On Beams, Bears, Ghosts, Asteroids, Aliens & More!

January 12, 2013
by Evan

• A mysterious “beam” reported by the National Weather Service interrupted its radar service in Illinois this week. The “beam” has been puzzling experts because they are unsure what exactly it is. My guess? A laser beam. I mean, what other kinds of beams are there? I-Beams? Neutrino beams? Those are…something, right? I feel like I’ve heard of that before. Whatever the beams may be, it’s most definitely NOT “evidence of some kind of HAARP mind control” or “a targeting beam from an intergalactic destroyer.” Only an idiot would jump to one of those conclusion. An idiot like the guy who wrote this article. [story]

• “A police station in New Zealand is said to have been home to paranormal occurrences for over 20 years…but there are no clues who the phantom may be.” Probably because there’s no such thing as ghosts. That could be the reason police have been stumped by the mysteries at the Hornby station. I don’t see why these people keep hiring paranormal experts to investigate hauntings and other inexplicable mysteries. My services would come much cheaper, and would consist of me showing up and saying, “If you believe in ghosts you’re an idiot. There’s nothing wrong here.” Then I’d take my payment and leave. You guys, I think I found a way to be a world traveler AND get paid at the same time. I’m going to be a professional Paranormal Debunker. [story]

• Good news, everyone! “The Earth is safe from the giant asteroid Apophis when it flies extremely close to our planet in 2029, then returns for seconds in 2036.” The chances of impact with the asteroid in the year 2036 currently stand at less than one in a million. It’s a shame, because, I don’t expect I’ll be around in 2036 (I’d be 53 years old if so) but I think it’d be pretty cool to be living on the day that an asteroid collides with Earth killing everybody on the planet. Right before impact, I’d probably yell out a zinger like, “Take that, humanity!” That’ll teach civilization to care about anything other than the fact that we’re all gonna die someday. [story]

• Now that we’ve survived beyond 12/21/12 (the Mayan apocalypse) people who were bummed out that nothing happened are still trying to credit the Mayans for being expert prognosticators. So now the Mayans are being credited with predicting a 1991 solar eclipse. This article even calls it “impressive” and saying that they were accurate “centuries ahead of time!” (the added emphasis is mine) As if predicting a solar eclipse is amazing, but incorrectly predicting THE END OF CIVILIZATION is “meh”. Can we shut up about the fucking Mayans now? Please? [story]

• Ugh. “While it might still be far too cold for their [SIC HAHAHAHA THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “THERE” AND “THEIR”] to be any crop circles in Connecticut, they still got the circles…in the snow.” What made the circles in the snow? Either someone with a shovel or a snowplow. End of story, asshole. [story]

• “Could this be a photograph of a ghostly pirate ship?” Uh, no. It’s a blurry photograph that you want to turn into a pirate ship because someone couldn’t keep their fucking hand steady while they snapped the picture. [story]

• According to — who else — scientists, “giant pandas may be a rich source of powerful new antibiotic drugs” that are capable of fighting against superbugs and other diseases. Next up on our agenda? Kill all the giant pandas. It’ll be the cutest ursicide ever. [story]

Staple Singers – Good News [MP3]

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