Friday Night Rains

March 8, 2013

Here in SoCal, where the weather is always 100% perfect and meteorologists have the easiest jobs in the world, it’s raining tonight. Turn on your local news station and their weather guy or gal — for perhaps the only time in the next calendar year — won’t be saying, “Seventy-five degrees and sunny” as the outlook for the entirety of his or her extended outlook. It’s pretty incredible, let me tell you. Hell, when I drove to work this morning and I looked out towards the…are those the San Gabriel mountains? The ones that include Mt. Wilson that you can see in the distance beyond Glendale? I feel like after six years I should have these facts down, but apparently I have better things to do than memorize the names of the mountainous parts of the Angeles National Forest. Whatever. My point is, they’re all snow-capped today! And they’ll probably be even more-so tomorrow! Ah, rain. Water of the Gods, I like to call it. It can be a welcome respite from endless days of perfect weather…

Unless, of course, it happens to be Friday night and you were thinking about going out on the town. We Angelinos aren’t too used to low-50s temperatures and scattered showers. We might as well be in the midst of a blizzard for all the confusion and frustration people experience during intermittent drizzles and brief downpours. Time to batten down the hatches, guys. I don’t know if this “storm” is going to let up at all tonight! So, what can you do to pass the time? Here, let me help.

By the way, this is an update of a list I first penned in 2009. I’ll try not to repeat myself. That way you’ll have a choice of 20 different things you can do, instead of just ten! The fucked up part is that my plans (pills, records, writing) is pretty much 1/3 of the original list. So I can’t even say I’m taking my new advice. I’ll be taking my old advice. Oh well, maybe you’ll make use of this…

10. Netflix – Did Netflix even have instant streaming in 2009? Something tells me it was rolled out more recently than that. Either way, it’s a viable option for passing the time tonight. Turn up the heat (right now it’s 66 degrees in my house, which I imagine many Angelinos find unbearable), put on your favorite pair of sweats, and try out “House Of Cards.” No, wait, what am I saying? That’s a terrible way to spend your night. House of Cards is like Homeland without the threat of terrorism. Which means it has even less balls than the show which is currently carrying the torch for the least ballsiest show on TV. After three or four episodes, House Of Cards had me wondering if this might be the best “inside” political show ever made. Then, of course, it turned out to be a show about relationships and love and the plot turned totally unfeasible. In other words, Homeland without any shred of suspense. A Lifetime movie of the week for women who also know something about politics, maybe. Instead, why don’t you watch The Snowtown Murders or Audition or I Saw The Devil. Those’ll get your blood pumping!

09. Bonfire – It’s cold, right? “Hella cold,” as they say in the Southland. Or at least they said that back when I was in 6th grade and I had a friend who lived in LA who said “hell” all the time. Why waste money on your monthly energy bill when you can raise the internal temperature of your domicile the old fashioned way — by lighting a fire inside! It’s pretty easy. Grab a trash can (metal is better than plastic, duh) and fill it with some old newspapers and other combustible items. Then set it ablaze and enjoy the radiant head of an indoor fire. It’s all the fun of a fireplace without the hassle of having to go out and chop (or buy) kindling and starter logs and all that other crap. Plus, you know, if your friends stop by unannounced you’ll earn some instant cool cred by totally slumming it up in your rapidly gentrifying hipster neighborhood! Hell, you can even toast some s’mores. Just be careful not to burn your house down. That would NOT be hella cool.

08. Read A Good Book – Ugh. I know. Reading is for losers and students. You’re way too trendy for that little kid shit. You’ve got a reputation to protect. And that reputation is “someone who doesn’t know how to read.” Lest anyone find out your little secret, it’s probably best to just spend tonight sitting around twiddling your thumbs, don’t absolutely nothing. IF you decide maybe you want to read a book at some point in your life (this embarrassing young-dumb-and-full-of-cum-lifestyle you’ve deluded yourself into perpetuating won’t last forever), a rainy night is usually a good time to start. I’ve got a handful of books waiting for me to get around to them, and I might just pick one up tonight after I finish this post. See, I’m not ashamed to let people know I read. They’ll still let you into The Hudson or Harvard & Stone tomorrow if you read a book tonight. Word around town doesn’t spread THAT fast.

