In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2014 Lineup

February 26, 2014

Guys, if VICE can try to steal my idea, the best I can do is defend my crown as Definitive Festival Lineup Antagonizer.

Every year some idiot shows up here thinking the views expressed in these posts truly reflect my opinions of the artists I choose to critique. I would hope people don’t take this too seriously, but then again in 2012 I was called a “fag” and told to “kill [myself].” The year before that 50 people wrote in to tell me I’m a cunt, a douche, a hipster (?), a dick, and a “musically ignorant fuck” among other things. I don’t imagine this year will go over and smoother, in spite of my efforts to warn people that I’m going to make fun of bands they like. Just imagine this whole first paragraph is bold and italicized and underlined. All the music you listen to is really great and you should never have to hear somebody you that what you care about sucks. Except for me. Right now.

Ahem.

Every year, a bunch of sissies in short-pant velvet suits who like to skip down the streets of (insert recently-gentrified “hip” neighborhood here) touting their ironic mustaches, pasty skin and asymmetrical bangs wait with baited breath for the announcement of which bands will perform at the annual Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Truthfully, there are probably a dozen acts I wouldn’t mind seeing. Other than that it seems like a waste of money.

The problem most people have with reading an evisceration of each year’s lineup is that they are incapable of objective criticism. Everyone thinks they have great taste in music, and that paying $400 and $800 to be directly marketed to by huge corporations for 72-straight hours is a good idea. No one thinks the music they like sucks, and no one wants to think that JBL, Heineken, Red Bull, H&M and Fruttare are anything less than totally hip, totally chill corporations. Unfortunately, 99% of music still sucks, Heineken still probably thinks they’re marketing beer to “too many Negroes,” and Sony still made comments in opposition to energy efficiency standards in the state of California…where Coachella is held every year. But, hey. It’s your $400. Do whatever the fuck you want with it.

COACHELLA DAY 1 LINEUP

Gabba Gabba Heys – Good way to get things started. A Ramones tribute band. That way literally no one will care if they show up late.

The Bots – “Mix Black Keys and White Stripes and what you don’t get is grey sludge. You get kids who sound alive with feral punk energy.” Actually, what you get when you mix those two bands are the most pretentious, despicably careerist douchebags on the planet. You basically get a car commercial. Do you want to listen to a car commercial for forty-five minutes? Neither do I.

The Preatures – AKA “Not The Strokes.” Or, “Okay…The Strokes with a girl singing.”

Mako – Really? Mako? This has to be someone’s idea of a joke.

+++ – I’d write something witty but my Google searches aren’t returning what I’d hoped they’d return. And I don’t have the time or the patience to sift through all the math just to poke fun at what I’m guessing is a shitty DJ.

Wye Oak – Oh, an “indie folk duo”. Perfect. That’s just what I want to hear on a Friday morning to get me pumped for 72 straight hours of balls to the wall music mayhem. Will one of them play the accordion? Will one of them shit on the other? I can’t wait to not find out.

Tom Odell – British indie-pop singer-songwriter. 23 years old. Ship him back overseas, please.

Austra – A Candian synth pop band. Actually Wikipedia calls them “dark wave,” but judging by this photo they’re as “dark” as the Hot Topic at your local mall.

DJ Falcon – That’s quite the bitchin’ DJ handle you got there. I can’t wait to see you cue up some songs on your MacBook.

Davide Squillace – Another DJ. Of no use to me.

Dum Dum Girls – Dumb, dumb choice.

Title Fight – Wooooooooo! PUNK ROCK!!!!!!! Oh, wait. AllMusic says they’re kind of like Sense Fail, Jawbreaker and Texas Is The Reason? Yeah, no thanks.

Waxahatchee – “Following the breakup of a band and a relationship, D.I.Y. songwriter Katie Crutchfield emerged with this confessional solo project.” What’s she gonna do, pull out her hair on stage and cry about her ex? Sounds like a CAN’T MISS act.

Deorro – Electronic. No.

Flatbush Zombies – So it’s come to this. Band are naming themselves after Brooklyn’s hip neighborhoods? What’s next, Echo Park Draculas? Ravenswood Girls?

