Season 4 – The Rules Change

2-17-10 – In sports, there are meltdowns…and then there are meltdowns. There are no exceptions when it comes to Mario Kart Wii. Last evening, Tom melted down like an ice cube over an open flame. That his night did not conclude with Tom curled up in a fetal ball crying “uncle!” was a complete miracle. Three consecutive DNPs have dropped Team Tom from second place in the standings to a fourth-place tie with the beleaguered Team Ev.Ev.. Fast-rising Team Eat Me Out has crawled out of the cellar and into second place overall, just three victory points shy of Team Nate Dawg. How hot is Team Eat, you ask? Eat won 3 of 4 races last night and 5 of his last 6 over the course of the week.

In late waiver wire news, Team Ev.Ev. dropped Django (0 wins, 1 third, 3 DNPs) to make room for the team captain to return from his stint on the 15-day DL. Obama will be dropped in the lineup to 3rd from 1st to make room for captain Ev.Ev.. Also, Team Nate Dawg dropped Baby Dick in favor of Dooshchill, who won his first race of the season by a large 12-point margin.

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Ownership:

Choc. Square: Birdo (1), Ray Gilkey (1)

Eat Highway:

Eat Garden: Dickface (2), Satchmo (2)

Caden Valley: Eat Me Out (2)

Satchmo Mall:

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2-11-10 – Team Nate Dawg cannot race drunk. Three of his last four races have resulted in DNPs. The only possible reason for his sudden drop in performance has to be alcohol-related. On Tuesday Night Kart Night, Nate Dawg and Caden finished both races in last place, putting up pitiful point totals of 50 and 42 points. That’s an average of 6 points per race, or 5th place overall. Not to be outdone, team Ev.Ev. also slipped a bit on Tuesday night. Following Tod Gilkey’s masterful performance — perhaps the single best race yet this season (1st place, 106 total points) — rookie call-up Django stumbled to his third consecutive DNP, amassing just 56 points and falling off the podium to (alongside Caden) ensure the first “double DNP” of this season. Teams Tom and Eat Me Out did not race necessarily well, but by avoiding DNPs they were able to take advantage and creep closer to Team Nate Dawg in the standings. With the season nearly 1/3rd complete, just 7 points separate first from last place. Without the ability to look back at old standings, one must venture that this is the closest the teams have been in the standings since the first week of the season. If Teams Tom, Ev.Ev. and Eat Me Out can continue to successfully encourage Nat Dawg, Caden, Satchmo and Baby Dick to race while intoxicated, the races leading up to this year’s All-Star Game could make for some exciting Kart.

One aspect of Team Nate Dawg’s chaotic, disappointing kart series this week that everyone noticed was the rapid transformation Caden has made since quitting meth cold turkey. Caden has since gained 40 pounds, and is now too large to fit on his dolphin dasher. One could infer that a newer, “stronger” Caden might  use his weight to push around his opponents. It was believed that the large-and-in-charge Caden would maintain the skills that made him a two-time champion, while creating a physically imposing figure that could bully smaller racers. Instead, he just looked…well, uncoordinated. And really fat. He’s fat now. Caden is the fat guy.

In other waiver wire news, team Ev.Ev. President pro tempore Obama learned that Ev.Ev. will miss just one more start before he is cleared to rejoin the team. It is unclear at this point whether Obama will stay on the roster and someone else will be dropped, or whether he will return to his job running the American government. It’s been 3 weeks since Ev.Ev. threatened to take his own life during a routine press conference. Reports indicate he was transferred from the hospital to which he was taken following the incident to a rehabilitation facility in California. He is currently undergoing intense counseling and rehabilitation. No one on Team Ev.Ev. has had any contact with their captain since the transfer. Birdo, who visited Ev. in the days leading up to his admittance to a California rehab center said, “He didn’t look well, and yet he looked better than he did in the days before that press conference. I just hope he’s getting the help he needs. When he comes back — if he comes back — I hope he knows that his team is waiting for him. We’re going to do our best to take care of him. I’m willing to do anything to keep his mind on the track and out of the gutter.” She then winked, pointed at her snatch and stated, “The tongue brings everlasting happiness to all.”

