I might as well get this out of the way quickly, because every year some idiot shows up here thinking the views expressed in these posts truly reflect my opinions of the artists I choose to critique. I would hope people don’t take this too seriously, but then again last year I was called a “fag” and told to “kill [myself].” The year before that 48 people wrote in to tell me I’m a cunt, a douche, a hipster (?), a dick, and a “musically ignorant fuck” among other things. I don’t imagine this year will go over and smoother, in spite of my efforts to warn people that I’m going to make fun of bands they like. Just imagine this whole first paragraph is bold and italicized and underlined. All the music you listen to is really great and you should never have to hear somebody you that what you care about sucks. Except for me. Right now.
Every year, a bunch of sissies in short-pant velvet suits who like to skip down the streets of (insert recently-gentrified “hip” neighborhood here) touting their ironic mustaches, pasty skin and asymmetrical bangs wait with baited breath for the announcement of which bands will perform at the annual Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Truthfully, there are probably a dozen acts I wouldn’t mind seeing. Other than that it seems like a waste of money.
The problem most people have with reading an evisceration of each year’s lineup is that they are incapable of objective criticism. Everyone thinks they have great taste in music, and that paying $400 and $800 to be directly marketed to by huge corporations for 72-straight hours is a good idea. No one thinks the music they like sucks, and no one wants to think that Playstation, Heineken, Red Bull, H&M and Fruttare are anything less than totally hip, totally chill corporations. Unfortunately, 99% of music still sucks, Heineken still probably thinks they’re marketing beer to “too many Negroes,” and Sony still made comments in opposition to energy efficiency standards in the state of California…where Coachella is held every year. But, hey. It’s your $400. Do whatever the fuck you want with it.
2013 Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival – DAY THREE
Ladies Night – Pretty much any search I do for information about Ladies Night takes me to a website or YouTube video dedicated to Kool & The Gang, so I can only assume that this is a non-band, about whom nobody on the Internet cares. Good luck with that career in music, Ladies Night. Pick a better name next time.
Adrian Lux – Shitty electronic music with auto-tuned singing. The scum of the universe.
Wild Belle – Nope. Not interested in this bitch unless she performs naked and asks guys on stage to bukkake her. Speaking of which, why doesn’t Coachella get a band like Master Musicians of Bukkake to headline. Who in their right mind wouldn’t be into this. Whether you’re right up front or watching it on a jumbo-tron way in the back. This shit kills.
Deap Vally – I thought the Yeah Yeah Yeahs played on Friday. ZING! This awful music video makes me feel like I’m looking at a The Cobrasnake photo gallery from 2006. Are the MisShapes DJing Coachella this year? I got dibs on Princess Coldstare! (Haha! You get Other Guy!)
White Arrows – This thing isn’t even going for auto-tune, it’s just a guy singing in sub-Peter Frampton’s talk box noise over the most cliched beats you’ve ever heard.
Robert DeLong – Thanks a lot, Thom Yorke. Can you stop fucking up music now?
Unicorn Kid – Why not just call yourself Faggy Cokenose or something?
Mord Fustang – Remember when Swervedriver played Coachella? Now THAT’D be a fun band to see in any venue, big or small. I’d like to see them once so I can get a taste of Son Of Mustang Ford live. Mord Fustang, on the other hand, sounds like what any irrational young girl who raids her mom’s medicine chest looking for pills and her grandma’s closet looking for ironic wardrobe accouterments will listen to for the next five years, or until she grows up and moves out of Silver Lake, and realizes that this isn’t music, and drugs are bad.
Little Green Cars – And the award for band most-likely to get their asses kicked while loading out their gear goes to…these wusses.
DIIV – Congratulations, you’ve perfectly captured the sound of literally every other “indie” band in the world right now. You are the zeitiest of the zeitgeist. You embodiment of a broken system in which undeserving bands like yours creating the brilliant artistic interpretations of utter mediocrity are somehow lauded for sounding just like every other of-the-moment band. Keep fucking up your way to the top of the blog charts, guys.
Ghost – Japan’s Ghost? Hypnotic Underworld Ghost? Snuffbox Immanence Ghost? I like those guys a lot. Uh…this is not that Ghost. This Ghost sucks.
Danny Avila – The first two videos on YouTube for Danny Avila mention Ibiza. That says WAY MORE than I need to know about this guy. Stay far, far away, Evan.
