Letters To No One: Chobani
My name is Evan, and sometimes I like to stay fit and eat right. Generally speaking, this means making health-conscious decisions when choosing which products I take in as sustenance. For example, I no longer eat Yoplait yogurt because a) it contains aspartame, and b) some cups contain hair. I made the switch to Chobani in August of 2011 because I was tired of hair in my yogurt, but also because Greek yogurt is supposedly healthier than regular old Yogurt. The best Greek yogurt deal at my local supermarket is cups of the Chobani brand of Greek yogurt. The flavors I have purchased in the past include Blueberry, Strawberry, Lemon, and Apple Cinnamon. Once I even tried Vanilla, and added my own granola for whatever healthy side effects come from eating granola.
Things were good for a while between Chobani and me. I’d buy four or five cups per week and enjoy them as part of a balanced breakfast. Sometimes I chose to eat them for lunch if my breakfast ran closer to unbalanced (bacon/egg/cheese on a sesame bagel, Subway footlong western omelet sandwich, Coca Cola and chocolate bars, In-N-Out Double-Double, etc.) than balanced. All in all, I was happy with the consistency of the product (and I don’t mean that in the highfalutin taste-buds sense) as well as its yumminess. Then, of course, this happened:
It’s a good thing that disgusting, somewhat-curled black hair rose to the surface before I took my first bite or the tone of this letter would be vastly different. By the way, I’m no stranger to finding hair in my food, but this one looked the most like a pube I’ve ever encountered. The only hair that could have been more pubic-hair-like than this was the one I found at that Mexican restaurant near the movie theater in West Orange, New Jersey. I forget what that place is called or I’d totally throw them under the bus and publish their name. There’s no way that wasn’t a pube at the bottom of my burrito. Alas, that’s not the point of this letter. This is about YOUR (possible) pubic hair in my yogurt, Chobani.
Listen. It’s like I said the last time this happened: It’s one thing to go to a restaurant (*coughcough* Chipotle *choughchough*) and find hairs in your burrito every single time you eat there. It’s an entirely different situation when you shop at a supermarket and buy a factory-sealed product that is created and packaged under strict supervision, and that is supposedly quality control checked by people paid to prevent things like hairs-in-yogurt from happening. It’s unacceptable. It’s unacceptable, and someone needs to be held accountable. In this instance, that someone is YOU, Chobani.
You can’t imagine how upset this situation has made me. My favorite brand of Greek yogurt is no longer appealing to me. In fact, after the Yoplait hair-in-yogurt situation a few years ago, I almost swore of yogurt for good. But then I found Chobani, and through Chobani I learned to trust and love yogurt again. That is, until the events of this past week. It was Tuesday. I’ve tried referring to it as my own little Greek yogurt holocaust, but that doesn’t appear to have caught on with anyone who has heard this tale of woe. My Greek woe-gurt Tragedy. Heh. That’s pretty funny, actually. I’m gonna use that line again later. Fuck the holocaust joke. Greek Woe-gurt Tragedy is way funnier. Good job, me.
I’m not asking for anything in return for my distress. I don’t need recompense for the damage this has done to my diet and my psyche — and it has done irreparable damage. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat yogurt again. That’s twice in three years that I’ve found hair in my factory-sealed, quality-controlled yogurt cup. I imagine that national average of hairs found in yogurt is way lower than my current one-per-year average. Fuck. Now what am I going to do for breakfast? Am I going to have to eat unhealthy? Am I suddenly going to lose the urge to stay fit and trim? What if I blow up and gain two-hundred pounds because my diet changes? Can I sue you on account of the hair scaring me off of Greek yogurt, one of the healthiest foods on the planet? Don’t think I won’t keep that in mind, Chobani. No pressure. Respond however you’d like. Just keep in mind my anguish. My pain and suffering. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions ever since I find that (possible) pubic hair in my yogurt.
Hopefully someone at Chobani — and in particular the quality control department — can convince me that I should continue to buy your product while assuring me that I will never find another hair in my yogurt. Seriously, if I eat one cup of yogurt every day for the rest of my life I should be guaranteed that I will NEVER find another hair. Otherwise, what’s the point of anyone buying your product? It’s like the Russian Roulette scene in Deer Hunter. Open a cup of yogurt, there’s a pubic hair staring back at you. Boom. Dead. It’s practically the same exact thing.
If I were to compose a jingle for Chobani that accurately reflected my attitude towards the brand following the hair-in-my-yogurt discovery, I would likely borrow a line from Tootsie Rolls (not a part of a balanced breakfast).
“The world looks pretty fucked to me / Cause pubic hairs are all I see / Whatever it is I think I see / Becomes a pube in my Chobani.”
It’s your move, Chobani.
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