Without all the people who tell me to kill myself or stop blogging, Swan Fungus would not exist. I say it every year but apparently it never registers: the opinions expressed on this website are often intended to elicit a response from the audience. I wouldn’t call it “trolling,” but a lot of the stances I take (ie. defending indefensible positions) and a lot of the sweeping generalizations I make are NOT the opinions I truly hold. Honestly, the Internet makes it too easy for someone in my position. And while I might dislike Bono and Billy Corgan and Baby Boomers (not you, mom!), do you really think that without this forum I would get as worked up as about trivial news stories and people I don’t know? Of course not.
I’ve become more adept at it through the years (I don’t use the word “retarded” or “fag” as much as I used to, unless it’s referring to myself), but the formula remains unchanged. Take a story that a lot of people care about and make fun of it. Find some sacred cow and poke fun at it. Naturally those stories are the most-commented on out of the 365 posts I make each year. And those comments are overwhelmingly negative. Some are funny, some are frightening, but I enjoy 99% of them.
So here you go, the Best Negative Reader Comments of 2012, as written by you and decided upon by me …the guy at whom the death threats are typically directed.
The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2012
“If I died tomorrow I will have still achieved a 1000 things more than you ever will you sad little man.” – Billy Corgam – What Would You Name Your Billy Corgan’s Tea House
I know it’s not the REAL Billy Corgan, but I like to think he saw this post and was so enraged he a) decided to leave a comment that would shame me into…well, I don’t know how that remark is supposed to hurt my feelings…and b) spelled his name wrong. In his haste to fire off an insult he forgot to spell check his own name. It’s the most perfectly-fucking Billy Corgan perfect fuckup ever.
“yeah, this website going down for a day is going to make a HUGE impact.” – Bill Rights – Strike Against SOPA and PIPA
See what I get for trying to lazily take a day-off from blogging without saying as much? I pretend my website has gone dark and attribute it to a cause. And then this guy Bill called me out like the phony I was. It made me laugh then and it made me laugh now as I was sorting through the 500+ comments left during the past eleven and a half months. Thanks, “Bill”.
“My god, do you not even understand the basic concept of GENRE? It’s based on FANTASY franchise! It isn’t going to meet all your narrative needs – fantasy *depends* on you suspending your disbelief. You don’t show up to an orgy with a Powerpoint on how to have sex and you shouldn’t expect this show’s writers to explain the physics of Westeros for you – why does it matter how long summer and winter last? Did you care why there were two moons on Tatooine in Star Wars? If you did, you are a joyless jerk who wanks off to…well, The Wire and The Wire alone. And honestly, if you have this much of a problem buying into season 1, don’t bother with the rest of the franchise. Even more improbably violent and awesome shit is going to go down that you will probably not enjoy because you will be too busy going “exactly how could they smith armor that strong with their medieval technology?”” – Suck My Weiner, Evan – Oh Shit, Game Of Thrones
It’s funny to re-read this post. Seven months later I had read all five books and continue to read speculation/theories/predictions for the future books on a daily basis. And yet, there I was, back in MARCH, never having seen the show or heard about the books. Then Sherri took me to task and made me feel like a know-nothing douche. Well played, Sherri. I deserved that.
“Seriously? This is pathetic. First of all, you read the Frisky a lot. And then you take the time to write an article about the people who write for it? Get a job. Then, in your article, you make fun of people’s names. Very witty. And then you rip into this one girl, for writing a little essay that probably took her ten minutes to write, because she is actually making a living as a writer. And you talk about boning her? You are incredibly lame. You are absurdly bitter and tragic. And Rachel Rabbit White? I looked her up. She’s awesome. So thanks for that. And maybe her “fear of men” has something to do with assholes like you. That would explain it perfectly.” – Dan – Why You Are Scared Of Men
Clearly Rachel Rabbit’s boyfriend didn’t take kindly to my evisceration of his talentless girlfriend’s dumb article. I especially like his “email@example.com” e-mail address the he provided along with this comment. What I want to know is, why make it a Hotmail address? Why not just write “go fuck yourself” and leave it at that? Such attention to detail says a lot about you. Mostly it says you are probably a girl. In fact you’re probably Rachel Rabbit White. That’s okay. I’m sure this comment made you feel much better about yourself and your abilities as a writer. Good luck in your future endeavors. I hope one day you find someone with whom to build a meaningful and long-lasting relationship. You know…once you stop being afraid of men, you pussy.