Caravan Palace – “Caravan Palace is a self-described électro-swing group from Paris, France…” Oh sure, leave it to the French to make up a new genre as terrible sounding as electro-swing. So what you’re saying is, it sounds like a mash-up of Skrillex and the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies? Count me out.

Anti-Flag – Uh, wasn’t anti-flag an anarchist punk band? What the hell are they doing playing Coachella? Are they really into taking money from sponsors like Samsung, H&M and Red Bull? Is that punk these days? No, seriously. I’m asking a serious question.

ZZ Ward – “ZZ Ward grew up with her father’s blues collection and her brother’s hip-hop records, a blend that became a big part of her later sound.” So M Ward gave birth and his daughter is an eminently bone-able chick who likes the blues. I guess I can get behind that. Pun intended.

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – Can’t complain about this. Would see again.

Dixon – Again, not going to bother Googling it because I don’t want to sift through the results.

Solomun – At first I was hoping someone’s auto-correct misspelled Souleyman, as in Omar Souleyman, but I guess that’s not the case. It’s some DJ from Germany. We should just send all the DJs to Germany and intern them there for eternity. They seem to like that kind of music there. And the country has a history of putting groups of people to work in their “camps”. I can’t think of a better place for DJs!

Duke Dumont – Another useless DJ.

Anthony Green – The guy from Circa Survive? Like, the shitty emo band? What’s wrong, it wasn’t emo enough to play with a group? For the full effect the guy had to go solo? Well, now I’m interested in hearing in what this guy has to say. Oh, by the way, Fall Out Boy is headlining Coachella 2015. You heard it here first.

Nina Kraviz – If she plays “Are You Gonna Go My Way” I might have to ask her to marry me. (Performs a quick Google Image Search for “Nina Kraviz” …) Yeah, I guess I could deign to marry her.

GOAT – As much as I loved “World Music,” I’ve never once felled compelled to see GOAT in a live setting. As fun as it would be to see a bunch of people in costumes dancing around like mad on stage, I can’t get over just how bad the girls sound without any studio tricks to aid them. I’d rather see Master Musicians Of Bukkake live.

Damian Lazarus – Tonight the roll of Damian Lazarus is going to be played by PRETTY MUCH ANY DUDE FROM LA IN THE AUDIENCE AT COACHELLA AT THE TIME THIS SET IS SUPPOSED TO BEGIN.

Hot Since 82 – Irrelevant since formation.

Kate Nash – What if she plays Cloudbusting in its entirety!? (Guys. That’s a joke.)

MS MR – Are they gonna play that song from the Game Of Thrones season three trailer? And then vanish from the stage? Okay, I can take that. Anything more, and I’d rather go stand in line for a $10 cup of beer for four hours.

Michael Burn – Wait a minute, how is a dead English journalist/commando going to PERFORM MUSIC at a festival four years after he died? Don’t tell me they’re going to do another Tupac Hologram thingy are they? Ugh.

Gareth Emery – Another DJ. Hang him too.

Shlohmo – I was really hoping this would be another Matisyahu-type Jewish guy, but it turns out he’s just a douche from LA with a silly moniker.

Carnage – “Carnage is a fictional comic book supervillain appearing in books published by Marvel Comics, usually as an enemy of Spider-Man.” Holy fuck. You guys are in for a treat! That guy was one of my favorite Spider-Man villains!

Woodkid – “Yoann Lemoine is a French music video director, graphic designer and singer-songwriter. His most notable works include his music video direction for Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”, Taylor Swift’s single …” So basically you’re going to Coachella this year to see the guy who did the videos for Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Cue the Cannonball Guy Life-Imitating-The-Simpsons conversation.

Grouplove – Big orgy. Could be cool. Lots of pretty people go to Coachella. Maybe that’s why I’m never there.

A$AP Ferg – No time for hip-hop if it’s not Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, Nas, Wu Tang, NWA, The Roots, Black Star, or Gang Starr.

Jagwar Ma – And the award for dumbest ironically-misspelled band name on the Coachella 2014 lineup goes to…

Ale Blacc – What is that, a beer? It’s not one of those weak-ass LA microbrews is it?

