My. God. You guys. I heard the new Bob Dylan album today (it’s called “Tempest”) and it is easily the worst thing I have heard in a very long time. I couldn’t stop laughing at his horrible voice (he sounds like an old man fighting a chest infection), his TERRIBLE lyrics (I can’t believe anyone ever deigned to call him the greatest of all-time), and his boring-ass, old and tired music compositions. Seriously, it is the most godawful record you will hear this year. In kind of a maddening, giddying way, I enjoyed it. You should have seen me trying to follow the “epic” 14-minute, 44-verse (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?) title track, which is…what…a minute-by-minute account of the sinking of the Titantic? Yeah, I know, it’s fucking batshit senile craziness. The best verse is the one that shouts-out to Leonardo DiCaprio by name. AS IF HE WAS ON THE TITANIC FOR REAL. Oh, God, the last song on the album is an homage to John Lennon that includes some of the worst rhyming couplets ever imagined. At one point I shouted aloud to anyone within hearing distance, “Who is this young turk! What do they call this music? Why… I’ve never heard anything like it!” and then Bob Dylan sang, “Down in the quarry with the quarrymen” about John Lennon and I laughed until I was read in the face. No, wait, maybe that happened two lines later, when he rhymed, “Another day in the life…” (HAHAHAHA, GET IT? A DAY IN THE LIFE!?) “…on your way to your journey’s end.” See what he did there? He rhymed quarrymen with journey’s end! That’s it, guys. We can all stop writing songs now. Bob Dylan has once and for all proven that anything that can possibly be done with the English language in song has been done. By Bob Dylan. The most overrated musician that has ever committed a song to tape. Fuck that guy. For the love of God, one of you needs to fuck that phlegm right out of his throat.
• Chelsea Wolfe and her band killed it at her show down the street at the Echo last night. Until further notice she’s still the Official Swan Fungus Crush Of The Moment. Of course, after her set I had to race home and get some rest so I could be awake at 6:00am for a 14-mile training run, which totally ruined the rest of my day. You know, it’s hard to run that far when it’s 93 degrees outside. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I decided to run later in the day, when it was 102. Fuuuuuuuck. I’m exhausted. I’m staying in tonight. Go see Chelsea Wolfe if she’s playing in your town. You won’t regret it.
Chelsea Wolfe – Movie Screen [MP3]