My Annual Evisceration Of Coachella
You know what sucks? WordPress. Somehow all my old posts have this weird black-triangle-question-mark ASCII character thing that has taken the place of every single punctuation mark in my posts. Like, check this out. Really? Are you kidding me? Am I supposed to go through this website page by page and just…fix all those? Or should I just delete everything and start from scratch? I mean — I wouldn’t delete everything per se — there’s plenty here that reader’s wouldn’t miss. I’ll keep the important stuff, you know, like my rants about women and The Arcade Fire and LOST. I’m just going to delete the insignificant posts, like all the Top Tens, mix tapes, food reviews, beer reviews, travel and concert photography…You know, the stuff no one ever seemed to care about.
I was talking to someone the other night about Coachella. They were mentioning how exciting it was going to be this year to go out to Palm Springs, maybe rent a house or camp out, and see all the bands perform. I asked who was the most alluring act because, honestly, I haven’t looked at the lineup yet. This person — a die-hard music fan and something of an aficionado — told me they had no idea who was playing besides the headliners. AC/DC, Jack White, and Drake. Neither of them were of any interest to the ticket holder. So, I asked, why the hell would you buy a ticket? The response was, “For the experience,” which is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. 3 days in the desert with a bunch of hipsters listening to shitty music doesn’t sound like an experience worth paying for, at least to me. When I got home that night I looked at the lineup and, holy shit, is this the worst year ever for Coachella? Let’s check.
Friday April 10 & 17:
AC/DC – Is Phil Rudd going to be there, in spite of his murder-for-hire and drug arrests? No? Then basically you’re watching Angus and a bunch of guys from the ’80s version of AC/DC play what will likely include WAY too many songs from the band’s newest album Rock Or Bust. And since the official album tour starts a couple weeks after Coachella, there’s no reason to think the band won’t spend those two weekends honing their new material in a live setting. Which means less old tunes. And no Malcolm. And no Phil. But at least Cliff Williams will be there. Phew.
Tame Impala, Interpol, Steely Dan – Ok, time out. Steely Dan? STEELY DAN? A HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What’s next? Hall And Oates? Michael McDonald? Ned Doheny? Kenny Loggins? Toto? Are you kidding me? This has to be the most inane choice for a Coachella lineup ever. I’m sorry. It’s just too much. Steely Dan at Coachella. Holy shit.
Alesso, Alabama Shakes, Nero, Ride – Very cool that Ride is playing again. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to go to Coachella at least I could say that I was going to see Ride perform for the first time in…what, almost 20 years? The thing is, though, they’re going to tour North America this summer. So why would I go to Coachella to see a shortened set when I can wait — pay a lot less — and see them in LA or somewhere nearby a month or two later. Hell, maybe they’ll do what Spiritualized did and play Vegas in between weekends.
Azealia Banks, Flying Lotus, Raekwon & Ghostface Killah, Lykke Li, DJ Snake, Porter Robinson, Caribou – It might be cool to see Raekwon and Ghostface but I’ve been to enough Hip Hop shows to know they’re usually kind of lame compared to sitting at home listening to the records. I’d love to see Lykee Li but she’s never struck me as an exciting outdoor festival act. Again, she played the Paladium within the past year and I think she lives in LA now. I don’t have to go to Coachella to see her.
Todd Terje and the Olsens, Angus & Julia Stone, Hot Natured, George Ezra, Squarepusher, Kimbra, Kiesza, Action Bronson, Gorgon City, Reverend Horton Heat, Sylvan Esso, Vic Mensa, Erol Alkan, Kele, Cloud Nothings, Keys N Krates, MK, Charles Bradley, Pete Tong, Ab-Soul, Haerts, Eagulls, Allah-Las, Alvin Risk, Chris Malinchak, Jon Hopkins, Oliver Heldens, Ruen Brothers, Jason Bentley, Ryan Hemsworth, Brant Bjork and the Low Desert Punk Band, Marques Wyatt, The Ghost Of A Saber Tooth Tiger, Los Rakas – I can tell you I know exactly three of those artists. I went on a couple dates in college with a girl who liked Squarepusher. Action Bronson is that fat rapper from New York, right? And Reverend Horton Heat…I’ve heard of. Would I ever go out of my way to see any of those three? No, no I would not. And I haven’t heard of any of the rest of the artists, which makes up exactly of the 31 of the 49 bands scheduled to play on Friday. And that’s just the band I haven’t heard of. I have no interest in seeing Tame Impala or Caribou or any of that shit. I’d like to see Ride, and I’d like to see Lykke Li. That’s it.
