On Bardo Pond, The Lords Of Salem, Siri, The Afterlife & More!

April 22, 2013

• So, listening to Bardo Pond cover “Maggot Brain,” the only thing that I’m disappointed by is how they didn’t ask Isobel to deliver the Eddie Hazel introduction like the original. That would have been really cool. Alas, they’ve got her playing flute, which is surprisingly effective. I imagine at some point I’ll make it to the B-Side, but for now I’m content to listen to the Funkadelic cover over and over again.

Actually, in the time it took me to write tonight’s entry I flipped the record and listened to the B side. It wasn’t nearly as good as “Maggot Brain.” Oh well. At least it had Isobel singing. I think I remember thinking she was really attractive the first time I saw them live, but I might have been really, really ridiculously high at the time. Like, sitting on the side of the stage because I couldn’t quite bring myself to stand up and watch them. I distinctly remember her hair. It…wasn’t what you would call groomed.

• I should have mentioned this last week, but on Thursday I was fortunate enough to attend a screening of Rob Zombie’s new movie, Lords of Salem, at one of the two AMC theaters in Burbank. I can never remember which one is which, but this was the one with the pair of escalators out front leading to the entrance. They had a red carpet set up, and a bunch of the cast and crew were in attendance. I guess you could say it was as close to a premiere as a movie with a paltry $1.5 million dollar budget could afford. Legends of B-movie fame were in attendance, like Ken Foree (Dawn Of The Dead), Patricia Quinn (The Rocky Horror Picture Show), Dee Wallace (The Howling, Critters)…the usual suspects were there as well (Zombie, his wife, that other guy…the guy from The Hills Have Eyes. You know the one). Afterwards there was a complete shitshow of a Q&A that might have been the funniest train wreck I’ve seen in a while. After specifically asking not to hear any bullshit, boring Q&A questions, Zombie had to contend with a bunch of fanboys who asked him inane questions like, “Are you going to make a 3D movie?” and absurd sycophantic praise like, “I think we saw the birth of a new American auteur tonight!” Oh God, it was hilarious. Way better than the movie, which completely lost my interest/attention when I saw what appeared to be an aborted flipper-baby for the first time. The best/worst shot of the entire film was when the protagonist (Mrs. Zombie) falls asleep in her dark bedroom, only to have the flipper baby waddle into the frame and leer creepily at her from her beside. HAHAHAHA FLIPPER BABY!!! [IMDB]

• Did you know that Apple records and keeps iPhone users’ Siri questions as long as 2 years after they’ve been asked? Apparently (according to the LA Times) this is an outrage, or an invasion of privacy (or something — I haven’t read the full article). If this is true, it must make me look like the lowest-functioning mentally handicapped person that has ever walked the earth. Literally, the only times I ask Siri for advice are when my sister sends me long strings of Emoji text messages. Because Siri actually possesses the ability to “translate” Emoji into longwinded descriptions of what each individual face or object is a depiction of. It’s kind of brilliant. It’s definitely good for a laugh when your spirits are low. Just have someone text you five lines of Emoji, and before reading the message ask Siri if you have any new text messages. Then ask her to read you the newest one, and she’ll start to rattle of all the different pictures and it’ll sound like the silliest nonsense you’ve ever heard. Of course, all the while, the folks holding onto your data and Siri usage stats at Apple are probably thinking you’re king of the retards. [story]

• According to researchers, the afterlife feels even more real than reality! Not sure how they came up with that assessment (maybe they just watched Martyrs for the first time?) but if CNN is reporting on it, it must be true. I mean, they’re NEVER WRONG, right? So, yeah. They say death is realer than life. Which, by the way, sounds like an Elliott Smith lyric. A later one. Like one you’d hear on From A Basement On The Hill. By the way, isn’t one of the messages in Martyrs that it’s not worth seeking truth about the afterlife? I mean, isn’t that why it ends the way it does? The woman has been a part of that project for so long trying to find some kind of answer about what comes next and then…”Keep doubting.” I don’t’ know, SCIENCE, I’m pretty sure there is no afterlife. So this assessment of yours that it’s better than life is, in my humble opinion, complete and utter bullshit. [story]

• By the way, I watched Frontier(s) last night and I have to say, I wasn’t really as impressed as I thought I’d be. I liked where it was going at the start. I liked the voice over at the start, “Who would want to be born to grow up in the chaos and the hate? I’ve decided to spare him the worst…” and was hoping it would come back around at the end, but there’s no real hint that she was going back to that way of thinking. I thought it would have been a pretty fucked up ending, that after surviving the grisly ordeal she remembers that THIS is why she made that (temporary) decision at the onset of the movie, and she was right all along. Alas, all we wound up with was ambiguity. Boo. GO THERE, FILMMAKERS. If your’e gonna raise the stakes like that at the start, have the balls to do it again at the end.

• Uh…two young boys in Massachusetts found a decomposed foot and already the conspiracy theorists are running wild about it belonging to Bigfoot. Listen. If we’ve been over this once we’ve been over it a hundred times. There’s no such thing as Bigfoot. Yes, there was a period in our evolution that we resembled what could be considered a Bigfoot-ish human/primate creature, but that doesn’t mean those guys are still running around the woods evading photographers and leaving decomposed feet behind to be jerked off over by some lunatic BELIEVERS. Sorry guys, I’m sure you’re keeping hope alive that this is the definitive proof that will turn us skeptics around, but it’s not. It’s probably a regular old dead guy’s foot. [story]

Balmorhea – On The Weight Of Night [MP3]

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