I might as well get this out of the way quickly, because every year some idiot shows up here thinking the views expressed in these posts truly reflect my opinions of the artists I choose to critique. I would hope people don’t take this too seriously, but then again last year I was called a “fag” and told to “kill [myself].” The year before that 48 people wrote in to tell me I’m a cunt, a douche, a hipster (?), a dick, and a “musically ignorant fuck” among other things. I don’t imagine this year will go over and smoother, in spite of my efforts to warn people that I’m going to make fun of bands they like. Just imagine this whole first paragraph is bold and italicized and underlined. All the music you listen to is really great and you should never have to hear somebody you that what you care about sucks. Except for me. Right now.
Every year, a bunch of sissies in short-pant velvet suits who like to skip down the streets of (insert recently-gentrified “hip” neighborhood here) touting their ironic mustaches, pasty skin and asymmetrical bangs wait with baited breath for the announcement of which bands will perform at the annual Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Truthfully, there are probably a dozen acts I wouldn’t mind seeing. Other than that it seems like a waste of money.
The problem most people have with reading an evisceration of each year’s lineup is that they are incapable of objective criticism. Everyone thinks they have great taste in music, and that paying $400 and $800 to be directly marketed to by huge corporations for 72-straight hours is a good idea. No one thinks the music they like sucks, and no one wants to think that Playstation, Heineken, Red Bull, H&M and Fruttare are anything less than totally hip, totally chill corporations. Unfortunately, 99% of music still sucks, Heineken still probably thinks they’re marketing beer to “too many Negroes,” and Sony still made comments in opposition to energy efficiency standards in the state of California…where Coachella is held every year. But, hey. It’s your $400. Do whatever the fuck you want with it.
2013 Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival – DAY TWO
Vintage Trouble – I have to say — right off the bat — that Saturday’s lineup is easily the worst of the three days this year. And I say that even though one of my favorite bands of all time (Spiritualized) is playing on Saturday. It’s a shame, because I imagine most people are going to get to the festival late Friday (although I imagine most of the young, stupid people who buy tickets for Coachella don’t have jobs) and try to beat the rush back to the city on Sunday…so it would make sense to put your strongest acts on Saturday. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not this year. All these bands are pretty much nobodies. Never heard of Vintage Trouble, not going to trouble myself by looking ‘em up. If it’s even a “them”. It could be one guy. It could be one girl! I don’t really care.
Colourist – Their Twitter profile (with its whopping 1200 followers) declares, “we are a majestic rock band.” There’s almost nothing a band could say to describe itself that would make them look more wussy than saying they’re “majestic.” What does that mean? You guys wear suits? You’re members of the landed class? You’re look like women? You play classical music because you’re sooooo dignified? Sounds like me like you’re a bunch of stupid dicks.
The 2 Bears – Yeah, I want to be in a crowd with people dancing like this. I’m gonna shell out $400 to watch a bunch of pasty dolts in skinny jeans and neon “do the bear hug”. I’d sooner flay myself.
Kids These Days – Oh Jesus. This is awful. An acoustic guitar, some horns, and a rapper. It’s like somebody heard an M. Ward record and said, “Yeah, but what if after forty-five seconds we start rapping over the bluesy guitar lick?” And I don’t even like M. Ward! Yet here I am, telling you that it’s better than this steaming shit. By the way, is that girl in the band? I might blow a load on her chest if she let me.
3Ball MTY – Sounds like something you’d hear at whatever club in Brazil is a “sister bar” to the Abbey.
Cassy – Yeah, this one would be easy to research. What, couldn’t think of something more original? Ugh.
Reignwolf – I feel like I’ve seen these guys in LA and I walked out in the middle of their set. I wish I remembered where and when, but I’m watching this clip on YouTube and it looks very, very familiar. ’70s hard rock has never sounded or looked worse.
Huoratron – All I needed to hear was the first two seconds of this song and I had to turn it off. It sounded like I was thrust into the middle of a game of Rad Racer. Did any of you own that game for the original Nintendo? The big deal about it was you could hit the “Select” button at any point and — with a cheap pair of 3D glasses — you could almost sort of play a 3D racing game. It never worked right for me. And, hell, even seizure-inducingly bad 1987 3D video gaming is better than Huoratron.
Shovels & Rope – This isn’t going to go over well. A frumpy girl who plays acoustic guitar harmonizing with a guy who sporadically plays drums and harmonica. That’s all I’ve gotten from this video, and it sucks. I wonder which of these two has the bigger dick.
