I gave myself tenÂ days.
We all have different methods of adaptingÂ to change. In the past, when theÂ sudden realignment of my world found me aching, uncertain and feeling totally alone, I allowed myself to carry my grief for unusually long periods of time. The manÂ I am now is not the same manÂ who in 2010 wrote a laughably “definitive” guide to getting over a breakup for the gals at The Frisky. And I am definitelyÂ not the same manÂ who, in the spring and summer of 2011, acted like an uncaged monsterÂ let loose on the city of Los Angeles with no regard for his friends’ safety, his bank account or his general wellbeing.
I gave myself ten days.
For tenÂ days I wallowed in depression. I marinated in it until I felt it in every cell. For ten days I let myselfÂ cryÂ whenever sad, punch and kick and scream whenever angry, and destroy my body with substances whenever scared. For ten days I gave up any hope of feelingÂ happiness or excitement. For ten days I parsed every word of every single thought of mine to its base component. I spoke incessantly to myself, and when I exhausted myself I’d tryÂ friends and family,Â calling and textingÂ until lines died, like a virus in search of a host. Maybe if I worded my thoughts the right way to the rightÂ person, suddenly everything would make sense. Maybe ifÂ I already worded it one wayÂ to myself and four friendsÂ an hour ago, I should try it againÂ but changeÂ one or two words. Maybe then everything would make sense. For ten days I sustained myself on memories (both good and bad), ideas, theories,Â and intoxicants. NoÂ sleep, noÂ food,Â no exercise. Just me and my miserable thoughts, witheringÂ and weeping, growing more frustratedÂ with each passing hour. For ten days.
Without diving headlongÂ into bullshitÂ self-help “It takes time and work!”-speak, all I will say is that I am here. I survived the lastÂ ten days. As will I the next ten. Did itÂ teach meÂ anything? No. The lesson wasÂ learned duringÂ the spring and summer of 2011. Its why the next ten days will be healthier, cleaner, more active, more social, and more jovial. We gather experiences, we feel things, we learn things about ourselves and others, and ourÂ decisions are informed by those experiences, those feelings, and theÂ knowledge we gain along the way. Go forth and learn.Â That’s pretty much all I can do.
This Will Destroy You – The World Is Our ___ [MP3]
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