Flume – THERE’S GONNA BE A LOG FLUME? AND I’M MISSING IT? FUCK!

Bastille – Really? Alternative Rock? In the 2010s? Oh, I don’t think so.

The Cult – Like, Ian Astbury and The Cult? That’s kind of sad, isn’t it? It’s like…if a goth rock band falls in the middle of the desert, does anybody hear it?

The Afghan Whigs – Poor Afghan Whigs. They break up in 2001, get back together a couple times, then decide to give it another go. “They asked us to play Coachella, that’s a big deal! We’re back!” only…it’s still early on Friday and three-quarters of the crowd won’t be there to hear you. Good work guys. Welcome back.

The Glitch Mob – Electronic. Pass.

Bryan Ferry – is Roxy Music getting back together? No? Then I don’t care.

Bonobo – Like the monkeys? I Guess that could be cool. So long as whoever loans them their instruments doesn’t care about poop being smeared all over the place.

Martin Garrix – Another useless DJ.

AFI – Part of me thinks it would be HILARIOUS of Day 1’s lineup featured…you know…Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, AFI, 311, The Used, Saves The Day and Paramore. Because then all those big city hip types in their Pocahontas garb and their khaki shorts and flip flops would have to pretend that they were really into this style of music that pretty much went out of fashion alongside Sum 41 and Staind and Creed. Try explaining THAT one to your buddies over drinks at Harvard & Stone.

Neko Case – Can’t stand her. Sorry. She’s useless in my book.

HAIM – Pretty much the most over-hyped band of the decade. Three girls playing the most middling, milquetoast “rock” music imaginable and looking completely absurd in the process of doing so. I’d rather watch — and listen to — paint dry.

Chromeo – “Chromeo is a Canadian electrofunk duo formed in 2004 in Montreal.” That’s all I need to hear. I vote guilty. Let’s blow up Montreal. Except for Au Pied De Cochon.

Ellie Goulding – When I think of outdoor festivals with fervent fans and lots of energy, the first thing that comes to mind is a 27-year-old singer-songwriter who is best known for…uh…what’s this chick ever done? Nothing?

Girl Talk – Some people like experimental electronic music. I can be one of those people. But I don’t like Girl Talk.

Zedd – Zedd’s dead, baby. As in…should be buried in the desert and left for dead, not performing there.

Broken Bells – Have you ever tried to ring a bell with a crack in it? It doesn’t sound all that good. I can’t imagine that a whole slew of them are going to sound any better.

The Replacements – No qualms with The Replacements. I’ll wait for the club gigs.

The Knife – This is that couple that wear those Eyes Wide Shut masks and play synthesizers together? They wear all black and have perfect hair? Not for me.

Outkast – Really? As in Hey-Ya!, Outkast? Yeah, no thanks. This might go down as one of the weakest headliners in Coachella history. Or at least since Jack Johnson.

COACHELLA LINEUP DAY 2

Drowners – Seems kinda morbid to put a bunch of bloated corpses on stage in a really hot day in April. Good thing Morrissey isn’t playing this year, I’m sure the smell would offend him way more than hotdogs.

Syd Arthur – Really? Your’e gonna go with the whole Syd thing even though one of the most unique and incredible musicians of all time already did that? I don’t even know who you are and I’ve already zero respect for you.

UZ – They’re like U2, only way worse. Which is hard because U2 is THE worst.

Carbon Airways – Ooh, how environmentally-conscious sounding. What’s your carbon footprint, guys? Are you going to lecture us on how we shouldn’t have all drove out to the desert to see you? We should have carpooled or ridden our bikes or something? If I wanted that I’d stay at home and watch…uh…one of those channels that talks about how bad we treat the environment.

Saints Of Valory – Sounds like they could be a cool metal band. Nope. Wait, they’re an alterna-rock band from Austin. Strikes one AND two.

Unlocking The Truth – In which some obscure author reads excerpts from their new self-help book. Published by the same people who brought you “The Secret.”

Young & Sick – Please, if your’e going to parade young sick kids around on stage can’t you at least give them the respect of not advertising it to the world? Seems kinda harsh don’t you think?

