Many spoilers ahead. If you have not watched all of LOST include last night’s episode, “Recon,” you should move along. There’s nothing to see here.

I’m not above admitting that LOST is fallible. Sometimes (Kate) the people responsible for this show give us episodes (”Eggtown,” “What Kate Did,” the first act of season 3) that make me scratch my head and wonder how a program of such high quality can go so wrong. I had this feeling a few times last night as I watched “Recon.” First of all, I’m growing weary of the sideways flashes. With only 8 episodes remaining, I find myself groaning (occasionally aloud) when I hear the now-familiar sounds of that wonky jet engine which precedes each skewed glance at this “alternate reality” or “epilogue” or whatever they are. Make up your own theories. I’m beyond caring at this point.

I guess, if we are to glean anything from the sideways universe, it is that all our characters are going to come together at John Locke’s wedding. And maybe the Smoke Monster will show up, and that’s where the big war will occur. This is the best hope I have for tying in this storyline in a way that would be, you know…cool. Because they’re such a waste of time. At this point they take way too much time away from the island life. I don’t care about Sawyer eating a microwavable dinner and watching Little House On The Prairie. I want to see a longer scene between him and Widmore in the bowels of that submarine, sharing intel about the impending battle. I understand the logic behind saving important information from us in order to build up more intrigue and offer a satisfying payoff in the end, but even if that is the intent of the show’s producers, why not use this time to answer some smaller questions? If Widmore doesn’t want to answer any of the big questions, what’s to stop him from giving us an update on Eloise Hawking or Penny and Desmond? At least concluding those plotlines in passing is providing a conclusion. Having Widmore sit there and say literally nothing in what was supposed to be one of the climactic scenes of the episode was downright annoying.

Here’s the thing. We heard Widmore tell John Locke at the hospital in Tunisia “A war is coming.” So we know that Widmore has had knowledge of this conflict for (I imagine) a very long time. Now he’s stationed at Hydra island, preparing his army for battle. And apparently he expected Sawyer to saunter into his submarine so they could make a pact? Are we ever going to find out a) how he knows all this information, or b) whether he has more information — future information — that he is keeping hidden? And what was up with him teasing us with his response to Sawyer’s comment about sending a boat of mercenaries to kill everybody. If he was going to go so far as to offer a minor denial, why couldn’t he follow that up with one single sentence explaining his denial? That’s just retarded. The mystique of Charles Widmore has to be the worst tug job LOST has given viewers. No, wait. Walt. What the fuck is that all about? Still, can we get a few more lines out of Widmore, please? PLEASE?

One cool moment from last night included the conversation between MIB/Locke and Kate on the beach near where his dark army has set up camp. I defy you to conjure another thematic issue on LOST that has been discussed more than “Daddy issues.” Now we can add “Mommy issues” to that ever-expanding list of themes. Most of the analysis and critique of “Recon” I have read wonders if MIB/Locke is Aaron, or Farraday (really, Doc Jensen? That’s retarded), or Cain or Abel, this historical figure or that, so on and so forth, ad infinitum. One of the biggest questions surrounding the entity that now calls John Locke home is his name. The show has taken great strides to hide this very valuable information from us since his introduction. Even when he says, “Nice talking to you Jacob,” the response is, “Nice talking to you too.” This is going to be a major reveal when we hear it spoken for the first time. And though it would be kind of a bummer to have him revealed with a name like Cerebus or Azazel would be a major bummer, I have a hard time conjuring a person we know from the show who could possibly be revealed to be the real MIB. Aaron seems like a logical choice for those who want to make him somebody we already know, but the amount of information that would need to be unpacked in order to make it work seems too vast. I don’t like the idea of a devil or foreign angel. I definitely don’t like the idea of his being an alien. That pretty much leaves us with a real life human being…so who is he? I haven’t fully committed myself to a single theory yet. I’m wondering if maybe he is someone who exists (or has existed) in the reality presented by the sideways flashes. It would be a nice and easy solution to reconciling the two timelines if the goal of the Man In Black is to return to the universe as it exists in sideways reality. What role his character has played or will play in the sideways universe remains to be seen, but to me this feels like the most realistic option for neatly tying together the island world to the otherwise boring world we keep seeing in flashes every week.

I had fun watching Claire nearly kill Kate. It will be awesome when Kate turns around and kills Claire, too. I liked Kate (gasp!) not touching the Man In Black when he offered her his hand to help her to her feet. LOST has taken great strides to show us repeatedly the instances when castaways were touched by Jacob. Could MIB have a similar effect on those he’s touched? Bear in mind he’s touched Sawyer (by helping him descend into the numbers/names cave), Claire (he hit her in the fucking face last night, but I assume he’s touched her before…no, not in that way), and Sayid touched him (via hand on shoulder as he drove sword into his gut). Still, there was one pressing question that weighed heavily on my mind after the episode ended last night. It was a question that my little LOST party crew debated post-”Recon,” and continues to debate in our weekly e-mail chain. To paraphrase Brad Pitt’s character in the David Fincher film Se7en: “What’s in the room? WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING ROOM!?”