Hanni El Khatib – Wait, the chick from the Today Show with Kathy Lee Gifford? What’s SHE GONNA DO THERE? Watch Gail Simmons make breakfast for Al Roker?
Joris Voorn – Dance music is for fucking morons. There, I said it.
Dirtyphonics – The first three videos that come up on a YouTube search for Dirtyphonics are “The Crystal Method,” “Skrillex” and “Dirtyphonics.” No, no, and no.
Kurt Vile an the Violators – I like Kurt Vile. I loved Smoke Ring For My Halo. I think it made my top ten albums of 2011 list. That said, I’d be the exact opposite of excited to see him with a backing band.
Smith Westerns – Can I change my nominee for the Band Most-Likely To Get Its Ass Kicked While Loading Out Its Gear award this year? I want to nominate Smith Westerns for this award. Not because this song clearly rips off melodies by Oasis (“Married With Children”) and The Offspring (“Why Don’t You Get A Job”) but because they sing like a supernatural force has their balls in a vise. Sing like a dude, you pussy.
Jeff The Brotherhood – There’s a kid at work who likes this band and plays their CD every few weeks, and each time I hear it I have the exact same thought: Could you possibly rip off more ’80s and ’90s acts in the course of a single song? Should I name drop them all for you? The Jesus And Mary Chain (add a bit more of the modern LOUDNESS WARS style production to “Far Off And Gone” and I think you can actually HEAR the Jeff The Brotherhood song) . Superdrag. Weezer. Imperial Teen? I don’t know, I can keep going but I need to move on.
Maya Jane Coles – Maybe Morrissey was right. We should hang all the DJs. Then after that we can focus on the Smiths fans.
Dub Fx – Wow, a street performer from Australia. You know, why don’t we just let David Liebe Hart on stage for 45 minutes to wow the crowd with some of his street performance skills?
Thee Oh Sees – I love anything Jon Dwyer touches, so it should go without saying that I like Thee Oh Sees. I liked the Coachwhips more, but that was then and this is now. Still, this group doesn’t belong at Coachella. They belong in a shitty, sweltering club blowing minds in close proximity.
Julio Bashmore – This guy definitely sucks.
Parow Stelar – Ugh. There’s not a chance in hell you can convince me there’s artistic talent here.
Cloud Nothings – I wish people still cared about things like integrity in music. That way when they start watching a music video on the Internet and the first words they see are “Co-produced by Urban Outfitters” they would immediately realize, “What the fuck am I doing watching a music video for Urban Outfitters? Why aren’t I listening to a band that makes it’s own damned music video? Why am I watching a 5-minute commercial for a clothing company? Why am I watching a 5-minute commercial for a lifestyle? Why don’t I use my brain anymore?” The answer, of course, is because people are monumentally retarded these days and don’t give a fuck. You all make me sick. Enjoy your 45 minutes of an Urban Outfitters commercial at Coachella.
Mimosa – This is an idea I could get behind. Sunday morning mimosas. That’s what the festival organizers mean when they put mimosa on the schedule in between The Urban Outfitters Commercial and that Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie “Disclosure,” right? Let’s just pass out mimosas to everyone in the crowd. Corina Weibel from Canele is going to provide an egg in a hole for all forty-thousand of you, and you guys can sit around in the grass listening to pure nature instead of bad music while you enjoy your mimosas. Hell, why don’t we just replace all the bands on the schedule with chefs and they can just cook for us for three days. I’d be way more into that than this music stuff.
Disclosure – Aw, fuck. This isn’t the movie? It’s another electronic music thing? Fine. Fuck off. You suck.
The Three O’Clock – And, for the third day in a row, and absolutely amazing group is getting shitted on by being stuck in a mid-day timeslot that absolutely does not befit their talent or importance. What a damned shame. Fuck you, Coachella. Gotta leave room for “Grimes” near the top of that bill. Sorry, Three O’Clock. You guys’ll play at like 2pm on the small stage no one wants to walk to. Fuck you.
Jamie Jones – If we A-bomb Ibiza will we stop having to listen to this terrible dance music? Is that the stopper preventing this whole thing from being flushed down the world’s drain? Because if it is, I’m all for bombing Ibiza.