2-03-10 – “Baby Dick is a lot like AIDS. Someday…he’s going to kill you.” Team Nate Dawg keep extending that lead over the three stooges, Tom, Ev.Ev. and Eat Me Out. The difference between first place and second place in the Wii Circuit Conference currently stands at 11 points. The difference between 2nd and 4th place is currently two points. It’s business as usual for the three-time champions, and it appears as if Nate Dawg, Caden, Satchmo and Baby Dick have solidified their shot at this year’s title already. There have been only two small bumps in the road this season: Caden’s increased agitation and inevitable methamphetamine relapse. and the terrible racing of Baby Dick. In fact, Caden is currently stuck in a drug rehab center somewhere in Arkansas. During his temporary absence, Gina (that’s Gina, as in va-gina) has been called up from the minors to take his place. Baby Dick, who nearly lost Team Nate Dawg the rights to Caden Valley last week, somehow managed a first place finish this week, sparing him from an untimely demise. That’s right, Captain Nate threatened to execute Baby Dick if he did not win his race. Other than that, there have been few snags in the road for this fearsome foursome.

On the other hand, Team Ev.Ev. continues to struggle without a captain. The President Of The United States — Obama — offered his kart services to the beleaguered squad. After a riveting inaugural speech, Obama spoke highly of his team’s chances during Ev.Ev.’s absence. Firstly, he dropped Ray Gilkey and summoned Django from the minor leagues. Ray Gilkey was inevitably claimed off waivers by Team Eat Me Out, after they placed Duckie on wavers. Obama received several roars of approval from Ev. fans everywhere when he promised to end the former team captain’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. The Rainbow Road crowd really appreciated that one. He also promised more comprehensive health insurance plans for Tod Gilkey, Django and Birdo, in the event that they too should develop any medical/psychological problems in the near future. Then he raced to a 2nd place finish in his only karting of the evening. His solid performance begs the question — if Ev.Ev. returns in two weeks as expected, where does that leave Obama…and Tod Gilkey…and Birdo…and Django? The poor guy only has three fingers. You can’t expect him to immediately spring into first place upon being called up from the minors. His two DNPs weren’t all his fault!

In other waver wire news, Team Tom dropped Chuck Norris only to replace him immediately with Luigi.

1-29-10 – “Ev. don’t do this!” came the cries from worried reporters last night as they watched an agitated Captain Ev.Ev. pull a loaded .357 magnum from his pocket in the middle of his post-game press conference. Obligatory references to the public suicide of Budd Dwyer are only natural following the emotional and dark moments that preceded Ev.Ev.’s irrational action. Luckily for fans and those in attendance last night, the grief-stricken, frazzled karter was talked out of taking his own life. Before breaking down in tears and being escorted from the press room at GBA Bowser’s Castle 3, Ev.Ev. spoke softly to those who had, moments earlier, feared he might actually shoot himself in the fucking head right in front of them, with cameras rolling and everything. “I’m sorry…I should never have taken on the burden of Tod and Ray Gilkey.” Not a word was spoken after Ev.Ev. was taken by police, presumably to a nearby psychiatric hospital. Beat writers and reporters simply gathered their belongings and left in silence. Upon relaying the news to his kart peers, Ev.’s friends and even some enemies offered support. “No one wants to see 3 DNP’s in a 4 game series. That shit won’t just break a man’s heart, it will break his spirit.” Dickface, who battled Evan in the Wii Kart Championships three years ago appeared to be the most concerned for his friendly rival. “I just hope he’s healthy and ready to go soon, the league wouldn’t be the same without him.” Other Kart drivers had different ways of lending support. “Honky acted a fool when he done draft those pasty bitch brothers,” Choclo-con stated after her first place finish helped push Team Tom ahead of Ev.Ev. in the standings. Choclo-con continued, “Tom, he crack da whip. I race.” The surprise of the night was Team Eat Me Out, who used four races to overtake third place in the standings, knocking Team Ev.Ev. all the way from second into fourth place. A horrified Owl looked paler than normal when told of the devastating news about his competitor. “He lost the Highway last night — not two days after he won it back from me. I think that’s what sent him over the edge.” Normally camera shy Rape Lord added, “Ev.Ev. gave me a shot when no one else would. He was like a father to me. He thought me how to rape…on the track.” No members of Team Ev.Ev. were available for comment last night. Ray and Tod Gilkey — both on the outs recently with their team captain — left GBA Bowser’s Castle 3 immediately following Ev.’s DNP. Teammate Birdo was seen being led from the Castle — tears streaming down her cheeks — into an unmarked car.