As I see it, everyone assumes “it” is a person, not a thing. So, let’s play LOST scientist and theorize who could be concealed behind the padlocked door in Widmore’s submarine:

- Walt! – This is a pipe dream. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. We will probably never see Walt again in a new episode of LOST. But can you imagine how insane it would be if his special powers were capable of thwarting the man in black? And maybe he’d swim from Hydra island over to main island in order to do it. You know, because Walt’s greatest moments occur when he’s soaking wet. I hate that we will never have closure with his story. LOST is one month from completing production, and we’ve been really lucky that none of the main actors died between 2004 and 2010. The greatest misfortune to befall the show was Malcolm David Kelley’s growth spurt, which rendered Walt pretty much useless. I always believed that fans would not care if they recast Walt to keep him on the show, but I guess that’s why I watch TV instead of making TV. Okay, so let’s put the odds of Walt behind behind the padlocked door at a (depressing) 200:1.

- Theresa – I know what you’re saying: who the fuck is Theresa? I had a great chuckle this morning when a perhaps braindead Doc Jensen offered his theory that the MIB is actually Daniel Farraday, and Charles Widmore is hiding Theresa Spencer on his submarine. I don’t understand this at all. In fact, I rarely understand what Jensen has to say anymore. Someone needs to remind him that he’s supposed to be analyzing and reviewing a television program, not mentally masturbating himself by making arcane literary connections between non-crucial LOST moments and canonic texts. I actually laughed aloud when I tried to imagine Widmore unlocking the door and introducing a woman who is for all intents and purposes a complete vegetable as the great weapon for defeating the Man In Black. And she’s laying there on her stretcher hooked up to various life support systems beeping and wheezing and churning. And Hurley just says, “Dude…” Odds of this happening: 10,000,000:1

- Christian Shephard – This is my current theory. The last two seasons have ended with dead body reveals. Season 4 ended with a glimpse of John Locke (aka Jeremy Benthem) resting in a coffin. Season 5 nearly concluded with Ilana dumping the body of John Locke onto the beach near the statue of Taweret. So, why can’t season six include the best dead body reveal of all? Christian fucking Shephard! How amazing would that be? We could learn that number 23 is not Jack Shephard, but Christian. If you want to borrow a lot of the biblical LOST theories involving the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ and its relation to season six, there are only two Christ-like characters that could arise on “Easter Sunday” that would make sense: John Locke and Christian Shephard. My guess is that he will be the resurrected Jacob. The lighthouse that reflected Jack’s childhood home was not meant to show Jack that Jacob was always watching him — Jacob was really watching Christian. The man Jacob wanted Hurley to help come to the island was not Widmore, it was Christian. Jack’s purpose has nothing to do with his being a candidate to replace Jacob, but to shepherd his own father to the island so that he can put an end to this game between Jacob and MIB that has gone on ab aeterno.

How would Widmore get Christian’s body? Here’s how. We know Widmore was on the island as a soldier of sorts after World War II. We know he stayed there after “The Incident,” until the day he was excommunicated by Ben. That means he had nearly 20 years to come in contact with either the spirit of Christian we’ve seen interact with John Locke, Claire, and Jack on the island, or the actual, physical dead body of Christian Shephard. And I’m willing to bet that the ancient mythological “others” on the island have some really good techniques for keeping dead bodies preserved. Nicci thinks I’m grasping at straws here, but I like this theory as much as I like Sawyer eventually killing Hurley (”Dude…”) and as much as I like a potential Jack/Locke Jacob/MIB reiteration ending. Imagine a finale where Jack and his father are the only two entities left on the island. Even the MIB would be dead. That would leave father and son all eternity to hash out their issues and form a real relationship with one another, or, at least until the next plane crash and/or boat running ashore. Eh? EH!? I like the sound of that!

Technorati Tags: Christian Shephard, lost, Man In Black, Recon, Season 6, Theories, Walt, Widmore

One of my favorite activities while driving is to stray from the beaten path and find weird nooks to explore. I often bring along my camera and MiniDisc recorder to document sights and sounds. I am particularly fond of field recordings, and while I am by no means a Nonesuch Explorer-quality anthropologist or sound archivist, I like to think that every once in a while I accidentally record something that is pretty cool. On the last cross-country drive I made (late 2007), my schedule was loose, so I brought my recording gear and decided to find some weird locations in which to record the natural sounds of the world around me.