The Magician – Oh brother. I thought this was a MUSIC festival. Now we’re going to have to watch some guy do card tricks on a giant stage? How the hell are we supposed to even see what card he’s holding up?

Bear Hands – Barely relevant.

MAKJ – Probably a DJ. Not gonna bother looking this one up.

Nicole Moudaber – What would happen if Cher, Lea Michele and Robert Smith had a baby. Not attractive.

Guy Gerber – I feel like if I were in school and I told a crowd of people I was going to see “Guy Gerber” this weekend I would most definitely have the shit kicked out of me.

Cajmere – And the award for second worst misspelling of a common word to make a band name goes to…

TJR – Not sure what that’s an acronym for, but then again that’s probably a good thing.

GTA – Is this like a competition they’re gonna hold? Ten people picked at random to get up on stage and play Grand Theft Auto against each other? Last one wasted wins? I guess that could be alright if you feed me enough beer to stop caring.

Blood Orange – Lightspeed Champion? Okay.

Headhunterz – Really? HeadhunterZ? You couldn’t just be Headhunters? Go to hell.

The Dismemberment Plan – Remember Travistan? Zero. Point. Zero.

Laura Mvula – “Mulva?”

The Internet – Someone’s going to wheel a computer desk onto the stage and, what, click around Reddit for a few minutes? Show off some pictures of cats and advice animals? Doesn’t sound like a bad way to cool down after all that high energy…um…Guy Gerber and Nicole Moudaber. Right!?

Graveyard – Cool guys from Sweden. Tee Pee band, right?

White Lies – English Post-Punk band formed in 2007. Boy, talk about seriously being post-punk. I mean, the whole punk thing was almost 30 years ago. Isn’t it time for a new name to classify these bands?

Foxygen – Another indie rock duo. Yawn.

Galantis – Didn’t bother. Probably electronic.

RL Grime – Rapper? DJ? Either way I don’t care.

Netsky – Rapper? DJ? Either way I don’t care.

Holy Ghost! – Holy Shit!

Bombay Bicycle Club – I could see being mildly interested if this was actually a bicycle club that flew in from India to take the stage and played some killer Bollywood-style jams, but it’s just another English rock band that literally nobody cares about except for their family and friends. What if Coachella was all Subliminal Sounds artists, like what you’d hear on the Thai Beat A Go-Go series. That’d be awesome.

Tiga – DJ. Blech.

Banks – “Next up, we’re going to auction off this one-of-a-kind Banksy piece that was carved out of a wall in New York City last year. We’ll start the bidding at one-hundred thousand dollars.” And next year they’re going to devote 45 minutes to a live-taping of Antiques Roadshow.

DARKSIDE – You can put it in all-caps if you want, I’m still not going to give you the honor of Googling who the hell you are.

Ty Segall – Can’t find fault with Ty Segall. Would not see at a festival, though.

Future Islands – I can think of about twenty 4AD bands I’d rather see here. Bauhaus. Serena-Maneesh. The The. Mojave 3. Red House Painters. Dif Juz. The Birthday Party. Hell, I’d even take Pixies I think.

Washed Out – Because you need to have the Mexican Summer record label represented at least once. RIght? Otherwise why are any LA hipsters gonna drive out to Coachella? To see Outkast? Oh, I don’t think so!

Solange – Nope.

Warpaint – That stupid local band, right? No thanks.

Mogwai – Can’t complain about this choice. They’re still one of my favorite bands, and one of the groups that helped me finally jump the hump from alt-rock to indie-rock my freshman year of college. Although I saw them at Curiosa back in 2004 and I have to say outdoor venues really don’t do much for their sound. Wait for the club shows. I think they’re playing the El Rey or the Troubadour sometime in April. Probably between Coachella weekends.

Temples – The band that’s on Heavenly? I guess that’s kind of cool. Mark Lanegan is still on that label. Manic Street Preachers used to be. Maybe I should check these guys out and give ’em a chance. Or maybe I’ll just sit here and wonder how much cooler it would be if Outkast played in this spot and Manic Street Preachers performed “Everything Must Go” to headline night one of the festival.