That said, my second favorite response to this post simply stated, “I hope you lose all of your hair.”
“If you’re going to critique music, critique music. No one wants to hear about how much you hate capital letters. Givers is a great band, which I’m sure you would have found out if you were good at doing a thorough review of a line-up. Quit bitching about how everything’s been done before. We get it, you’re musically-cultured. Big fucking whoop. That says jack shit about your musical taste, which is really poor if you’re going to bash Arctic Monkeys and call Wu Lyf an “Arcade Fire knock-off.”” – Sean – In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2012 Lineup (Part 1)
Here’s a perfect example of a blog post intended to piss people off. In fact, I was so excited about the prospect of skewering Coachella and its devotees that I spent 3 days making fun of all the bands involved, and lambasting anyone who would deign to listen to such filth. And it worked. Perfectly. Thanks for playing, Sean.
i must say that of all the cynical rants on music this is the most contrived, uninformed, and completely unreliable rant ever–be it music, politics, or anything else on the net. Get out of the 70s and 80s and white old man perspective. Hip hop, electronic music, and anything else u cant understand is not all horrible. What do u even like? It seems like u are the ironic hipster that wasnt accepted by any girls or hipsters, and u seem to be ego-manical in your views. U have no talent, u do not know music, and u never will amount to anything in your social and/ or artistic life. You know whats lamer than hipsters? blinded anti-hipsters who actually think they are even too cool for hipsters, which in fact makes them extreme hipsters…and buy into ‘bloggin’, create some douche bag user name, their own site, and a forum to get off on own opinion like some misguided music nerd god that cant relate to anything outside their own interests and existence….PATHETIC TRIPE….. CUBT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT indeed….” – Anti-hipster Is The New Hipster – In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2011 Lineup
Something tells me Anti-Hipster and “Dan” know each other because this commenter used the e-mail address “firstname.lastname@example.org” as a great way to get in touch with him. Great. Now how am I going to tell him that any “70s and 80s and white old man perspective” belies my age, seeing as how I was born in the ’80s. That said, the misspelling of “CUBT” is amazing. But what’s even more amazing is that this comment was left on LAST YEAR’S Coachella review. I can’t even imagine what kind of insane rant this person might have gone on if they had found out there was a newer version available to read.
“It seems that Herr SF suffers a bad case of ennui; he gets bored so easily that he cannot stand that Mozart sounds like Mozart, and that all composers and artists have an specific style that is recognizable in each of their works. If he were offered a collection of the best Degas paintings of ballerinas, he would reject it because, to him, all those paintings would look the same.” – Juan Jose Morales-Castillo – The Top Ten Worst Classical Composers Of All Time
The fact that this blog post (from June of 2009) still elicits a number of comments each year is a testament to the fact that if you literally just make shit up to piss people off, it will work. And then you’ll get to spend all of eternity reaping the hilarious benefits.
“Wow…chill out Swan. So you don’t like Bob Dylan…but save yourself a heart attack. Deep breath and just let it go. I’d warrant most of planet earth finds your music unlistenable…but we’re cool with that.” – Jove – My Favorite Parts Of The New Bob Dylan Record
Jove accidentally left two comments that were nearly identical, because he so wanted his voice to be heard. The earlier version of this comment says, “Wow…chill out Swan. What’s with the hatred? Okay, we get it…you don’t like Bob Dylan. I love Dylan’s early stuff, but I agree that his later stuff is not very good. However, I’ve never had a seizure over it. I’ll warrant most of planet earth finds most of your music unlistenable. I guess the over-used cliche applies…To Each Their Own.” I approved both because I imagine Jove really needed vindication. If it were me…well, I don’t comment on anything on the Internet, so I don’t even see the point in commenting on a blog post. That said, if I thought my comment didn’t go through I would not retype it. That speaks to a kind of obsession that I can hardly muster up about something as insignificant as a negative review of a Bob Dylan record. But hey, that’s just me. I think blogs are pointless, which I why I don’t read them. I only do this because it’s been so long I don’t think I can stop.