My recording setup is really simple. I use a Sony MZ-R90 MiniDisc recorder, and a pair of Sound Professionals SP-TFB-2HT in-ear binaural microphones, which capture true fidelity sound in absolutely startling ways. Everything is caught in true stereo, so when you listen you can re-hear every detail as if you are present in the recording. Those microphones are the coolest audio-related purchase I’ve ever made. They especially make more…uh, “clandestine” recordings simple, as they look just like iPod earbuds. The mics have also held up much better than my MiniDisc recorder, which has long since died. I  had to buy a new one just to transfer these audio files. Oh well, now that I’ve got a new MD, I’m ready to return to the wilds (of LA?) and obtain new sounds.

Now, for your listening enjoyment, I’d like to present you all with a series of my field recordings. As previously stated, I’m a novice, so you might hear me scratching at my ear as the occasional insect zips past, but there are still pretty moments and brief audio gems sprinkled throughout. As the contestants on Top Chef like to say before a plebeian samples on of their a culinary creations, “Please enjoy!”

Note: For optimal effect, listen with headphones!

01. Battle Of Carthage: At A Standstill (MP3) – In Cartage, Missouri, at the site of a historic Civil War battle (Wikipedia), I stop and listen to the sounds birds, insects, and distant trains. I had tried unsuccessfully two years earlier to find this site (where the Confederacy won their first battle), but the road signs in the area are awfully tricky, and I wound up in a rail yard. This time around, two years older and  wiser, I found the area with little trouble. It was all very peaceful until some other tourists rolled up in their RV.

02. Battle Of Carthage: Creekside (MP3) – There is a small creek that runs through the area. I sat by it for a few minutes listening to more birds, trains, and the natural sounds of the creek. It was very relaxing. I would not recommend listening to this if you are currently fighting the urge to use the bathroom. The site is near a local county road, so you can still hear a few cars and trucks passing in the distance. The cutting out at the end of the track is an early sign of my MD recorder’s impending demise. Do not adjust your speakers.

03. Battle Of Carthage: Conversation With A Treasure Hunter (MP3) – As I prepare to leave the battleground, I notice a figure moving in the distance. Upon closer inspection, I realize he is waving a metal detector back and forth over the ground. I decide to strike up a conversation with him. I ask how his wand works (hey-o!), and listen excitedly as he receives a “hit” and digs up a — oh hell, I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you. Yes, I know, I know…I need to hone my interviewing skills.

04. Cherokee Trading Post: Walkin’ ‘Round (MP3) – Somewhere on the road in Oklahoma I come upon a Cherokee Trading Post which boasts a real live buffalo! Having only ever seen a buffalo way off in the distance while driving through South Dakota, I think it would be really neat to see one close-up…in captivity. I am going to be stopping for a few minutes anyway, so I take the recorder/microphones and walk around the trading post, trying to sidle up to people mid-conversation. At one point I accidentally bump into a wind chime display and nearly knock the thing over. That part sounds amazing.

05. The Storm Outside Amarillo, Texas (MP3) – There is a horrible thunderstorm moving through the Texas panhandle, and it will leave a soggy mess in its wake. Driving into town, whatever local talk station I am listening to suddenly switches to an all-points weather bulletin, which is somehow prerecorded. The sky is a putrid yellow/green. Everything the voices say seems cheery until the male voice begins the hazardous weather outlook. I do not encounter any hail. The following morning, as I make my way out of town, I stop to visit Cadillac Ranch. Oh man, if you’re ever given the option of walking across a farm that has just taken a beating from a thunderstorm, pass on the opportunity. Trudging through the mud to those awesomely spray-painted cars is like skating across a rink of cow shit. In hindsight, I wish I would have remembered to record the cows, because they followed me wherever I walked. Alas, I was up to my ankles in their feces so I was selfishly trying not to fall and ruin my clothes and personal belongings.

06. Train Yard: Tucumcari, New Mexico (MP3) – Switching over from I-40W (or any major highway) to Route 66 is always a good plan, if only because half of the towns you pass through look like Dresden (after the bombing, duh). I could share an entire book’s worth of photographs detailing dilapidated buildings, ransacked homes, and empty streets. Tucumcari is a veritable ghost town. I drive to a local rail yard (Southern Pacific Train Depot) and sit on the hood of my car for a few minutes, hoping to hear something other than the cars zooming past on I-40, but oh well. The trains move slowly and my short attention span forces me to move before one arrives.

07. Deserted Main Street: Tucumcari (MP3) – It seemed like every business on this street is boarded up or shuttered or padlocked. I don’t think I am there on a Sunday, which would be the only rational explanation for why I don’t encounter a single other soul during my brief stay in Tucumcari. I stand in front of the Federal Building, around the corner from the Masonic Temple, and I think maybe one car passes me. The other sounds are all bleeding through from the highway. A sad aside: apparently one month after I was standing beneath it, a fire burned the Federal Building and the Princess Theater. You can read all about it on the town’s Wikipedia page if you so desire.