Loco Dice – What’s Deep House? How does it differ from regular house? The people who make it are more-firmly entrenched in their parents’ basements? I don’t get it.
Jessie Ware – Somewhere Sinead O’Connor is thinking (or did I read that she OD’d and died recently? I don’t remember), “This is all my fault.” Maybe it’s the reason she turned to drugs.
Paul Kalkbrenner – The first Google Image Search result is the outline of a guy’s head wearing massive retard headphones ad I immediately know that I don’t want to step anywhere near this sinkhole of shit.
Alex Care – I’m getting tired of these Toyota Rav4 commercials on YouTube only to be delayed from hearing more bad music. Wait a minute. I know this song. It’s from a TV commercial. Another song from another TV commercial. According to WIkipedia it was featured in “several” Internet Explorer 9 advertisements. Great. So now everyone at Coachella has been programmed to reach for their smartphones and Instagram a picture of this guy during this song in what will undoubtedly be added to the Guinness Book of World Records under the heading of “The most meta moment in human existence.” Hopefully the power will cut out before this dope takes the stage.
Rodriguez – I love Cold Fact. I loved Searching For Sugarman. I just love that after forty fucking years people are coming to learn about that record and how brilliant it is. I hope the documentary wins an Oscar. I think the world of Light In The Attic, have hung out with acquaintances at the label, think they’re awesome and intelligent and respect the hell out of what they do. BUT. And I mean this in the nicest way possible. Rodriguez performances are inconsistent at best. In terms of his vocal strength and guitar playing, the man can sound a bit off. So be warned, you might not get this. There’s a very good chance you might get this. I’m hoping for the former, but the latter is possible.
Tanlines – Remember that AWFUL band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah? Apparently they changed their identities and tried to make “it” happen again. You’re not fooling me, you dumb fuckers. You didn’t fool me the first time and you’re NOT going to get me this time. You still suck.
Father John Misty – Is Father John Misty anything like the Reverend Louis Overstreet? Because if so, I could totally dig that. Let’s get THAT guy up on stage to blow everybody’s minds. It’ll be like Sunday Church in Phoenix and everyone will be like, “What the fuck this shit rules” and then they’ll all go find God, the people who make Coachella will go bankrupt and I won’t ever have to write one of these blog posts telling you why these artists all suck ever again.
The Airborne Toxic Event – I’m so proud of myself right now, guys. The first comment on this music video is, “Your music is Timeless!” and since I can’t keep my wit in check — not even for a moment — I felt compelled to respond to that guy with the rhetorical question, “It sure does drag on, doesn’t it?” Game. Set. Match. Quickest Wit On The Internet goes to…me.
Roni Size & Dynamite MC – Oof. This is just awful. This sounds like what a seizure must feel like. I’m being 100% completely honest right now. Do you think anybody would listen to crap like this if it wasn’t for drugs?
OMD – Didn’t like ‘em the first time around, not gonna like ‘em now that there will be thousands of people ironically enjoying this when they would’ve pissed and shit all over it twenty years ago.
Raider Klan – How can someone be described as an “Underground Rapper” if they’re playing a festival with 40,000 people in attendance. Doesn’t “Underground” imply it’s some small-time artist with a teeny tiny cult following? Or does he usually perform underground like a little mole man and when he comes up to the surface this April he’s going to go blind and get carried away by a bird of prey while 40,000 people stand around thinking, “What the — what the fuck?”
Dinosaur, Jr. – Can’t knock J. Mascis and Co. I’m sure it’ll be fun and they’ll sound great, but fuck ‘em for playing Coachella.
Paul Oakenfold – I like to think of Paul Oakenfold as the “Brain Bug” from Starship Troopers. If you capture him and do all kinds of fucked-up scientific experiments on his brain, maybe we can finally learn how to stop this electronic music shit from ever happening again.
Hardwell – DJ. Useless fuck.
The Faint – The Faint is still around? I thought surely by now they would’ve crawled back up Bright Eyes’ butt and we’d never hear from them again. Speaking of…what ever happened to Bright Eyes? Did he move back in with mom and dad in Omaha? Does he go out to Barley Street and Bar 415 and look for drunk, easy girls in flowery dresses so he can say, “I used to be Bright Eyes” in the hopes that they’ll sleep with him? I picture him like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed And Confused, perpetually going after 16 year olds because anyone who’s old enough to know who he is realizes he’s a no-talent hack.