With the waiver period now officially underway, rosters are going to begin turning over quickly. One can only hope that Ev.Ev. regains his strength and mental fortitude. It is a long season, and there are still 88 games left on the schedule. Anything can (and probably will) happen. When someone is crowned champion a few months from now, it would be great to see Ev.Ev. there, in good spirits, racing or cheering. The league won’t be the same again until he makes a healthy return.

1-29-10 – “We broke the cherry on this bitch — now it’s time to break the back.” The mood of team Eat Me Out was decidedly different at the conclusion of Monday night’s Kart series than it appeared at the outset. Following the tragic loss of Eat Square to the dreaded Team Tom (who has since renamed the course Choc. Square, after Team Eat defector Choclo-con), the team of Eat Me Out, Owl, Duckie and Rape Lord could not have been any more desperate for good fortune. Burdened with last place in the standings and falling further from contention, it appeared as if nothing could save their season. “The original Delfino Square was a real treasure for Team Eat. That one hurts,” team captain Eat Me Out admitted shortly after he lost ownership of his second track in a week (he lost the former Moonview Highway to team Ev.Ev. just seven days ago). “To see Choc. take it…All’s I can say is that nigger has something comin’ to her.” His momentary racial slur offered a glimpse of a man at the end of his rope. With his team on the verge of complete collapse, Eat took to his trusty Dolphin Dasher for Monday’s final race. And then — a miracle. Eat fought like his career depended on it, and it paid off: for the first time in sixteen games, team Eat finished first in the standings, adding two crucial points to their season point total. Team Eat is now 5 points behind Team Tom for 3rd place in the standings. With 92 games left on the schedule, this is still anybody’s game. Also, it’s nobody’s game as far as first place is concerned. Team Nate Dawg continues to amass points. His two DNP’s and three 3rd place finishes account for less than one third of his total races so far this season. To put that in perspective, the second place team (Team Ev.Ev.) has finished in 3rd or 4th place in over 40% of the races so far this season. It’s safe to say that three teams are competing for one playoff spot this year. Who it will be depends upon a number of factors. Can Team Ev.Ev. remain more consistent than Teams Tom and Eat Me Out? Can Team Tom recapture the verve and vigor shown during week one of this season? Can Team Eat Me Out surge and sustain for more than one or two games at a time? This all remains to be seen. Until next time…

1-20-10 – There are nights that change sports history, and there are nights that change world history. As three more games were played, the realization that this is anybody’s game (except Caden’s — he’s already far ahead in first place) crept into the subconscious all those involved in the Wii Circuit. With our season 1/8th completed, the difference between 2nd and 4th place in the standings is seven measly points. Remember: only the top two finishes in the standings will compete for this season’s championship. Last night truly was an epic showdown. Owl Highway officially changed hands, as it is once again Ev.Ev. Highway for the first time in over a year. Less than a dozen races later, Satchmo became the first karter to threaten Ev.’s new ownership. Caden and Eat both successfully defended their properties in “showdown” races, clearing all previous victories on The Garden and The Valley. The previously untouchable Tom Mall, which has not once been threatened since Tom procured the rights to the high-end boutique mall nearly two years ago, was threatened twice last night, by Tod Gilkey and Satchmo. Perhaps the most important development last night was Team Eat Me Out claiming three second place finishes to pull his squad above the 0 points total for the season. Team Tom and Team Ev.Ev. both finished with DNP’s (Tom – 2, Ev. – 1), which negated a Team Ev.Ev. 1st place finish earlier in the evening. Last night was truly a “game-changer”. Now the three blind mice (Tom, Ev., Eat) simply need to find a way to defeat Team Nate Dawg, and we could have the makings of a remarkable season that would reach biblical proportions. How many books have been written about Jesus, anyway? This reporter is willing to bet that if this season unfolds the way it is beginning to look as if it might unfold…there will be more books written about the 2010 Wii Mario Kart season than there are about all of the world religions. Combined. Doubled, even.