08. Empty Lot: Santa Rosa, New Mexico (MP3) – For this one, my notes say “I found an empty lot and recorded more audio,” so I don’t know precisely the origins of this one. Santa Rosa, New Mexico is another town situated on Historic Route 66. It’s where the epic train scene from John Ford’s (via John Steinbeck) The Grapes Of Wrath was filmed. While there, I venture further off the path to find the Santa Rosa Dam and Lake. I never quite locate Blue Hole (a sinkhole formed in the limestone bedrock that filled with water and became a popular dive destination), but I do find some good, albeit windy, places to capture natural sounds.

09. Wind, Water, Distant Voices: Santa Rosa (MP3) – Sitting on the shore of the lake, I am treated to the sounds of the water, a whole lot of wind whipping around me, and — off in the distance — a father and son chatting with one another. Someday, someone might slow this track down and add a load of reverb to create an epic oceanic-drone piece in the vein of Aidan Baker or Troum. Until then, if you’ve ever been frustrated while talking to someone on a cell phone when it is windy, you’ll hate this masterpiece of modern field recording.

10. Father Son Fishing: Santa Rosa (MP3) – The title says it all, really. The father and his son are standing on an old dock fishing together. The son says, “I wish some fish would come out,” and then you can sort of hear them casting their lines into the lake. The father offers some advice to his son, and all the while I’m standing there like a creepy pervert with a pair of headphones in his ears. I’m happy they didn’t take notice of me. They just kept on with their conversation and their fishing, while the weirdo with the headphones stood at the edge of the dock listening to everything they said. Wouldn’t David Fanshawe or David W. Ames be proud? (Answer: No, they’d be utterly embarrassed by my ineptitude).

11. The Rickety Dock, The Sad End: Santa Rosa (MP3) – Alas, with my trip coming to an end (in less than twenty-four hours I’d be in Los Angeles), my last recording of this trip captures me, the lone traveler, sitting on my own rickety dock, contemplating the sad end of my trip. You can almost hear me wishing that I had more time to see more, hear more and learn more. In a moment of pure brilliance, I could have run off to the Mazatec Mountains and recorded some ancient mushroom ceremonies like Gordon and Valentine Wasson. Instead, I took the easy way out and continued on to California. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Listening back to these brief snippets of my past has once again filled me with that urge to move. If I didn’t have a job right now the urge to walk out the front door and disappear for a few weeks might just overtake me and force me to do something impulsive. It has happened before. I hope I don’t have to wait too long for it to happen again. I look forward to it, and when the time comes I will embrace it. For now though, I have to fight the urge just a little bit longer.

Feel free to share your own weird tales of solo travels in the comments section. If you’ve dabbled in the fine art of field recording (and haven’t massacred it like I have), please share your own recordings or clips. If we can’t be out on the road right now, at the very least we can live vicariously through one another.

Technorati Tags: Amarillo, Battle Of Carthage, Cadillac Ranch, Cross-Country, Field Recording, Nature Sounds, Route 66, Santa Rosa, Tucumcari

“Mr. Web browser, The Presdient Of The…blog…thingy.”

“My fellow readers. It’s hard to believe that after five years of loyal service, you all continue to elect me leader of this website. I might not have any competition, but the unanimous victories still mean a lot to me. Think about it…five years. What were you doing five years ago? Do you want to know what I was doing five years ago? I’ll tell you, because this is my introductory paragraph and I’m not sure what else I can say to greet you tonight. Five years ago I was getting really high and playing MVP Baseball for Nintendo GameCube. Between that, playing guitar, and going to class once or twice a week, my days were beginning to feel like a most torturous, pathetic routine. That’s when I decided to start a blog. And though my thumbs were caloused from video game controllers, and my head filled with dead brain cells, I started writing. This ingenious decision of mine is why we’re gathered here today. We’re also here to masturbate my ego, but mostly we’re here to celebrate five years of annoying rants peppered with the occasional intelligent thought. Last year I stood before you and promised to reach new lows for Internet-based journalism. I promised 2009 would be the start of something really, really big. In some ways, I was right. In some other, more accurate ways, I was wrong.”

[standing ovation]

“Last year Swan Fungus was visited roughly 800 times per day. Over the past 365 days, that number has swelled to 1,029 per day. That might not seem like a lot, but when you take into account the fact that I’m not really doing or saying anything, that number begins to sound frighteningly large. Over 250,000 people visited this page since the last State Of The Blog Address. That’s higher than the population of Nassau, the largest city of the Bahamas. The Swan Fungus Alexa ranking has improved from 614,397 up to 562,848. That means I’m almost one of the half-million most visited websites on the entire Internet. Within the United States, Swan Fungus is the 367,480th most-visited website. The Quantcast rating improved from 269,279 to 194,493. That’s right, I have obliterated both of the targets I specified last March: womenintrucking.org and robertrandolph.net. Within the next 365 days I expect to overtake both kickassbbq.com and itzablackthang.com! Technorati, which last year showed Swan Fungus cracking the top 100,000 blogs in the world, has been very kind to us this year. We currently rank 27,454! By next year we will absolutely crack the top 15,000.