07. iPic Theaters in Pasadena – The last time I was there was to see Tron: Legacy on Christmas Day a few years ago. It’s a bit expensive, but they’ve got a full bar and a food menu, and you’re in a movie theater with only fifteen or twenty other people, in plus leather recliners. Is there seriously a better way to watch a movie when the world outside is dreary as fuck!? The trick to getting the most bang for your buck is to pick the longest movie that’s currently playing, even if it isn’t any good. And since I care about you oh so much, I’ve already done the requisite research: Oz The Great And Powerful in 3D is the only two hour-plus movie that’s currently screening at iPic. That gives you enough time to throw down a trio of sliders (go with the short rib), some truffle style fries and a few Jack & Coke’s. Before you know it, you’ve spent as much as you would at a local bar and you haven’t stood around outside getting soaked and shivering like the climatized pussy you are. You’re welcome.

06. Find Some New Music Online, Bliss Out – Lucky for me a friend hooked me up with the new Boris and the new Besnard Lakes albums today, so something else I’m going to do when I’m done with this post is dive into those records and see if they’re any good. I could think of a lot less exciting things for you to do tonight than find some new music you can enjoy and brag about to your friends. “Oh, what do you mean you haven’t heard the new Boris yet? It only came out, like, 48 hours ago!” See what a complete Toolglesias (part tool part Enrique Iglesias) you could sound like? It doesn’t take much effort, trust me.

05. Start A New And Unique Tumblr – That’s what I did last time it rained and I didn’t want to go out. And look how far I’ve gotten! Internet fame is just around the corner, just you wait!

04. Do Your Taxes – I know this sounds lame, but if you’re like me (that is to say, Jewish) instead of looking at it as a chore that takes a few hours to complete, look at it as figuring out how big a check you’re going to get from the government next month! Then you can start planning how to spend your refund. Where are you going to travel? What are you going to buy? The possibilities are endless. Each time the little calculator on your H&R Block or Turbo Tax software increases or decreases, stop (take a shot of hard liquor) and reassess the situation. “Ah, shit. I just lost a hundred bucks. Oh well, I guess I’ll cross the Roku off the list.” Or, you know, “Woo hoo! I just made a hundred bucks! Goodbye, loneliness, hello fleshlight molded in the shape of Gianna Michaels’ pussy!”

03. Drive Up To Mount Wilson – Wait a minute. Remember what I said earlier about the mountains surrounding LA being covered in snow this morning? If it’s raining tonight, and it’s in the low 50s or high 40s in LA proper, it’s probably snowing up in the mountains! How many opportunities do you actually get to experience snow when you live in this city!? You should grab some whiskey, get in your car, and drive up the Angeles Crest Highway so you can play in the snow and drink yourself silly. Build a snowman. Get a blow job from a snow bunny. Do whatever you want. Snow. Los Angeles. Tonight. Go for it.

02. Delocated Series Finale – The greatest show on television for the past few years aired its final episode last night. Grab yourself some SILVER BULLETS and a black ski mask and enjoy the last 30 minutes of “Jon” that’ll ever grace your television set. If you didn’t DVR it last night, odds are it is either available streaming on the Adult Swim website or it might be On Demand. I have neither the time nor the patience to look it up for you. At some point you’re going to have to start living your own life.

01. Kill Yourself – Boo fucking hoo, you pathetic loser. You live in Los Angeles, one of the most beautiful and idyllic places in the continental United States, and you’re crying over a little bit of cold weather and some rain? Go kill yourself. Trust me, the world will be better off without assholes like you whining and bitching like a bunch of spoiled children. Here, I’ll help. Why not fill up a kiddie pool with rain water, and then drown yourself in it. Remember a while ago when I told you to build an indoor bonfire? Why don’t you just cover yourself in lighter fluid and strike a match. Better yet, go sit in your car with the heat on to help warm you up. Just remember to turn the ignition all the way on and keep your garage door closed. I don’t care how you do it, just so long as the bitching and mining about one measly damp night in Los Angeles ends.

Boris – Bataille Suere [MP3]

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