Well, that was exhausting. In the best possible way, of course. In the drunkest of drunken ways. I’ve returned from my latest trip to Las Vegas a new man. Older, dumber, drunker and with about the same amount of money in my pocket. I would get into all the specifics with you, but so many hilarious things happened that would not appear funny in written form I won’t try to amuse you with them. Instead I’ll paint a portrait of the weekend with broad strokes. Be forewarned, the paintbrush I’ll be using is crusted with dry vomit and regret.
We didn’t even wait until we reached Vegas to start drinking. Roughly one mile into our voyage, on the 2 Freeway, I noted to passengers Ken, KT and Nate: “In 12 miles my car will reach the 11,000 mile mark!” Someone suggested shots. We took shots at 11,111 miles and 11,235 miles. We stopped in Baker, where Nate officially became the first gambler of the trip. No surprise there. He dropped $5 on an impossible-to-win claw game that promised stuffed animals rubber-banded to $20, $50 and $100 dollar bills. We reached Vegas by about 7 o’clock.
Thanks to one of Nate’s work hook-ups, we got an upgraded room at the Flamingo. It looked like a cross between a sex dungeon and a candy store. White vinyl headboards, pink mood lighting, frosted glass windows around the bathroom, a mini fridge to keep our beers cold, an LCD TV built into the bathroom mirror, and a beautiful view of the strip that included the Bellagio fountain and Paris’ Eiffel Tower. Ken and KT had a room on the same floor as us, but they might as well have been staying in a different resort it was such a far walk. We started pounding beers while standing in line to check in. We pounded beers in the bedroom as we waited for Ken and KT to shower and ready themselves to go out.
Our first stop of the night was the roulette table at the Flamingo, followed by O’Sheas. Once the rest of our crew arrived (Maryn, Shereen, Kellie and Jen), we moved to a room at The Cosmopolitan. Holy shit, is that place nice. I thought our room had a good view. Nate’s friend’s room at the Cosmopolitan had a terrace which was practically hovering over the Bellagio’s fountain. We had a couple beers and then one group headed to the Marquee club and another group (including myself!) hit the casinos. Where the drinks are free, and there’s no cover charge, that’s where you’ll find me. The drinks started flowing more regularly. We found a waitress at New York New York who would bring Ken, KT and I six or seven Jack & Coke’s at a time. I don’t know where the time went. We wound up eating a full-blown breakfast at 5am with eggs, bacon, potatoes, fries with gravy, and the company of a guy named Isaiah Bob. Oh, Isaiah Bob. That guy was insane. He told us to look him up on YouTube. This is what I’ve found.
Walked back to the hotel room as the sun was rising. Nate got in about 45 minutes after me, completely wasted, mumbling something about how he hated himself and lost a lot of money. I slept for about three and a half hours, until Maryn texted us to see if we wanted to join her and the girls at an all you can eat breakfast. No thanks. We stayed in our room being hungover until about 4pm, when Ken and KT and I finally walked over to Paris to eat at Le Burger Brasserie. It wasn’t that good. Ken’s salmon burger still had the plastic casing on it that they use to keep the patty formed in the freezer. Good thing he tried to cut the thing in half, otherwise he would have gotten a mouthful of grilled plastic.
Night two started….I don’t remember. But we wasted so much time in the girls’ room at the Flamingo we were starting to lose our buzz for the first time all weekend. So we went to the Cosmopolitan again and I bought everyone a round of double Jager shots, which cost me more than two bottles of Jager would have cost me at a liquor store. A few minutes later Ken, KT and I were sharing a 32 ounce margarita and crawling our way to Mandalay Bay. Then we drank even more and crawled our way back. I hit a hot streak at Excalibur and won about $300 playing Blackjack. We got caught in a stampede at the Luxor because Snooki was there. We wound up at America in New York New York at 4am so Ken and KT could eat another disgusting breakfast: an egg burrito with fries and gravy and an order of mac and cheese. I didn’t eat, because Nate had promised he’d meet me at 5 for breakfast. He called at 5, I waited a half hour, he couldn’t get a cab, so I met him at O’Sheas for a final drink at about 6 in the morning. I walked back to our hotel room (Nate was still playing poker when I left an hour later) and requested a late check-out for that morning and was denied. I would have told Nate, but his phone was dead. He got back to the room at about 9, and I was awakened by the maid an hour later at 10. Unable to get back to sleep — and eerily content to only sleep for three and a half hours for the second night in a row — I decided to wake up and start the check-out process. Ken and KT came to our room at noon and we left to get breakfast. We bumped into Maryn, Kellie, Shireen and Jen. They showed us pictures and video of the pick-up artist Mystery they were hanging out with the night before. And then we found out what was in store for us before I drive back to LA.
Have you ever heard of a TV show called Toddlers & Tiaras? According to Wikipedia it’s a show that “follows the controversial world of child beauty pageants, looking closely at the pageant contestants and their families as the children prepare for their pageant shows.” Well, my friends, I went to a taping of that show. Which I guess is to say I went to a child beauty pageant. And Nate and I brought a cooler of beers with us.
We spent the next few hours cracking beer after beer and watching a bunch of little girls and boys in their bathing suits trying to look their best for an audience of their parents…and a bunch of steadily drunker miscreants hooting and hollering and making off-color remarks that were so vile I don’t want to repeat them here. I will now be watching this show religiously in the hopes of seeing myself on an episode. We were told by one of the crew members that we definitely appeared in a lot of background shots. Amazing.
From there we went to the Hard Rock, drank even more, and then at 6pm decided it was time to leave Las Vegas. Buzzed, excited by the day’s events, and operating on barely any sleep, we agreed that our last stop in Vegas should be Dunkin’ Donuts. KT had a $30 gift card and we spent $29 of it on breakfast sandwiches, munchkins, iced coffees, regular coffees, lattes and more. We befriended the barista, Paris, and had her join us in a photobooth for a reminder of the only Dunkin Donuts I’ve seen on the west coast since moving to LA.
So, we were all wired on coffee, it was almost 8pm, I finally felt sober enough to drive, and it was time to finally get on the road and head home. And within five minutes of driving, everyone passed out. I had nobody to talk to the entire drive home. I basically sat there forcing my eyes open. Ken was awake most of the time but we had nothing to say to each other. It was the worst five hours of the trip.
So, to recap: driving, drinking, more drinking, some gambling, no sleeping, more drinking, drinking and watching a child beauty pageant, drinking, Dunkin Donuts, home.