“Don’t you even begin to question whether or not Swan Fungus is still relevant. Swan Fungus blog posts are still being syndicated by large news organizations across the country. I don’t quite understand why, but just last week The Chicago Sun Times shared my RENT review with their online audience. Honestly? Your guess is as good as mine. Referral traffic from both Facebook and Twitter increased exponentially this year. When the hottest social networking websites in existence are contributing to the expansion of the Swan Fungus empire, it’s hard to deny the state of our blog.”

[standing ovation]

“Last year I made some big promises. I swore to continue Treasures From The Collectors Slum, and by doing so I’ve helped provide some incredibly rare, hard to find music to you. Friday Top Ten lists have not died, though they’re not as funny anymore. Interviews were conducted with Rebekah Weikel (Penny-Ante), Barbra Ann McMillan (Anna Black), Jose “Pepe” Gomez (Chango), Bob L. Sturm, Christopher Mosley (Early Lines/Nouns Group), William Fowler Collins, MassDIPPAH and Paul Levinson. Guest Writers in 2009 included my girlfriend, Jet, kT Evans, Z, Marika, “Burrito Esquire”, and Jon! 2010 will bring even more new perspectives to the blog, as I search for more guest writers to share their opinions with my readers.

“2010 is going to be crazier than you could possibly imagine. There will be more Interviews with bigger names. Weekly Polls and contests will reward registered Swan Fungus readers with cool prizes. I will fuck Gail Simmons in the ass. I swear to God, I will fuck her in her ass. LOST ends in May, so anticipate regular reviews to continue until that time. There will be much more bile heaved upon those disgusting “indie” icons the mainstream so adores. Big, big travel plans are slowly forming. Hell, there could very well be a first ever Swan Fungus social gathering this year. Most of all, you can anticipate many new antics that should enable Swan Fungus to ascend to the next level of online popularity. 2010 is going to be the best and brightest year yet. I have no doubts about that. The State Of The Blog is strong my friends. Do not worry, the end of the blog will not come. As long as I’m poor and as long as I’m still breathing, I will do my best to make you laugh or cry or cringe. Also, I need to find a way to make this thing profitable.

“Lastly, I want to thank Seth Zirin, Stephen Carter and Louise Altmann for your generous donations this year. And to everybody who supports this website by commenting, e-mailing me or stalking me on Facebook, thank you so much for your kindness and your hatred. You are why I still try to post every day. I mean, if I didn’t post every day I think my neuroses and lewd thoughts might drive me insane or lead to some kind of criminal action. Sometimes it feels like our country and our world are on the brink of complete collapse, be it from social forces, natural disasters, or whatever. If I can take your mind off being in the shit for a few minutes and present you with something that’s funny and horrifying, it helps me feel accomplished and important. No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on me to lead you into a fiery horrible abyss. You will follow me, genitals in hand, because you have nothing better to do. I love you all and I promise not to disappoint in 2010. Once again I must repeat: the state of the blog is strong! Stay tuned.”

Feel free to leave any comments about tonight’s address or predictions for 2010 below, in what I’m temporarily calling “Spin Alley.”

Technorati Tags: Alexa, Google Analytics, Internet, Quantcast, state of the blog, State Of The Union, Swan Fungus, Technorati

RULES for uninitiated noobs: With roughly 100MB of webspace, I give birth to a weekly Mix Tape to be deposited on your iPods or Zunes or Kingklangs or whatever the industry is currently pushing on you. Sometimes there will be themes that link all the songs together, other times I’ll just throw songs at a wall (not literally) and see what sticks. I can’t get in depth about who each artist is and why I chose these songs, because I have to put my suit on in preparation of my speaking engagement in an hour. The goal of this endeavor, as always, is to pique your interest in these artists so you’ll support the artists and buy their albums.