The Naked And The Famous – Terrible name.

Capitol Cities – I can’t say a bad thing about this band because I think a friend of mine is about to go on tour with them. That is all.

Dillon Francis – DJ.

CHVRCHES – And the third and final spot on the podium for dumbest misspellings of common words as band names goes to…

City And Colour – “City and Colour is the recording alias for Canadian singer-songwriter Dallas Green” — you mean the same Dallas Green who managed the Mets during their utterly forgettable early ’90s years? Like, when they were always a sub-.500 team and had a 37-year old Eddie Murray lead the team in home runs? And then…you know…that whole Bobby Bonilla thing? I hope someone eggs this guy’s trailer.

Cage The Elephant – They’re the band with that popular song in that TV show or commercial, right? Yeah, not interested in hearing that.

Sleigh Bells – Really? Someone’s gonna get up on stage and play some sleigh bells? In the middle of April in the desert when it is 90+ degrees? Isn’t that considering “trolling” in today’s parlance?

The Head And The Heart – Indie folk from Seattle. Remember when that city nurtured some of the best musical talent in the world? Hey, people of Seattle, remember the SuperSonics?

Kid Cudi – Eh.

Nas – If he’s performing Illmatic in its entirety, I’d say that’s cool. Otherwise? Just another reason to sleep in and show up late. Who else that plays before Nas would you want to see? Ty Segall? Graveyard? I could see those guys plenty without having to go to Coachella.

Fatboy Slim – When I was in college one year there was a kid who lived above me, and he used to wear fedoras and porkpie hats and refer to himself an “artist”. He was a complete douche. He had a mustache. He used to fuck his girlfriend mechanically to “You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby” and ONLY that album. Needless to say I’ve never been a Fatboy Slim fan.

Empire Of The Sun – Really? They’re going to show the JG Ballard/Steven Spielberg movie in the middle of a sweltering desert afternoon? Sounds like a real bummer of a day. Might as well just show Empire Of The Ants. At least that way all those dehydrating suckers who shelled out hundreds of bucks for a pass can laugh at something before they succumb to the conditions.

MGMT – Are these guys still active? Shouldn’t they still be at home grumbling about how Frank Ocean’s cover of “Nature Feels” / “Electric Feel” is more popular than their version? I’d be too embarrassed to show my face in public if I were them. But, sure, three o’clock on a Saturday seems like a good time for them to slip in and out of the festival without anyone noticing.

Pet Shop Boys – Oh how the once-mighty, now-an-afterthought have fallen. These guys were releasing huge platinum albums in the late ’80s, now they’re playing fifth fiddle to Muse. How important are Pet Shop Boys to the history of recorded music? “Eh, somewhere between MGMT and Foster The People, I suppose.” – The Big Book Of Music History.

Foster The People – Never heard of ’em. Stupid name.

Lorde – She’s a Grammy winner now, right? Shouldn’t all the hip youngsters be rebelling AGAINST her and people of her ilk? What’s going on with kids these days? Is buying in the new selling out? I’m so lost.

Pharrell WIlliams – N*E*R*D maybe. Pharrell solo? No thanks.

Skrillex – Ugh.

Queens Of The Stone Age – I remember seeing these guys for the first time at Tramps in NYC, in a club with about 300 people. They were pretty good! I guess I think of them in the same terms of a band like the Foo Fighters. Yeah, they can play to this audience and it’ll sound pretty good and might be a little fun, but why would you bother paying to see them here? Anyone? Someone offer me an answer, please.

Muse – An understandable choice. I saw them on the second stage at Curiosa back in 2004 and they were legitimately the only band who wasn’t The Cure that I could see performing to a huge crowd at an outdoor festival. They’ll have an insane light show, their songs work for the setting, and they’re a logical headliner choice. The only one of the entire weekend, but a correct choice nonetheless.

COACHELLA LINEUP DAY 3

John Beaver – Ugh, can’t we just deport his ass back to Canada already? Now he’s gonna play at Coachella? Count me out!

Bicep – I’d Google it but I don’t need to see a bunch of dudes flexing their muscles.

