The Top Ten Halloween Costumes Ideas For 2016
I feel like I haven’t composed a Top Ten list for quite some time. Ever since I gave up on a regular posting schedule my list production has faltered. If my current work/social calendar holds I should have time to post weekly Top Ten lists throughout the month of December. You know, like in the old days. The best deaths of the year, the best beers, and the best albums. I was hoping to start highlighting the top 10 records of the year starting in mid-October with weekly posts dedicated to deeper explorations of my top ten, but if my listening habits change or I discover something new between now and late December I’ll feel dumb for having started so early.
For years I’ve enjoyed posting a list of ten absurd Halloween costume ideas. Here’s a glimpse back at some of my older lists:
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2013
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2012
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2011
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2010
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2009
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2008
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2007
- The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2006
- The Top Ten Halloween Costumes Evan Has Worn (2005)
And since I haven’t written one of these in a couple years now is as good as ever to re-start the tradition. Here we go!
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2016
Honorable mention: Ken Bone – I know our 24-hour news cycle has already chewed up and spit out poor Ken Bone, but he’s still a solid option for a 2016 Halloween costume. Let’s face it, everyone loves a timely costume. Plus, all you need is a red cable-knit sweater and khakis. You know how much I love costumes that require very little effort. So I’m willing to give Ken Bone and his blemished Reddit history of enjoying Jennifer Lawrence’s butthole and looking at pregnant women in bikinis a pass. If asked to choose between a costume that lends itself to countless bone-related jokes one can make at party, and a costume that doesn’t? I’ll take the costume that allows you to proclaim “Make America Bone Again” or ask someone if they “Wanna come back to the Bone Zone?”
10. The Man In Black – No, that’s not a LOST reference. This is a Westworld reference. While everyone else at your party is going to dress up as Luke Cage or Daredevil or whatever Jeffrey Tambor’s character’s name is on Transparent, you’re going to go dark. Pitch black, dark. Ed Harris’ character on Westworld is the most evil bastard on TV right now and if you don’t relish the opportunity to harness his horribleness for one night, well…you’re probably a nicer man than I am. Bonus points if you correct every person you talk to by saying you’re Yul Brynner’s character from the film.
09. Dustin Henderson – You know, the gap-toothed, lisping kid from Stranger Thing? The “Chunk” of…whatever this generation is called? Yeah, him. Baseball cap, ringer t-shirt, and hoodie. Sounds like the most simplistic costume ever, but in reality you’re probably wearing the same thing you’d wear on a day off from work. The most important element is the hat – it’s his most recognizable trait – so don’t fuck that part up. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. If your a girl, you can’t go wrong with a Barb costume. Whatever you do, don’t go full Winona Ryder. You can’t pretend to be that crazy.
08. Donald Trump & A Cat – This is the perfect couples costume for 2016 because it allows your girl to dress up as a “sexy” cat (which she was likely to do anyway) while allowing you to get away with making all kinds of uncouth remarks at your Halloween party. Hey, I don’t like the guy any more than you do, but if he’s going to exploit the political process for personal gain why can’t we exploit his existence for our own gains?
07. Lilly King – Ladies, this one is for you (unless you’re a dude who enjoys the idea of wearing a one-piece bathing suit all night). Purely from the perspective of someone who might be going to a house party with a beer pong tournament this is a no-brainer. You’ve got free reign to finger wag anyone at any time, all night long. Also, super easy costume. I mean…what kind of savage doesn’t own a bathing suit?
06. Sexy Harambe – I mean, that pretty much says it all, right? I mean, you could go Dead David Bowie, or Zombie Prince, or Dead Gene Wilder (as Dead Willy Wonka?) but it somehow seems “safer” to dress up as a dead animal. Also, depending on where you go…dicks out?
05. Junkie Doc Gooden – Twice in elementary school I dressed up as Doc Gooden for Halloween. Once I dressed up as Lawrence Taylor. In other words, I have a well-documented history of dressing up as drug addicts for Halloween. With the release of the ESPN 30 For 30 documentary on Doc and Daryl, there’s been a renewed interest in the two former New York Mets. Since its premiere, Doc has been in the news a few times for refusing to address whether he is still struggling with his addiction(s). So…what better time to dust off the old number 16 jersey or your vintage Mets Starter jacket and carry around a bag of blow for the night. At the very least you’ll make a ton of new friends when people constantly ask if what your holding is a prop or the real thing.
04. Wrestler Billy Corgan – The sad, aging rocker made headlines recently for bringing a lawsuit against TNA Entertainment, the professional wrestling promotion for which he is a minority owner. The idea of that guy in a unitard is too much. Sadly if you just wear a unitard and a bald cap (after putting on a few pounds) no one is going to say “Oh, you’re Billy Corgan!” Likewise, no one will know who you are if you show up at a party dressed like this. My advice? Wear a size-too-small ZERO t-shirt and bikini briefs. Your identity will not be questioned.
03. Zika Virus – Not sure how you’d dress as a virus, as its structure would be hard for most people to identify. Maybe you fashion together a mosquito costume? But then people are just going to think you’re a mosquito. Maybe if you wore your mosquito – or your Zika structure – costume and also carried around a doll with a deformed head? Ugh. I think I’ll move on to the next item on my list now.
02. The State Of Craft Beer In 2016 – See: Photo above. Your props can be either a) a lawn chair, which you typically set up in the middle of the night to hold your place in line for the can release tomorrow morning, or b) your nana, whom you bring along to releases so you can buy double the amount of cans/bottles allotted to each person in line. No matter what you have to drink at the party, you have to complain about diacetyl presence and/or possible infections due to wild yeast or bacteria. Oh, and don’t forget the most important prop of all: your cicerone certification.
01. Kanye West – Grab a giant foam finger (like this) and shove it up your ass. Complain a lot. Don’t smile. Keep a fat girl on your arm all night. Wear a plain white t-shirt and claim it costs $120. Tweet a lot of inane nonsense. Offer to contribute a verse to a conversation and ruin said conversation. You know how to make this costume work. I’ll just say I think the foam finger in the ass is the most important aspect of dressing up as Kanye.
And there you have it. I’ll be dressing up as NONE of these things, because I have an even better costume than these half-baked ideas. You’ll have to wait and see what it is…
Benoit Pioulard – A Mantle For Charon [MP3]
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