Sunday Mix Tape – Number 178
The One Before The State Of The Blog Address

Tracklist:
01. Michael Fitzgerald – Brand New Day
02. Chris Bell – Better Save Yourself
03. Up-Tight – I’m Just A Dreamer
04. Link Wray – Jailhouse Rock
05. Elliott Smith – The Last Hour
06. Woodsman – Shutterlag
07. Grey Daturas – My Sciatica
08. Sunburned Hand Of The Man – Action Figure
09. Black To Comm – Void
10. Nightshadow – I Can’t Believe
11. Susan Christie – No One Can Hear You Cry
12. Rudimentary Peni – Blissful Myth
13. Erdenklang – Erdung
14. Red Sparrows – Millions Starved Became Skinnier And Skinnier While Our Leaders Became Fatter And Fatter
15. Agalloch – Falling Snow

Technorati Tags: Agalloch, Chris Bell, Download, Elliott Smith, Link Wray, MP3, Rudimentary Peni, sunday mix tape, Susan Christie

Has it already been over a month since I shared Jerry Solomon’s lost cult-classic Past The 20th Century? Well, the fine folks over at Imaginary Landscape have blown my mind now for a second time by sharing yet another Solomon album. This one is 1973’s Through The Woods. I’m not sure if this one was already released on the private label Fountain Records, but then again I’ve yet to see a single mention of the album online that ties it to any record label. So, who knows!?

This one opens with a long drone, one of three such tracks titled “Creation.” The songs on this album do not feature the plinky little toy piano and one note guitar, but solo voice with a sustained accordion or mellotron. There is the occasional strummed guitar and distant backing vocal, but for the most part it’s drone, Thorazine, and space. Whereas Past The 20th Century found Solomon pining for days of yore and a return to more peaceful, conservative times, Through The Woods is the sound of a man who might be losing his grip on reality. It’s hard to tell when he is speaking English and when he is babbling nonsense syllables. There is a creepiness to these songs, an unsettling sense of emotional pain that cannot be described accurately in words. It is dark, and it is mad. I would love more than anything to know what happened to Jerry between 1971 and 1973 that led to the recording of this album. I would love to find out what it all means. I am stunned and intrigued and scared at the same time. I guess that’s what makes treasures like Through The Woods so wonderful. The reality and the harshness and the inspiration here is way more evocative and compelling than anything new I’ve heard in ages.

The recording quality is not great, but then again I dare you to even find a Jerry Solomon record.

Jerry Solomon
Through The Woods
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Creation I
02. There Is A Light Just Over The Hilltop
03. Through The Woods
04. Teen Love
05. Creation II
06. Creation III
07. Mi a Elttil Yob
08. Lady
09. Oh
10. Once Upon A Time

Technorati Tags: Download, Jerry Solomon, MP3, Past the 20th Century, Through The Woods

So, yeah. Some of you have been reading this website for five years now. You might be aware of my top ten lists. I write a new one pretty much every Friday. I’ve been doing this pretty much since the week I started blogging. I think the first one was called “The Ten Steps For Bedding A Hilton Sister.” The most recent list was called “The Top Ten Theme Party Ideas.” I’ve come a long way since 2005, and now I’m getting to the point where it’s a challenge to think of a funny list on my own. Thankfully, Jack sent me an off-the-cuff e-mail this week pointing me to a bunch of related-but-unrelated blogs, and it seemed like great fodder for a top ten list. If you don’t like this week’s installment, blame Jack.

The Top Ten Levines Who Blog

My name is Evan LeVine. These people spell our last name Levine because they are not as refined as I. They are but serfs, and I am their lord. That is why my ancestors chose to arbitrarily capitalize a consonant in the middle of our surname. It was more…regal. Still, I feel some sense of kinship with those unattractive, pitiful Levines running around the Internet trying to make a name for themselves. Especially the Jew-for-Jesus musician with whom I share a name (Google it, you’ll see what I mean). Here’s my attempt at understanding the puny minds of ten other people who share a variation of my family name and who also blog.

10. Jenny Levine – “The Shifted Librarian” – I don’t understand how this is a blog. I see a lot of Twitter feeds and blog posts by people who aren’t even named Levine. Is this someone’s idea of a cybernetic various artist compilation consisting of blog posts by random strangers? I want to read the thoughts of Jenny Levine, not the collected thoughts of some people she discovered on the Internet. This is a bad, bad idea for a website. It’s dumb, it’s impossible for me to nagivate, and what’s more — I don’t even care enough to try and learn how. Boo to you, Miss Jenny. Boo!

09. Peter Levine – “Peter Levine” – Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — cast aspersions on this fellow just because his header image screams “Gay History Professor”. Peter Levine is none of those things. In fact, if you read this published author’s website, you will learn that he not only cares about politics but also literature. This doesn’t sound to me like someone who wants to kick ass and call preening indie rockers “fags.” This sounds like someone who wants to fix the schools. Peter Levine, you’re dead to me.

08. Steve LeVine – “The Oil And The Glory” – Theoretically I should love this guy. He spells his name just like I do. Except for the fact that his first name is spelled S-t-e-v-e and mine is spelled E-v-a-n. Instead, I kind of hate him. His most recent blog post is a book review about a KGB book about poisonings and assassinations. First of all, who the hell cares about the KGB in 2010? Aren’t they about as relevant as Oasis is in this modern era? I don’t know, I skimmed a few other posts and it looks like all this guy does is copy news stories from other sources and then write his own abstracts before copying and pasting the full text into his blog. Isn’t that cheating? I mean, I do that once or twice a week with my album downloads but whether or not I explicitly write something about how cool the album is, or if someone else does it, that’s not going to be the difference between your choosing to download it or not. You’re going to download it because it’s free and it’s right here. You could care less what I have to say about an album. So why should I bother putting in the effort. Wait a minute, maybe I have more in common with Steve LeVine than I thought!