Saturday April 11 & 18
Jack White, The Weeknd, Axwell ^ Ingrosso, alt-J, Belle and Sebastian, Ratatat, Hozier – Not only haven’t I heard of four of the proverbial “main acts” performing on Saturday, I think the idea of Belle and Sebastian playing outdoors in the desert sun is more akin to a UCB sketch than an actual honest-to-goodness festival billing. Can you imagine all the dandy fops fainting in the afternoon heat to the fey sounds of the wussiest band to ever perform at Coachella? I sure can. Jack White as a headliner is kind of a joke at this point. With that kind of budget, you really want to make such a “safe” bet and have him headline the biggest night of the weekend? I’d be pissed if I bought a ticket and of the three headliners the one giving tip-top billing was Jack White.
Flosstradamus, Bad Religion, SBTRKT, FKA twigs, Tyler The Creator, Father John Misty, The War On Drugs, Deorro, Run The Jewels, Tycho, Chet Faker, Kasabian, Drive Like Jehu, Swans – First of all, if you’re going to book Run The Jewels, at least make THEM a headliner and not Jack White, since they had the consensus “album of the year” according to all the mongoloid online “journalists” who only read each other’s ‘zines and can’t think for themselves. Swans would be cool to see but I saw them at the Roxy a few months ago and it there’s no comparing seeing Swans at the Roxy to seeing them with 20,000 assholes outdoors at a shit festival.
Clean Bandit, Glass Animals, Royal Blood, Alison Wonderland, the Gaslamp Killer Experience, Loco Dice, Danny Tenaglia, ANTEMASQUE, Parquet Courts, Gramatik, Lights, What So Not, Yellow Claw, DJ Harvey, Tale Of Us, Yelle, Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness, Carl Craig, Phox, St. Paul and the Broken Bones, Cashmere Cat, Nortec Collective Presents Bostich + Fussible – Wait a minute, is that really the name of an artist? Or is this another sign we’re heading towards a Saturday night headlining set from KIA MOTORS KIA SPECTRA PRESENTS THE BLACK KEYS. Most of these artists I have not heard of before, but I’m a little jealous I didn’t come up with DJ Harvey before someone else adopted it as their handle. That one’s almost as good as DJ Tanner.
Tourist, Benjamin Booker, Matthew Koma, Perfume Genius, Jamestown Revival, Bad Suns, Bixel Boys, Andrea Oliva, Ryn Weaver, Radkey, Coasts, Until The Ribbon Breaks – Never heard of any of these folks. Sorry Saturday, you lose. The only band I’d want to see is Swans, and I just saw ’em at the Roxy.
Sunday April 12 & 19
Drake, Florence and the Machine, Kaskade, Ryan Adams, David Guetta, St. Vincent – No interest in any of the top billed artists on Sunday. At all. Maybe if Ryan Adams announced he was going to play Heartbreaker from start to finish it would pique my interest, but he’s not going to, and even if he was I wouldn’t go, so it makes no difference. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m admitting to liking Heartbreaker because I have literally nothing else to say about any of these other talentless hacks.
Marina and the Diamonds, Fitz and the Tantrums – Is anyone else noticing a theme here? Ok, just checking.
Brand New, Madeon, Stromae, Kygo, ODESZA, Gesaffelstein, RAC, Lil B – Ah, Lil B. I can always count on you to brighten my day. Unfortunately, seeing Lil B doesn’t make up for all the other insufferable acts on Sunday.
Circa Survive, Jenny Lewis, Desaparacidos, Jamie xx, Martin Solveig, Duke Dumont, Panda Bear, Mac Demarco, Vance Joy, Built To Spill, JES+S, Kaytranada, R3hab, St. Lucia, Dirty South, Guy Gerber, OFF!, Philip Selway, Cedric Gervais, Claude VonStroke, Touche Amore, Joyce Manor, Angel Olssen, John Talabot, Sturgill Simpson, Tiger and Woods, Dubfire, Ben Klock, Annie Mac, Chicano Batman, M0, Sloan, Doc Martin, Saint Motel, The Orwells, The Cribs, tINI, Night Terrors Of 1927 – Yeah…wow. People are really going to pay to see this, huh? Other than Built To Spill and OFF! I don’t even think I’ve heard any of these artists. Although, I think it’d be cool if Doc Martin himself showed up (is he dead?) to teach all the kids about how he makes their overpriced boots. I get that you leave the weakest acts for Sunday because everyone just wants to beat the traffic rush and head home early, but this is embarrassing even by Sunday Coachella standards.
And there you have it. Are you planning on attending? Leave a comment telling me WHY, because for the love of God I can’t imagine why anyone would pay for this shit. Is it the drugs? Is that it? I mean, this is LA. You don’t have to go camping in the desert for the weekend just to score good drugs. That’s what after-hours bars are for, right?
Of – The Uglich Bell [MP3]
Leave a Comment