ScubaSCUBA. SCUBA. SCUBA. SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA. Say SCUBA. It sounds funny.

The Martinez Brothers – Pedro and Ramon? No shit?

Anna LunoeShe looks cute. Oh wait, she does this? Aaand I’m flaccid.

Preservation Hall Jazz Band – Would rather see Cults Percussion Ensemble.

J Roddy Walston & The Business – Not even going to bother.

Courtney Barnett – “Courtney Barnett is an Australian singer-songwriter and guitarist from Melbourne. Known for her witty, rambling lyrics and deadpan singing style…” so she’s going to be completely swelled up by the stage and the crowd, none of whom are going to be listening to a single word she has to say/sing. Sounds like a winner, whoever booked this thing!

Factory Floor – “Factory Floor are a London-based band formed in 2005. They have been described as ‘post-industrial’, using live drums, synthesizers and noise.” I’d listen to them but I’m really getting tired of doing this and want to get it posted soon. Someone else let me know if it’s any good.

Jhene AikoJACKPOT!

Ratking – Bob Weir’s band? I suppose that makes sense. (That’s a joke, guys…)

Aeroplane – Really? I feel like half of this lineup is DJs. Why? Don’t they have that other festival that’s just for DJs? And every single nightclub in every city around the world every single night of the week? Isn’t that enough?

Bo Ningen – “Bo Ningen are a Japanese four-piece acid punk band.They are signed to Stolen Recordings and licensed to Sony Music Associated Records in Japan.” You had me at “acid” lost me at “punk” and confused me with “Sony Music”. What kind of punk band signs with Sony?

James Vincent McMorrow – Oh, an Irish singer-songwriter. That’ll go over well. Does he sing in Gaelic?

Showtek – Fuck off.

Classixx – And you.

Poolside – “I’ll take, ‘Places I’d rather ben than at Coachella’ for a thousand, Alex.”

Lee Burridge – REALLY? ANOTHER DJ? WHAT GIVES!?

Surfer Blood – “Surfer Blood are an American alternative rock band from West Palm Beach, Florida, signed to Warner Bros. Records. The band has four members: John Paul Pitts, Thomas Fekete, Kevin Williams and Tyler Schwarz.” Not a SINGLE WORD in that entire description made me feel anything less than complete and total apathy towards whatever useless music these guys make for a living.

Daughter – Please tell me this is that awesome band Daughters, but without one member, so they (he?) just goes by “Daughter” now. No? It isn’t. Oh well. Next.

Bad Manners – Ska? Really? In this day and age? Why don’t you just go all-out and get Reel Big Fish to perform. If you’re gonna go, go all the way, you know?

Bombino – As in Group Bombino? I guess that’d be pretty cool to see live.

Superchunk – Eh. Another one of those bands who would be better suited at, like, Pappy And Harriets. Or the Echo. Not Coachella. Not gonna pay to see those guys out in the middle of the desert. Sorry.

Maceo Plex – Another crappy DJ.

John Newman – Any relation to A.C. Newman? No? Okay, thanks. (Side note: Even if he was related to A.C. Newman I probably wouldn’t care. I don’t even like A.C. Newman)

Frank Turner – “Frank Turner is an English folk/punk singer-songwriter from Meonstoke, Hampshire. Initially the vocalist of post-hardcore band Million Dead, Turner embarked upon a primarily acoustic-based solo career following the band’s split in 2005.” Oh brother.

Flight Facilities – DJ.

Art Department – Now maybe if you’d called yourself “Parks Department,” after that running Seinfeld joke about Cousin Jeffrey who works for the Parks Department, I might have cracked a smile and considered finding out if your music is any good. But since you’re not even that clever, I’m going to take a pass here and assume you suck.

Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue – Okay.

AlunaGeorge – I’ll give you five bucks if you pull the plug on these two.

Fishbone – Really? Fishbone? I mean…even when I was just coming of age in the early ’90s and listening to Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana, Fishbone wasn’t cool. So now twenty-plus years later I’m supposed to go to a huge music festival and watch FISHBONE? Uh, no thanks.

STRFKR – “It’s like STAR FUCKER but without the vowels. It’s really edgy.” Yeah, I get it. I’m still not impressed.