07. Ken Levine – “By Ken Levine” – Anyone who still uses Blogger is kind of a loser. Especially in light of the sweeping reform that targeted music bloggers in recent months. Blogger deleted entire accounts due to copyright infringement that wasn’t actually infringement. The blogs were simply posting materials they were offered by labels and PR firms. If you choose to use Blogger as your blog hosting service, you’re basically saying you don’t care about basic human rights as they related to disseminating information and intellectual property on the Internet. I mean — is there a more obvious, easy to understand concept than  what constitutes a blogger being guilty of copyright infringement? The answer is “No.” None of us are guilty, we’re offering free promotion and creating potential revenue streams that wouldn’t otherwise exist. Ken Levine blogs about shitty television shows.

06. Shira Levine – “Blog Posts By Shira Levine” – When I hear the name Shira Levine the image that comes to mind is that of an olive-skinned, raven haired, filthy cum-slut with a barely-too-big nose and long, expensive fake nails. I guess I’m thinking of a girl I might have gone to high school with who wouldn’t give me a blow job in the woods adjacent to school property. I could care less about how she blogs, I’d rather sit here and curse all the dumb Jewish girls I went to high school with that wouldn’t suck my dick. If you must know, her blog consists of little blurbs about pop culture stuff. Typical shit only a self-absorbed Jewish girl would find interesting.

05. Alan Levine – “Alan Levine’s space for barking about and playing with technology” – Alan’s already done a fine job of explaining exactly what his website is, so I don’t feel I have to expand further. Could you imagine if I called Swan Fungus “Evan LeVine’s space for barking about stupid indie rockers, LOST, embarrassing dating stories, baseball, beer, how much I hate Bono, stupid record nerd fetishes, concerts, travel stories, annoying letters to multi-national corporations, world news and fancy foods”? I would expect you all to beat the shit out of me for being such a dork. The only thing I’ll say about Alan’s website is that as a first time visitor I wondered whether or not Alan was a dog, or if he was trying to write from the perspective of a dog. I really don’t get the dog imagery.

04. Leslie Levine – “Leslie Levine | Business solutions from AllBusiness.com” – Uh, last I checked, “women” and “business” went together like “Africans” and “voting”. It’s just un-American. Oh well, for the sake of being not sexist I’ll state that Leslie is a fine blogger and probably a very professional lady. I bet she wears a lot of pant suits and shoulder pads. She probably chain smokes and wears bad perfume. She uses a lot of hair spray. I’d eat shit if she drives a Toyota. Leslie strikes as more of a BMW or Benz lady. She’s also probably a dyke. Aren’t all female businessmen dykes?

03. Judith Levine – “Judith’s Blog | Judith Levine | What’s New” – I’m not really sure you can call this a blog. Her most recent entry just says, “Martha Coakley is a leading light among sex-crimes witch-hunters. Why do her liberal supporters keep this record under wraps?” I’m thinking about making tomorrow’s blog post read, “Judith Levine is a female blogger writing very short blog posts. What is she hiding by not responding to allegations that as a liberal feminist she may have raped and murdered a guy in 1990?”

02. Becky Levine – “Becky Levine” – Okay, I don’t know this bitch writes about, but I’m starting to think that maybe she’s the most popular Levine on the Internet because her posts elicit far more comments than mine do. Maybe I’m not being honest enough about how much I hate things and people. That’s the only way I can think of to make more people leave comments. Surely they won’t flock to this website if I write meaningful and insightful posts. Just like “Field of Dreams,” my motto has always been, “If you slag on it, they will come.”

01. Irine Levine – “The Friendship Blog” – I’m not really sure what the point of Irine’s blog is. I mean, she describes it as a place to “[explore] the nature, meaning, and depth of female friendships,” but it seems so much more painful to read than that. So much so, I’d rather not even begin to read an entry. I’ll let you do that. Also, it’s getting really late and I have things to do in the morning. I have a life you know. No, really…I swear. I have a life. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT!? I’M TELLING THE TRUTH!