Savages – “A post-punk group formed in 2011″ says the Internet. Um…is it really post-punk if you’re forming the band 30+ years after the punk movement started? I mean, post-punk originated in the mid-to-late ’70s, pretty much parallel to the punk movement. Maybe a tiny bit later, if you take into account the fact that Suicide was including the words “punk rock” on their show flyers as early as 1972. To say that there’s a post-punk group forming in 2011 would mean there’s a new punk movement sweeping the globe, and that shit just ain’t happening. Which brings me to my next point. Why hasn’t anyone been credited with starting a post-indie movement yet?
Mona – Not even gonna bother trying to Google this one.
Guards – Long-haired New Yorkers. Chick in band. Does she suck dick?
The Wombats – “…the band comprises native Liverpudlians Matthew Murphy (lead vocals, guitar, nose harp– NOSE HARP? REALLY? FUCK YOU AND YOUR NOSE HARP, DICK! By the way, why would anyone from Liverpool EVER try to start a band? That’s just asking to be a failure. Which is why these guys are playing, like, third on a bill of 40 bands at a festival that no one cares about.
Jason Bentley – Uh…the disc jockey? The Host of Morning Becomes Ecclectic? What’s he going to do, host his radio show live on stage? That sounds like the most boring 45 minutes of the entire festival. A guy talking at 50,000 people about music.
Action Bronson – The rapper? I can’t remember if I’ve heard good things or bad things. Oh, wait. He’s VICE affiliated. Nevermind.
Birdy Nam Nam – So now it’s not bad enough that DJs are treated like real musicians by more than one person out there…but…there are actually DJ BANDS now? Or, sorry, DJ CREWS!? So instead of one guy up on stage clicking around on his laptop there’s four guys playing on their laptops? Sounds like a blast. No, really. Live music can’t get more exciting than watching four guys queuing up songs in their iTunes playlist.
Trash Talk – Hardcore. In 2013. Yeah, I know. I’m as surprised as you are. And yet, not. I’m sure it sucks. Who was the last good Hardcore band, anyway? Refused? That was like fifteen years ago. Hardcore’s been pretty much dead since then. And, trust me, these kids from Sacramento aren’t going to revive it.
Zane Lowe – “also known as ‘Zipper,’ is a radio DJ, record producer and television presenter.” Man, I thought having Jason Bentley at Coachella would be a waste of a time slot. What the FUCK is this guy going to do on stage!? “Ladies and gentleman, TV’s Aaron Paul!” and then Aaron Paul will walk across the stage and wave to the crowd. “Now watch as I oversee a band recording ONE song live on stage. Ladies and gentlemen…let’s hear a round of applause for…No Doubt!” Meanwhile, half the audience has blown their brains out.
Baauer – So…did I miss something, or is everyone a DJ now?
Theophilus London – Rapper from Trinidad. There sure are a lot of rap acts on Saturday. Is Heineken okay with this? What with their history of racism and all…you’d think maybe someone at headquarters might object to sponsoring an event that might include “too high [a] proportion of negroes.” (see the aforementioned link). Or maybe they think all the white people in the audience will take these opportunities to go to the beer garden to refuel. How much does that disgusting, watered-down swill Heineken cost, anyway? And did Heineken ever have to pay those millions in fines for price fixing?
Biffy Clyro – The dream of the ’90s is alive in this pussies’ minds. Do you think that morons like this trio sits around and consciously DECIDES to sound like Coldplay, like…in a totally non-ironic way? “Coldplay are huge, let’s sound like them, but we’ll use some distortion pedals every once in a while. It’ll be great. The kids’ll love it.” And, of course, no one loves it. Because even Coldplay with distortion pedals sounds like music to castrate yourself to.
The Evens – It’s like a reverse White Stripes who sound like they can’t play their instruments! Sorry, Ian McKaye, but it’s true. By the way, I saw you in that bar in LA last year. Granted, it was in the bathroom, but still…You’re not fooling anyone with your continued (supposed) straight edginess!
Kill The Noise – Kill the person responsible for this piss.
Pusha T – I like Pusha T. I’m not afraid to say it. I mean, I’d be afraid to say it to his face, because he’d probably kick my ass for being a scrawny white dude…but he’s got good flow! Hell Hath No Fury was great!
The Selector – Wait, you mean, like…THE SELECTOR? The ska band that recorded for 2 Tone in the late ’70s/early ’80s? And they’re taking the stage in between Pusha T and El-P? Oh, God, how embarrassing for them! Hell, even Sparks might have gotten a higher billing than them, and Sparks only had two cool songs! Poor, poor Selector. If nobody comes to see these guys play it’ll be a travesty. It’ll be like the holocaust. It’ll be a full-on SKAlocaust!