“I can see why this girl, the one who thinks you are a true misogynistic *bleep* would think that way in her judgement of you. I am making this assumption strictly on what you wrote back to her…I know your comment was the epitome of “sarcasm”…that’s very easy to see after reading what you said to her before the 10 idiosyncrasies..and I quote: “Looking through my archives, I can totally understand why you think I’m a misogynist, a crotchety old man, and a total asshole. It’s because I have a particular tone of voice when I write that lends itself to interpretation, and the way that you interpret my writing just happens to be as hateful towards women.” Oh but that’s just the beginning…I started to wonder part way in … You then say: “Today I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m going to show you just how much I love the female species by devoting an entire Top Ten list to them. This time it won’t have anything to do with their insecurities or how to get them to part their labia like the red sea in anticipation of your hardened penis. No, I am not going to use any gross sexual imagery in today’s blog, and I’m not going to write anything negative about girls. I’m going to present you with a list of the ten idiosyncratic behaviors of girls I love the most, and I’m just going to write the truth. That’s all.” Upon reading the first paragraph, I thought “nice guy”. He actually took the time out to see why this young lady thought him to be a certain type, which he obviously isn’t if he would take the time to prove anything to her”..I mean it is the “net” after all is said and done! I started to question part way into the second paragraph where you start talking about your previous posts talking about girls “spreading their lab…anyway, you get the picture I’m sure. I realized just how sarcastic you were being as I read on. You were not “subtle” so it was pretty easy to pick up on it Oh, don’t get me wrong…I’m not judging you, per say, as a person..I am merely judging by what I see typed by you … the passing thoughts of a male who is writing sarcastically about what he really believes women to be or is he just trying to get a young fiery tempered girl to lash out again? The problem with this type of writing (Beware, insanity may be catching), is that young men who know no different, especially the young men of today, growing up with the type of clothes society deems respectable, etc, the things young girls have resorted to “not to get pregnant”, etc, will only reassure that 13 year old male that women are inferior to men. Although women may not be as strong as a man, having less muscle mass, smaller bones, etc, the opposite sex is definitely equal too or in some cases even superior to their male counterparts. Men also have a slightly larger brain than a woman but it doesn’t mean they are “smarter”. Men and women use the same percentage of gray matter. It is written that woman was created from the rib of the first man who “God created” …hmmm do we take this literally? As literally as a snake and apples and Eve eating the apple. The truth is man cannot be born into this world without women and woman can’t reproduce without a male’s sperm to fertilize her egg. Equality? Not really but some choose to think it is..especially those who have never carried a baby for 9 months. However, there is no greater love, and man has yet to experience it so he can’t honestly say there is, than the infinite love, which again means infinite capacity for suffering, a woman, the mother of man, has and shows in the largest measure. She shows it as she carries the infant and is so careful to eat properly and see the Dr, gain the weight she is supposed to in order to produce a healthy baby. A healthy minded woman is already in love with this little creature inside of her long before she ever looks him in the eye. We go through the nine months growing more and more close to him and woman derives joy in the suffering involved in childbirth…maybe not right at the time because it’s very intense but what can beat the suffering caused by the pangs of labour then forgetting how bad it was just by looking into the eyes of this little being who kicked and moved and even hi-cupped inside you! A woman feels the total joy of creation at this time. Believe it or not, at that moment, your eyes automatically seek your partner, the love of your life who this little person is part of … only the two of you. It’s a beautiful feeling to see tears well up in the man you’ve never known to cry because society taught him its not ok, not manly… :( Such a role to have to live up to when man has emotions for this kind of thing the same as a woman does! Women in my lifetime, before that and even now, although young girls are going about proving themselves the wrong way, the female sex, not the weaker sex is the nobler of the two,and in some cases, even today, in first world countries, the embodiment of sacrifice, silent suffering, humility, faith and knowledge. But some how or other man has dominated woman through the ages, causing the female gender to develop an inferiority complex. She believed in the truth of man’s teaching that she was inferior to him. But the truth is that the truth about women has been seen among men. A few years ago, men recognized woman’s equal status. Nevertheless there is no doubt that there is still a large division in the minds of many! Although both are fundamentally one, some men with that attitude who end up with a woman who “allows” it, will have daughters who will see this, live it all their lives and in their minds it will be “normal”…so sad! Then, of course, that daughter will be attracted to men like her daddy and it’s one of the main reasons we are still not truly considered equal to a large number of men. Hopefully these men will realize all this at some point in their lives before they become what the young lady