I’m sitting around waiting for the e-mail chain to commence regarding this advertising scam. I haven’t heard back from the company in almost 48 hours, which means either they know I’m onto the scam, or they’re trying to secure enough funds to keep me quiet. There’s no way the perpetrators of such a fraudulent campaign would be honestly trying to instigate some kind of advertising deal. They’re in too deep right now. They need to bite the bullet and admit I caught them. After that it’s up to them whether or not they want to pay me to keep me quiet.

In the meantime, I’ve been reading this article by Laura Sanders on ScienceNews called “Taming Time Travel,” in which physicists grapple with paradoxes by trying to ensure the impossible remains…well, impossible.

Whenever you’re high and you’re talking to your friends about time travel, someone inevitably brings up what is known as the “grandfather paradox.” It’s usually you’re stupid friend who starts in on the paradox, because smart people know better than to drudge up the old, boring conversation topic. Most of us want to know more about the earth’s rotation and orbit in relation to time travel. How can you make sure that on November 5th, 1955 the earth will be in this precise place in the universe so as to ensure safe passage between today and that date? What if on November 5th, 1955 Earth is tilted differently on its axis than it is on July 22nd, 2010? And what are the odds that Earth would be fixed at the same location on it’s near-circular orbit around the sun on that day as it is today? Wouldn’t both of those attributes make time travel nearly impossible? You’d be firing people out into space unless you selected a date and time where the planet was in the exact location in space as it is the moment you choose to send someone back in time. One snow day half a decade ago I wrote an entire story about this. It was very tongue-in-cheek. Very…Fiction Writing For Dummies. It was called The Epoch Study (parts 1, 2, 3, and 4). It’s really bad. But the idea is there.

But, whatever, your stupid friend doesn’t care about that. Your stupid friend just wants to know if it’s possible to go back in time and kill your grandfather, and — if so — will it negate your own existence? Now physicists are tackling this question, most likely because they too are tired of their stupid friends bringing it up when they’re getting high.

Some guy from Oxford thinks that it’s actually possible for the time traveler to remember killing his grandfather without actually doing it. That would, of course, explain how a drunk dude could go back in time and “kill his grandfather” without negating his own existence. But that’s a fucking cop out. Pay me that guy’s salary, call me a physicist and let me come up with ridiculous assumptions like that. Bullshit!

Ah, but this other guy, Seth Lloyd, he’s got the right idea. He’s an MIT guy, and they know their shit. Fuck Oxford. The article states, “A bullet-maker would be inordinately more likely to produce a defective bullet if that very bullet was going to be used to later kill a time traveler’s grandfather, or the gun would misfire, or ’some little quantum fluctuation has to whisk the bullet away at the last moment…’ In this version of time travel, the grandfather [Lloyd] says, is a ‘tough guy to kill.’”

As unrealistic as this all sounds, it makes perfect sense. If you’re alive, you shouldn’t be able to go back in time and kill your grandfather in order to negate your own existence. It’s pretty simple. Even the stupid LOST time travel rules (1977 is their past, so they can’t die — but for us 1977 is our present, so we can die) seems to address this. Which is why your retarded friend who gets high and wonders if he can kill his own grandfather to create a time travel paradox is not worth getting high with ever again.

Johnny Guitar – Bangkok By Night
Dreamend – Iceland

Technorati Tags: Back To The Future, Download, Dreamend, Grandfather Paradox, Johnny Guitar, MP3, ScienceNews, The Epoch Study, Time Travel

There are exactly 18 results for a Google search of the combined terms “Tim Green” and “Music Of the Skies.” I’d say that makes this a relatively unknown album by Internet standards. Perfect for tonight’s installment of Treasures Of The Collector’s Slum!

Music of The Skies was released in 1981 by the unknown songwriter Tim Green on a private label called Good Boy. It’s heartfelt folk music led by Green and his acoustic guitar. I don’t know if you can hang the “freak folk” flag on it, but the album’s second cut, “The Little Bag Lady,” most definitely has a Vetiver/Devendra Banhart feel to it. I don’t normally dig guys with high, pretty voices, but Green’s plaintive delivery recalls Colin Blunstone circa “A Rose For Emily” or whatever remorseful Zombies tune you prefer.