El-P – Shit Hop.
Allen Stone – There are still soul artists? I thought Stevie Wonder was the last one.
Bingo Players – I’m starting to get a little drunk, guys. From now on if I see someone’s a DJ I’m just going to ignore them because I’m tired of the stupid bleeps and bloops. I’m tired of all this tired music. I’ve listened to like 75 bands in the last 24 hours and I haven’t heard an ounce of originality yet. This is disgusting.
Booka Shade – German house music. Maybe they’ll make their set bearable by having two hot Nazi babes shit on each other.
Wild Nothing – I’m not even close to wild about this shit. I’m whatever the opposite of wild is. I like that there are guys trying to replicate the C-86 vibe, as if that’s an original take on writing music. Uh…that was over twenty-five years ago. There’s nothing original about trying to do something that was already accomplished much, much better than the vomit you call songs. What’s that you say, the album was ranked the “49th best album of 2010 by Pitchfork Media?” Who gives a shit? I think you guys are the worst band of all time. Why don’t you include that gem of a quote on your one-sheet when your next album drops.
Danny Brown – Do you mean Danny Brown the rapper? Or do you mean the basketball player known as Dee Brown? Or do you mean the guy who wrote the Da Vinci code? What’s he going to do a book reading and signing event? “Oh MAN, did you guys know Dan Brown is signing copies of the Da Vinci Code over on the Fruttare stage!? I hear John Grisham is gonna be over at the Red Bull stage later signing copies of The Client! This is the best music and arts festival ever!”
Janelle Monae – From one Best Contemporary R&B Album nominee to another, maybe she should spend her entire set teaching the audience about the horrors of domestic violence, and why IT’Z NOT OKAY to do anything BUT wish ill upon Chris Brown.
2 Chainz – Tity Boi? Awesome.
Ben Howard – A british singer/songwriter and a surfer. Is there good surfing in Britain? I mean…Australia, sure. California, obviously. But Britain? Surfing? Is it that big that some limey git with shitty teeth could go so far as to define himself as a surfer? I don’t buy it. And, what’s more, I don’t buy you, Ben Howard.
Dropkick Murphys – They’re gonna start to play “I’m Shipping Up To Boston” and every Lakers fan at the show is going to rain a chorus of boos on these guys. The idea of it is so hilarious it almost warrants spending $400 on a ticket to see it firsthand! No, wait, I can think of plenty of other things I’d rather do with $400.
Fedde Le Grand – Dutch house DJ. No thanks.
Major Lazer – Ugh.
Richie Hawtin – Was Richie Havens already booked? At least he has musical festival experience. Unlike all these other bands and DJs. Speaking of which, why is there even an electronic/techno element at Coachella? Don’t those people already have festivals all over the world all the time? Isn’t that what EMF and Signal Festival and The Glade and all that shit are for? I guess what I’m trying to say is, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING FOOLS LISTENING TO THIS CRAP?
Bat For Lashes – Soft rock is bad. Goth pop is bad. Soft Goth Pop Rock? That’s, like, literally the daintiest, weakest music imaginable. It’s like trying to enjoy a faberge egg. It makes me cringe. I hate it.
The Make-Up – I like the Make-Up. I’d see them. Not at Coachella, but I’d go see them if they played in LA.
Portugal The Man They have a comma in the middle of their band name. Someone shove it up their ass. Or his ass. I don’t even know if this is a person or a band. Someone shove something up the ass of the person responsible for this moniker.
Cafe Tacvba – The band most likely to incite cartel violence at Coachella.
Puscifer – The band least likely to be as cool as Tool. Who, by the way, weren’t all that cool. But compared to Puscifer? Sure. I’ll take ‘em.
Spiritualized – You guys know how I feel about Spiritualized. They’re one of my all-time favorite bands. I’m staying in Vegas an extra night to see them play at the House of Blues the night before this show. I’m missing a day of work AND paying an extra night to stay in Sin City just for Spiritualized. But I would NEVER pay to see them at Coachella. I don’t even think I’d pay to see a Spacemen 3 reunion at Coachella. If it was a ONE TIME thing, MAYBE I would. But how often does that happen? The Pixies reformed at Coachella and then they went on like 6 tours of the states to drive home the point that they had gotten back together. Blur will do the same thing. Maybe not for six tours, but there will be other chances to see ‘em outside this shitty festival.