1-11-10 “Fuck.” That was how Mario Kart Wii legend Eat Me Out responded when prodded by journalists last night to respond to allegations that he is “over the hill,” and “can’t draft for shit.” In that one word, eleven days of disappointment became much more clear. The man who has been such an ambassador to the game for three seasons looked…well, old. Forget about all the Junior Nazi Academys he has opened across the globe. Forget about his advance scouting techniques, and his ability to locate talented karters like Choclo-con and Owl in the most remote parts of the world. By all means, forget about time he shaved his Hitler ’stache. The man who took the podium last night to defend Duckie and Rape Lord after successive DNPs looked defeated. His eyes were sullen. Several reporters stated that they’d never noticed the wrinkles forming on Eat’s face. A once vibrant, seemingly-imortal, Jew-hating kart racer has taken on the appearance of a lost soul. The next time we see Eat he will be behind the wheel, where he says he is the most comfortable, most lucid, and happiest. One can only hope that when he steps away from the podium, and the camera’s flashing, and the microphones thrust in front of his face, when he finally hops aboard his trusty dolphin and turns the ignition, Eat Me Out will remember what it feels like to be a winner. Maybe the fight and the fire will return. Maybe the fear of finishing last is necessary for overcoming one’s demons. In the case of Eat Me Out, those demons propelled him to the top of the sport. He needs to find his demons, embrace them, and let them steer his racist, anti-semitic bastard self back on track. Kart League isn’t the same without a competitive Eat Me Out. Until then, we will sit patiently and wait to see the sparkle in those cold, vicious eyes. Good luck, Eat.

1-9-10 “I think he’s brought a winning attitude to our squad. Choc and the boys learned a lot this week about being on top.” Those words were issued to the press by team captain Tom after last night’s high energy kart series knocked 3 more games off the grueling 108 game schedule. Tom was referring to his newly-acquired kart teammate Dickface. The former league champion has thus far lit a fire beneath the collective asses of Team Tom: Tom, Choclo-con and Chuck Norris. After 9 games  the foursome is tied for first place with the venerable Nate Dawg squad, anchored by two-time champ (and full-time meth-head) Caden. “Dickface might have a dick on his face, and he might be a complete fag, but damn can that guy inspire those around him,” Tom stated to beat writers and local reporters packed into the sweltering press room at Moo Moo Meadows. “I can’t wait to see where the four of us go from here.” No one anticipated Team Tom would be tied with Team Nate (but holding onto a crucial, slim 13-point margin) after the first week of the season. As first round draft pick Choclo-con put it last night, her kart partners aren’t planning on fading into obscurity anytime soon. “We be killin’ it, son. Best watch yo’ bitch ass now. Team Tom g’onna turn yo’ face to pure jizz. Sheeit.” And “jizz” they will try, and “sheeit” they very well might. I know one reporter who can’t wait to see how Dickface and Team Tom fare throughout the remaining 99 games.

1-7-10 Tonight we learned that the question raised on draft day, “can the gilkey brothers race together, or will their sibling rivalry bring down the entire ev.ev. franchise” were justified. after a solid opening series, team ev.ev. took a nose dive tonight, with tod and ray gilkey stumbling to 3rd and 4th place finishes respectively. so demoralized was team captain ev.ev. that he could barely muster the strength to compete in his circuit tonight. looking old, worn out, and at times confused, captain ev.ev. finished 8 races with an embarrassing 42 points, amassing a total that was less than half of his next closest competitor (eat me out, 84 points). after his pathetic finish, ev.ev. looked exhausted in the post-game press conference. he was quoted as saying, “it’s never too early to shake up the roster. at this point, the only member of the team i really feel i can count on is birdo. and that’s not saying much. fucking gilkeys.” no one knows how team ev.ev. will proceed in the immediate future, but a pathetic start to this season has some fans wondering why they bothered spending money on season-tickets packages during a recession if this is the kind of shit they’re going to have to endure for the next several months.