Gaslight Anthem Coachella Guy #1: “What do you mean, The Get Up Kids Aren’t Available?” Coachella Guy #2: “I mean exactly that. We can’t get The Get Up Kids. We can’t even get New Found Glory. If Saves The Day calls and backs out we’re going to be without a single shitty emo/alternative band on any of the three days.” Coachella Guy #1: “Isn’t there anything we can do? What does the Internet say?” [five minutes later] Coachella Guy #2: “All I can find is this tenth-rate The Killers knock-off called Gaslight Anthem. They kind of sound emo/alternative enough.” Coachella Guy #1: “Fuck it. Book ‘em. But make sure they play Sunday at the same time as some big-name Indie blog buzz band so no one notices.” Which brings us to…
Grimes – I guess Grimes is supposed to be…what…the Lady GaGa of the indie-verse? She looks like that guy from Twilight Samurai and apparently is one of the corporate bloghype indie machine artists de jour right now so– oh my God are you fucking kidding me? People listen to this artsyfartsy diarrhea and enjoy it? This makes CocoRosie sound like they’ve got big swinging dicks. You guys, this might be the most-unintentionally funny music video I’ve ever seen, for all the wrong reasons. I’d like to send my sincerest, most-heartfelt apology to the future of mankind on behalf of my BRAINDEAD peers who listen to Grimes. This is making me excited about turning 30 so I can be closer to slipping out of that dreaded 18-30 demographic and I won’t have to feel so responsible for the proliferation of BAD ART like this. Also, I don’t think it should be legal to so blatantly rip off Julee Cruise while singing “I Think We’re Alone Now.” Somebody sue this cunt for copyright infringement or for public indecency or something!
Excision – Oh, yah, I’m sure this will go over well.
James Blake – Fuck dub step. Fuck you.
La Roux – They should make her sing without auto-tune. THAT might compel me to pay the cost of admission. Some chick with no voice trying to sing over bad dance music. Eh…come to think of it, I could click around YouTube for 20 minutes and get my fill of that. Nevermind. This bitch is worthless.
Dead Can Dance – Again: didn’t like ‘em them, don’t care now.
The Lumineers – Dude in suspenders with acoustic guitar plays gay-ass song while people shout “Hey Ho” at him. Sounds like a recipe for the worst music imaginable, right? Well, you’d be surprised just how bad it can really get.
Tame Impala – Again with the fucking “Co-produced by Urban Outfitters” bullshit. Wake up, people. You’re not just listening to music you’re being marketed to and advertised at. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you can put this crappy music to bed and start making some rational decisions about what you like to listen to, how you like to dress, and how you appear in the eyes of people who don’t buy into bullshit as easily as you do.
Eric Prydz – Is this the last bad dance beat I have to listen to until next year’s lineup is announced? THANK FUCKING GOD.
Pretty Lights – Oh, wait. Nevermind. THIS is the last bit of shitty electronic music I’ll have to hear until 2014. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you anyone who likes this trash.
Wu-Tang Clan – Can’t fuck with this choice, other than to bicker that they should be headlining instead of the chosen headliners for Sunday, which might be the weakest choice in the history of the festival.
Social Distortion – I get that they’re a Southern California band and all, but…does anybody actually listen to these guys anymore? This is going to be terrible.
Vampire Weekend – You’re trolling me now, right? You know Vampire Weekend are very close to my least favorite band in the world (a distinction held by The Arcade Fire for the past six or seven years). There’s nothing new I can write about how fucking dumb this band is that I haven’t already written before.
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – The last time I saw the Bad Seeds was at the Hollywood Bowl a couple years ago, and even that setting (capacity a hair under 18,000) was too big for them. I can’t imagine how terribly a venue double that size is going to dwarf these guys. Oh well. You get what you pay for, I guess. It’ll be a good set, just not as good as can be.
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Really? Do I even have to say anything else? I mean…REALLY? COACHELLA? CLOSING NIGHT? HEADLINER? RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS? That’s so bad it’s almost hilarious. Thanks for your $400, guys. Here’s a big FUCK YOU from us to you. Way to go, festival organizers. You’ve made sure 2013 is the lamest lineup since 2007. To my complete lack of surprise, RCHP also headlined that year.
Mainliner – Imaginative Plain [MP3]