described you as being …. I do agree with the author of a book called, “Women are from Venus, Men Are From Mars. The biggest difference in man and woman is that women become more emotional at certain times of the month which is because of a change in their hormone levels and they tend to think with their emotions rather than logic. Men don’t know how it feels, whether it is a “natural bodily function” as you refer to menstruating every 28 days, or not. Someone who still thinks women are not their equal usually just needs to read and educate himself…There are books out there that will teach him about this so he will understand it better and not be so quick to judge the sex who will make him feel like his life is complete.He will only find this kind of love and security and sense of wellness if he lets go of the belief that woman is lower than he is. Only then will he find the “right” person.. Think about this as you sit and think about writing a rebuttal to my response to your comment here. Take it from a woman who is 56 years old and has learned through education and experience and also from any mistakes I have made…we are humans and we should work together, side by side, bring out the best in each other, spend a lifetime together, watching our children, then grandchildren grow up. One thing is for sure in this life and that is that it’s a journey with a destination. We are all going to die at one point, no matter what we do or don’t believe in about an after life. I want to live it as happy and as positive as I can and the only way to do this is to be happy with yourself, not hate, not harm or talk harshly to another person or animal…accept responsibility for our own actions and be very aware that the young people in our lives see every move we make and many times mimic what we say we feel, even if we don’t “actually” feel that way. Just let me say this and let me know honestly if I’m right and which one actually pertains to you. 1. You have a very passive, submissive woman or partner in your life who has a low self esteem and let’s you dominate every aspect of her life. 2. You have no woman in your life right now and never could stay in a relationship because of this attitude you tend to show in your comment. or….. wait for it…….oh … wait for it…..it’s coming!!! 3. You are with a very aggressive woman who dominates your entire being and you are being so controlled at home and are so “henpecked” or “pussy whipped” as they call it today, that the only release you have is to get on blogs and chat lines and find young women to put down or talk down to..yes, maybe that’s where you fit in. You wouldn’t be the first or the last man to do this! I don’t really know but I do hope you get to experience what I have in life..I don’t know how old you are but it seems like you were agreed with the young lady to being older and crotchety but whatever age you are I hope you feel what it can be like to be loved by a woman who loves you and is willing to “fix it” if for some reason over the years, it starts to break…My husband and I embraced it and fixed it. Once you can let go of your beliefs about things, not be so insensitive to the needs of your partner, both men and women, work harder than you’ve ever worked on anything before at educating yourself and breaking down walls that may have been put up for whatever reason, you will start to appreciate the fact that we are equal partners, equally loving and respecting each other in our beliefs and any idiosyncrasies we have. I wish that for you someday! She will feel like your princess and you will feel like her king in so many good ways!” – S. Miller – Top Ten Female Idiosyncrasies I Find Attractive
“Sir, you are an idiot! Did you just watch the movie or did you actually use that thing you obviously don’t have (It’s called a brain if you’re missing my sarcasm. You know that thing that is supposed to be in the void that is your skull). Maybe the reason why the characters appeared to make no sense to you was because they were complicated things with emotions that we call people and maybe the reason why they changed their behavior throughout the film is because they do what people do — grow and change. Now I think it would behoove me to say that I LOVED the first alien movie, which I saw on my second date with the woman who is now my wife who I love and wouldn’t want to insult by making her read your inane review because she’s now the mother of my children (every one of them being smarter and more sophisticated then you). So I was not expecting that this movie could live up to that movie, especially because I saw it with my buddy Tom (and I’m not gonna marry him because I’m not gay. LOL!) So when the alien was born at the end of the movie it explained EVERYTHING that you think wasn’t explained. Why is there life on Earth? The alien. What is the meaning of life? The alien. Why did that guy stand on the waterfall and jump off? Because he was an alien. Are you starting to recognize a pattern here dildo-brain? Also, maybe some questions were purposefully left unanswered because they’re going to come out with a sequel. Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think of a sequel or does the idea of a sequel not make any sense to someone who’s brain shuts off within the first five minutes of a movie that is intensely mentally stimulating for it’s entirety. I have now concluded that the only bad thing about the movie was your stupid review because my buddy Tom, AND my wife, AND my children, AND a friend of mine from work loved it too. Oh and I love how a movie review was written by a guy who said that he barely goes to see any movies. You’re obviously a real expert! Your friend, Promethemaximus”. – Promethemaximus – Film Review: Prometheus
This was the first time as a blogger that I was rendered speechless by a comment…
Burmese – Shut Your Mouth…I Paid For The Hour [MP3]