Technorati Tags: Bloggers, Levine, Top Ten List

It took over two years, but I finally got a meal at LA’s infamous Osteria Mozza tonight. It took my mom coming to town and footing the bill (thanks, ma!), and it was everything I had hoped it would be. By far the single best meal I’ve consumed since moving to the west coast, I cannot sing more praise than what I am about to bestow upon this joint. Before I begin, I should just state that the one negative aspect of the meal was our waiter. I don’t know if his apparent smugness/rudeness was a byproduct of how he was raised, or if it was as simple as him not liking my mother, Nicci and myself, but jeez, what a fucking asshole that guy was. He was attentive enough, answered some questions and even went above the call of duty to ensure we could enjoy a non-menu item, but his attitude exuded a sense of…”Oh, look at these poor people who scrounged together enough money to dine here tonight.” Not cool, dude. Even if we really are poor people who scrounged together enough money to dine there tonight.

We were informed by our waiter upon being prodded for our order that the mozzarella tasting menu (listed on the website as a daily item) was not available this evening. I asked if he then had any suggestions if we were to order two mozzarella choices a la carte, and he said he would ask the kitchen if they could make an exception and prepare the tasting plate for us. When he returned to say that they would construct a plate for us, we decided to order.

I’m sure you are aware that most Italian restaurants build their menu around a first and second plate. The first plate is typically pasta based, and the second meat based. Never having eaten at Mozza before, my mother, Nicci and I decided that we would each order one pasta plate, and then the three of us would share two meat plates. Since we are not big on eating dessert, we figured small portions or not we would be full with that amount of food. This turned out to be exactly the right choice.

At the outset of our meal we were presented with a complimentary amuse-bouche. It was a light crustini topped with mozzarella and a hint of tapenade. It made for a yummy first bite.

The mozzarella tasting plate consisted of three cheeses: smoked bufala, bufala mozzarella, and burrata. It was served with three thick slice of delicious garlic bread. Mom proclaimed it the best she’s ever had, but both Nicci and I hinted that maybe she should go to the Gilroy Garlic Festival before making such a bold claim. The smoked bufala was worst of the three cheeses, but I still enjoyed it a little. The regular bufala was fantastic (Nicci preferred this one), but the burrata — served over a very light olive oil — seemed to be the clear winner of the three, as both mom and I called it the best of the lot.

Our first plates went as follows. Nicci ordered the Coach Farm Goat Cheese ravioli with five lilies (onions). It was delicious. It was sauteed with onions, leeks, butter and garlic. Very rich and tasty. Mom ordered gnocchi with duck ragu. This was the first item of the night that blew my mind. The duck was so amazing, and the gnocchi were near-perfect. It’s hard to tell if these were better than those of Angeli Cafe, but the ragu catapulted that dish into another stratosphere. I was more than happy to oblige my mom and finish what was on her plate when she claimed she was done eating. I ordered the calf brain ravioli. I’ve been reading about the dish for about as long as I’ve been hearing about Mozza, so I had to take the plunge and try it. My first impression was that the ravioli just tasted like a warm, butter-filled pasta. The brains really only add a hint of texture, a notion of something creamy and wonderful, but not much in the way of distinct flavor. Mom was more than hesitant to try it, but I forced her to eat one just so that I can pat her on the back and say, “See, you tried something new today!” Which is a statement I’ve been hearing from her for the past 26 years.

How the hell could this meal get any better? Our second plates arrived at the exact right time — not too soon after the first plates — and answered my question definitively with one simple word: Meat. We all started in on the grilled leg of lamb with fregola sarda, mint and yogurt. The lamb was a little more cooked than the medium rare the waiter promised, but when combined with the other elements on the plate it transformed itself into something unique and wonderful. Even so, it could not top the veal breast stracotto with carrots. I would be hard-pressed to remember ever tasting a more tender, succulent, amazing meat in my life. Holy shit, it was indescribable. We ordered two side dishes to share with our second plates. Polenta with parmigiano reggiano and sauteed baby broccoli with chilies and vinegar. The broccoli, brimming with garlic and acidity, was revered by everyone at the table.

As someone who has loved Italian food longer than anything else I’ve eaten (save maybe hamburgers), to find a meal so exquisite, distinct and exciting as the one offered by Osteria Mozza was a treat. I mean, yeah, for the first 25 years of my life my idea of haute Italian cuisine was a pizza with something other than extra cheese on it, or a new variety of pasta with the same old vodka bolognese or alfredo sauce. So I guess I’m not the most well-versed gourmand in the history of food critique. Still, I seem to have developed what some novice gourmands might call a “palate” sometime in the last year or two, and it’s nice to know that I am putting it to good use now. Of course I’ll always miss the days when literally all I consumed were bagels, pizza and hamburgers…but come on, I ate fucking calf brains tonight, then called a braised, slow-cooked veal breast the best piece of meat I’ve ever consumed. That has to count for something, right?

Thanks Mozza. Next up, your pizza!

Technorati Tags: Calf Brain Ravioli, Gnocchi Duck Ragu, Goat Cheese Ravioli, Grilled Leg Of Lamb, Osteria Mozza, Veal Breast Stracotto