Zoe – And the award for least-Google-able artist goes to…

Rudimental – Now maybe if we can bind and gag and bury Rudimental somewhere in the desert, then replace with Rudimentary Peni, I might be intrigued. Otherwise? Who cares.

Krewella – Dance music for duds.

Laurent Garnier – Sounds more like a guy who makes perfume to me. I’m just going to assume he’s a DJ or electronic guy and move along.

Chance The Rapper – As opposed to Chance The Accountant? Chance The Pediatrist? Chance The Professor?

Big Gigantic – What, was Tiny Shrimp already taken?

The 1975 – Really? Have we honestly run out of band names that begin with “The” already? So now people are replacing nouns or verbs with numbers? Guys, I think this is the seventh seal. I think it’s the fourth horseman. We’re done. Music is done.

Adventure Club – Sigh. More electronic nonsense.

The Toy Dolls – The old punk band? I guess that’s decent enough. At this point i don’t even care anymore. I’m happy to see a familiar name but bummed that the name is showing up on Coachella’s lineup.

Flosstradamus – This looks familiar. A flosstradamus is, like, one level below a skrillex? I can never get my board game terminology right.

Little Dragon – Swedish trip hop. They should tour with Big Gigantic. Think of all the cool poster art possibilities. Sadly no one would show up to see either band. Maybe that’s not so bad. Maybe Coachella will have to book some better bands next year.

Duck Sauce – In my dream there are people passing out those little fried crispy things to a rapt audience. The ones you usually get in a wax paper bag and then dump in your egg drop soup. Then a helicopter flies overhead and released a million gallons of duck sauce. Then we eat some spare ribs and orange chicken and go home. That’s my Coachella. What’s yours?

Alesso – DJ.

Motorhead – Seeing Motorhead would be really cool. I just think it’s kind of embarrassing to have MOTORHEAD on the bill underneath Lana Del Rey. I can just hear the conversation debating who should get top billing. “Yeah, you guys are good, but you’re not LANA DEL REY good.”

Lana Del Rey – Yeah, give the performer with as much stage presence as a dead dog almost top billing on one of the country’s biggest stages. Smart. Real smart.

Disclosure – Full Disclosure: I don’t know who Disclosure is. And I don’t care.

Neural Milk Hotel – Yeah, the perfect setting for Neutral Milk Hotel is in front of a crowd of 75,000 people.

Calvin Harris – Dance-y guy? Right? No interest.

Beck – I mean, whatever. He hasn’t put out an album in six years. He hasn’t put out a good album in a decade. I could see him headlining, but the mere fact that he’s playing second fiddle to a bunch of scrubs on closing night is kind of an affront. Might as well not be there if he’s not going to headline, y’know?

Arcade Fire – Typical. Vomit. Somebody hand me the gun.

Have A Nice Day – Cropsey [MP3] – I’ve been enjoying the hell out of this record lately. Y’all should go ahead and buy it. The guy who runs the Flenser seems like a really nice dude, as well.

6 comments

  1. |

    I still haven’t listened to Bo Ningen, but Taigen Kawabe from the band is in the new line-up of Mainliner, so there’s probably something worthwhile there.

  2. |

    Bo Ningen are worth a spin and are great live; obnoxious, rifftastic, acid damaged! Bummed about the outkast comment, could listen to there discography front to back idlewild dun count tho…

  3. |

    Well, that’s two Bo Ningen name-drops. I guess I have to listen.

    Sorry about Outkast, Ronnie. Not for me.

  4. Tyler Kent
    |

    Bo Ningen is alright for sure and Graveyard is spectacular…I would love to see Goat and Mogwai is a nice touch. I saw Mötörhead once…about ’85 at the Aragon in Chicago with Mercyful Fate (with King Diamond on vox!) and I’m still saddled with tinnitus from Lemmy’s crew. Certainly the loudest gig I’ve seen! With these exceptions the Coachella lineup again is a steaming pile of shit I’m glad I don’t have to suffer through! Nice work laying it out for us Evan!

    NP – Carlton Melton / Always Even

  5. |

    You’ve made some of those bands up

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