Swan Fungus | Letters
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  • June 7, 2014

    Let me tell you a little story about how Michaels (the Arts & Crafts store), and specifically the framing department at the Victory Place location in Burbank, is the worst place on Earth. Our story begins on October 30th, 2013. I had just purchased two BEAUTIFUL silk-screened, limited edition of 50, hand-numbered concert posters that I wanted to display in my home. I went […]

  • January 11, 2013

    Dear Chobani, My name is Evan, and sometimes I like to stay fit and eat right. Generally speaking, this means making health-conscious decisions when choosing which products I take in as sustenance. For example, I no longer eat Yoplait yogurt because a) it contains aspartame, and b) some cups contain hair. I made the switch to Chobani in August of 2011 because I was […]

  • June 18, 2012

    I know we’ve been down this road before, but this time “goodbye” means forever. My satellite radio was a birthday gift from my ex. When I experienced my first Sirius/XM headache in May of 2010 I stuck with the service because, well, I thought it would be rude to tell my partner that I did not want to use  the gift she bought me […]

  • October 5, 2011

    Dear McDonald’s, What the fuck? No, seriously. What. The. Fuck. Nobody on this planet (except for maybe Nate or Landon) plays your annual McDopoly game with more ardor than I do. I’ve put dietary restrictions on hold for you. I’ve sacrificed my health (surely you’ve read a study or two on how unhealthy your product is?) for you. I’ve even committed crimes in your […]

  • August 17, 2011

    Sirs or Madams or What-Have-Yous, On a recent sojourn to the East Coast of these United States I happened upon a certain curio at a local watering hole. It was truly confounding! The barhelp called the drink “DUDE,” and I’ll be damned it was one of the finest vodka drinks to ever grace my palate. And until that moment I would have sworn up […]

    February 22, 2011

    I was going to post another album for download today because I’m feeling a bit off my game at the moment. I’ve been nursing a small migraine for the past 48 hours and looking at computer screens for 8 hours a day at work, then coming home and blogging isn’t helping much. But then I signed into my secondary e-mail account and I […]

    January 26, 2011

    Goodbye Red Volvo, I remember the day I first met you. Your previous owner sitting across from me at a table at the Ritz Diner in New Jersey, biting round Oxycontin tablets in half and discarding the remainders in an ashtray. You could still smoke in public in those days. You sat alone on the side of the parking lot next to the […]

    August 6, 2010

    It seems like just yesterday I was an unhappy iPhone user. My contract sucked, it was too expensive, my cellular service was as reliable as a prostitute entrusted to score drugs with my money, and the last software update to OS4 completely destroyed my phone. On good days, it took only 40-60 seconds just to open up a text message. Believe me when I […]

    June 11, 2010

    I am not used to such quick turnaround when I submit one of my letters to no one. I’m also not used to companies taking me seriously. Especially when I include statements like “My father used to tell me, “Pick your pacifier up off the ground, wash it off, and shove it back in your mouth.” I was seventeen years old at the […]

    June 9, 2010

    Fat Free? Yes. Human Hair Free? Um…No. Dear Yoplait, I am an ardent Yoplait Light fan. My supermarket has been running a 10/70 cents deal on your yogurt for months now, and every 11th morning I visit the store and stock up on new yogurts. My favorites are Key Lime Pie and Blueberry Patch. This morning — upon returning from a quick hike/run through […]