Unbreak Your Heart

September 16, 2013
by Evan

AsapSCIENCE (via YouTube) posted a video last week on the science behind breakups. It also offers scientific evidence for how to best heal your broken heart. I guess the gist of it is that the anterior singular cortex is responsible for handling both physical and emotional pain, as well as other functions. The video then implies that if you surround yourself with an emotional bandage (friends and family!) it releases natural stress hormones like norepinephrine. Basically family and friends are the best antidotes for a broken heart.

Or…is it.

I’m no scientist, but I know a thing or two about heartbreak. I know it’s not fun. Unless it is fun, in which case…it can be pretty awesome. Yeah, sure, the initial shock might startle you, but there are plenty of naturally occurring neurotransmitters that are just as capable of turning your frown upside down as norepinephrine. For example, you know…dopamine, melatonin, serotonin…those are pretty cool.

Here’s some science that you WON’T learn from a YouTube video about how to heal a broken heart.

Amphetamine: A lot of people will tell you that stimulants can’t possibly help heal a broken heart. They’ll say it’s best to keep calm and relax and let yourself soak in the warmth and love provided by the people who care about you. Of course, amphetamine also amplifies the effects of dopamine and norepinephrine. Which means elevated mood, heightened libido (good for those all-night fuck-a-thons your newly-single ass is going to be engaging in!), and euphoria. Plus, loss of appetite, which might serve you well if you have your heart broken right before bikini season.

Adrenochrome: Aldous Huxley once described this uncontrolled substance (legal to buy, own, possess and sell!) as “a product of the decomposition of adrenaline” that can “produce many of the symptoms observed in mescaline intoxication.” Small scientific studies have shown it triggers psychotic reactions like derealization and euphoria. Sounds like a pretty good way to get your mind off that broken heart, right!? What’s better than euphoria!? NOTHING. For a similar effect you could just eat a human hypothalamus, from where cortisol (another stress hormone) is released. Since I don’t know how/where/why you would go about procuring a cortisol-packed human hypothalamus, you might want to stick to the Adrenochrome for now.

Strip Clubs: Nothing releases…uh…serotonin (?) quite like a sloppy lap dance. And I’m pretty sure there have been scientific studies that show two French Canadian girls rimming each other in a private booth for your eyes only is a pretty cool thing to have seen that you can brag about to your friends later.

Filthy Sex With Dirty Whores: You know what else releases a lot of chemicals in your body? Sex. It releases the ones we never see (all those weird brainy ones you read about in scientific journals) and then they also release the ones we do see, your sex juices, which are the physical byproduct of true psychological happiness. Or at least that’s how I like to think of it. Thus, pulling out and dropping a load on a girl’s face isn’t “degrading” or “dehumanizing” so much as it is “helping mend a broken heart.”

See guys, science is so easy even I can understand it, interpret it, and share it with a worldwide audience. And it’s just as valid as wikipedia, right!?

My source is my penis. And my pretend crippling drug addiction.

Also heartbreak is kind of bullshit. Get over it. She wasn’t right for you anyway. You’ll do better next time I promise. That’s just how it works.

Alcest – Solar Song [MP3]

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