On Roadrunner, Bunny Rabbits, Hauntings, Vampires & More!

February 16, 2013
by Evan

Nothing exciting happened in the news this week. Not locally here in Southern California. There wasn’t a ridiculous, bonkers manhunt or anything. Elsewhere in the country, what…what happened? Nothing? Well, nothing of note I’m sure. And worldwide? Pssh. No major political or religious leaders did or said anything of note. It’s not like a meteorite crashed into Russia, or an asteroid came dangerously close to impact with Earth. It was just another slow, boring week for the news media. I’ll try to pick out some interesting tidbits, but it’s like I said, nothing important happened worth sharing with you this week.

“Roadrunner” by the Modern Lovers is a pretty perfect song, isn’t it? Its writer, Jonathan Richman, hates it. I’ve heard that if you tell him you like it or say it’s great or amazing in his presence, he’ll cut you down by saying that “Louie Louie” is great or amazing. “Roadrunner” is not. He refuses to play it during live performances. And, yet, so pervasive is the belief that “Roadrunner” is a classic song, that a state senator has introduced filed a bill to make “Roadrunner” the state song of Massachusetts! What’s the state song now, that shitty Dropkick Murphy’s song about Boston? Uh…”Roadrunner” would make a great state song. It references the state routes, Stop ‘n Shop, the suburbs, the factories…it’s got it all. Would Jonathan be happy with the choice? Probably not. But it’d be cool nonetheless. [story]

If you have plans to visit the Denver Airport anytime soon — ahem, Ken and KT! — be on guard. The parking lot has been overrun by BUNNIES! That’s right, folks. Blood-sucking, bone-crushing, merciless killer bunny rabbits are apparently a huge problem in the airport parking lot. The little critters like to hop under cars and gnaw on the wires running beneath the hood. At least 100 innocent civilians departing from the airport (by car) have been KILLED after the murderous little fuzzy wuzzys disconnected cars’ break lines. Just kidding. I made that part up. But I think this might call for a deeper investigation. I mean, how long until one of the bunnies actually DOES disconnect someone’s break lines, leading to a death? Maybe we should make a preemptive strike against the bunnies? Catch ‘em all and turn ‘em into a stew? Surely there’s got to be one restaurant in Denver serving up “trio of rabbit” on their menu that could use the fresh meat. Luca D’Italia. Right? Ken? KT? You’re my reporters. I want you on this story NOW. [story]

“Ghostbusters say decommissioned U.S. Navy ship is haunted…” and I say this peanut butter-filled pretzel is haunted. And that TV over there. And this house. And your house. People can say literally ANYTHING is haunted and they’ll get at least one sucker to believe them. Unfortunately, in the case of this article about the Navy ship, an entire newspaper staff got fooled. From the owner right on down to the moron who approached his or her editor and said, “I’ve got a story. It’s about a haunted ship.” Idiots. The lot of ‘em. Useless idiots. [story]

Oh, boy. This one’s actually kind of interesting. “Doctors in Turkey have detailed the case of a man who exhibited all the traits of a real-life vampire.” Supposedly, the kid was so obsessed with blood that he would cut deep into his own body to collect and drink his own blood. Uh…and apparently that’s the ONLY TRAIT that matters to doctors when they described him in their medical journal article as “a real-life vampire.” Did you test the effects of sunlight, garlic, wooden stakes and holy water on this “vampire” of yours? What’s that you say, none of them had any effect on him? WELL THEN HE’S NOT A REAL-LIFE VAMPIRE YOU TWAT. [story]

Science is at it again, guys. Now researchers are saying that humans might have evolved “from [a] furry, insect-eating creature.” It kind of looks like a rat. Which, as unbelievable as it seems, would explain why my high school girlfriend looked how she looked. ZING! HAHAHAHAHA! OH MAN IF SHE KNEW I WROTE THAT SHE WOULD BE SOOOOOOOOOO MAD. No, seriously, look at this thing:

and then look at this thing:

I don’t know, which one looks to you like a more likely ancestor to us humans? [story]

Alright. Another night another birthday party. I’ve gotta head out, but have a good one and stay safe. Mix Tape tomorrow night. xoxo

Johnny Dorelli – Arriva La Bomba[MP3]

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