Simian Mobile Disco – Fuck you.
Violent Femmes – Wait…is this just gonna be the Ritchie band? Or is Gordon Gano going to be there as well? Because, you know, there was that whole lawsuit that led to the band breaking up a few years ago. It’s hard to believe that two guys who wound up in court fighting each other would agree to get back together and play another show…but I guess stranger things have happened. I’ve seen bands go on stage together not five minutes removed from a full-on fistfight backstage. Shit happens. Money can make people do crazy things!
Franz Ferdinand – These guys are still together? I guess that’s not a bad idea, seeing as how every band wants to sound like it’s 2006 again. Time’s right for these idiots to try and cash-in on it.
Yeasayer – More like Nosayer! HAHAHAH THAT’S TOTALLY ORIGINAL I JUST MADE IT UP I’M SURE NO ONE’S EVER USED THAT ONE BEFORE. “Yeasayer’s influences include Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Dead Kennedys, Leonard Cohen, Radiohead and the Talking Heads.” Uh…yeah. And my influences are The Beatles, G.G. Allin, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Glenn Gould and Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
The Descendents – They had that one song. What was it called? I don’t even remember…that was so long enough. High school. Eh, whatever. Nobody cares about the Descendents anymore. What’s next, an album called Milo’s Fucking Forty And Still Paying Off His Student Loans? Milo’s Got A Grandson? No thanks.
Moby (DJ Set) – Well…I guess it could be worse. Moby could be playing his own music.
Two Door Cinema Club – Irish indie rock band. I guess Vampire Weekend is already influencing other bands. Shit and I thought th 24-hour news cycle was annoying. The 24 hour indie-rock cycle might be even worse than that. Oh, sorry. According to AllMusic these fey little nonces were influenced by Franz Ferdinand and The Postal Service. I guess that’s one way to immediately wish grave bodily harm on a band without even hearing a single note they’ve played.
Benny Benassi – Oh, and ITALIAN DJ. I haven’t seen one of those yet. I’ve seen French guys and British guys and American guys and Canadian guys and Australian guys…and even though they all do the exact same thing and it sounds the same no matter where you are in the world (that is to say, it sounds awful) maybe this Italian guy will do something different. Maybe he’ll spin some records and people will dance to it. Maybe he’ll match a couple beats and some kids rolling on MDMA will appreciate it. Why doesn’t Christian Marclay ever get to play Coachella? Now HIS art requires actual talent.
Knife Party – Isn’t that the name of a Deftones song? Are there modern bands naming themselves after Deftones songs? That makes me feel so old. I’m not gonna lie — White Pony actually had some pretty good songs on it. And “Change (In The House Of Flies)” doesn’t make for a very good band name. So what do these Deftones-wannabes sound like? …Whoa. Not even close to the Deftones. Shitty electronic music. Oh well. Too bad.
Grizzly Bear – Do bloggers still go apeshit for these mongoloids? Or as that whole 2009 debate about who’s the darling of the blogosphere (Animal Collective or Grizzly Bear) finally resulted in its inevitable tie: Nobody gives a shit about either band anymore because kids these days have attention spans shorter than these guys’ dicks.
Hot Chip – Like Depeche Mode but gayer.
New Order – I’d rather watch The Happy Mondays. And I’d rather the Happy Mondays play Bummed from start to finish.
Sigur Ros – Fuck Sigur Ros. Pretentious douches singing in their own made-up language. Fuck ‘em.
The Postal Service – If you don’t know my feelings regarding this aural abortion by now you know nothing. Fuck. This. Band.
The xx – I know who the xx are only because I had to look up who Jaime xx is yesterday. If this sounds anything like his “solo” work it’s got to suck. Hell, their newest album is so bad even Pitchfork — ever quick to unhinge its metaphoric jaw around the dongs of any and every blog-buzzed band — deigned to describe it with words like “pedestrian” and ”
Phoenix – The fact that I’ve never even heard of Phoenix perfectly encapsulates why Saturday’s lineup is the worst of the weekend, and maybe even the single worst Coachella lineup of any day in the festival’s history. I’m not even kidding right now. Sometimes I lie and say shit like, “I’ve never heard of Animal Collective…” but that’s a joke. I 100% guarantee I’ve never heard of Phoenix before. That’s fucking pathetic. And not for me, I mean for the festival organizers. You couldn’t even get a band I’ve heard of to play what is arguably the most important slot of the weekend. Way to go, fucktards.
Theologian – Bearing Bitter Fruit [MP3]