I have no idea who accompanies Green on this record, but at different points you can hear full string sections, lead guitars, and piano. The only downfall on this album is the absolutely atrocious last track, “Got More Love.” It’s horrifying ’80s production is embarrassing. If I were Green, I’d try my damnedest to forget this song was ever written. It sounds like a 40th rate Paul Simon song, and I hate Paul Simon. Except for that one album — the one where he totally ripped of Jackson C. Frank. That album is okay.

As usual, if anyone knows more information about this record, please feel free to leave a comment below or e-mail me whatever information you might have. Enjoy!

Tim Green
Music Of The Skies
Good Boy, 1981
MediaFire DL Link

01. Music Of The Skies
02. The Little Bag Lady
03. Cargill
04. Little Children
05. Secrets Of The Heart
06. Just Wanna See You
07. Let Go
08. The Path Of Love
09. Harlequin
10. Crystal Line
11. Surface Tension
12. Got More Love

Technorati Tags: Folk, Good Boy, MediaFire, Music Of The Skies, Private Press, Singer-Songwriter, Tim Green

I received an e-mail the other day from an unknown entity asking about my advertising rates. Naturally these things are bound to happen when one reaches the forefront of the blog community. I responded rather succinctly with my current rate for a one year text link on an archived entry. The response I received was a total low-ball offer. I decided to investigate the wannabe advertiser’s e-mail address, and a simple Google search rewarded me with a plethora of blog entries related to scams perpetuated by businesspeople using the same domain address. Apparently these people ask for your advertising rate, then send you a a certified check for too much money. Then they ask you to cash the check and send them a refund. Most people don’t wait for the check to clear (which it won’t, because it’s phony) so they send the company money, and then lose out when the check bounces. Then you have to pay the bank fee for the bounced check, you don’t get any money, and you’ve sent your own money to the scammers. Sounds crazy right? Well, I decided when I came home from work today that I would pour myself a stiff glass of Elijah Craig aged 18 years single barrel Kentucky straight bourbon (as I often do) and have some fun with the scammers. Two can play at this game!

from: Name@Domain.net
to: gothbrooks@gmail.com
date: Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 1:04am
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

Hi,

Currently I’m promoting some drug rehab sites. I thought on a page like: [link to Swan Fungus page]

Perhaps something in a past post – only the keywords would be linked to the site. I’m sure you have far more clever ideas for inserting the text into the post. Would you consider $50 to keep it up for a year? I’m sure we can work something out.

Also, if you’re looking for an intern-I’m female, relatively cute, and scored a 1300 on my SATs. Just sayin’

[Name]

That’s the e-mail that set me off on my web search. Maybe it’s the combination of whiskey and hindsight, but doesn’t that read like the most obviously scammy advertising inquiry you’ve ever seen? Well, here’s my response:

from: gothbrooks@gmail.com
to: Name@Domain.net
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 1:56am
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

Hi [Name],

$50 isn’t enough. I’ve gotten $150 regularly from other companies, $200 a few times and $350 once for single text ad placement on past posts.

I need a picture if I’m going to hire an intern. You can never be too careful these days. Consider Swan Fungus the American Apparel of the blogosphere.

Regards,
Evan

I didn’t expect to receive a response, so I was shocked when my e-mail thing blinked just a few minutes later. Picture attached. Amazing. These scam artists sure are getting cagey these days. They’ve got stock photographs and everything ready to attach to an e-mail on the off-chance one of their target asks them — completely out of left field — to provide a picture in order to facilitate an advertising deal.

from: Name@Domain.net
to: gothbrooks@gmail.com
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 2:20am
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

Evan,
Well, we should still be able to work something out:) I simply want it in a past post, and even though this post has lower ranking than I would hope for, it’s fun to read, and the link is relevant. What would you charge?
Were you referencing the sidebar links for tickets you have? Sorry, I’m snoopy.
As for the intern position, I would have to relocate, as I am on the other side of the states. I suppose that’s just one more pipe dream I’ll chase in my sleep.

However, because I am odd, and feel the urge to redeem myself, see above (that is my sis’s hand I cropped her out). Just don’t pick on me.

Best,
[Name]

Wow. Since when are Internet scammers so personable? I decided last night (early this morning) that maybe I should get some rest and re-evaluate the proposal later. Maybe this would turn out not to be a scam — Ah, who am I kidding, I woke up totally thinking it was still a scam. So, like any blogger worth his weight in Google Analytics (what?) my mission became to see how far I could take this.

from: gothbrooks@gmail.com
to: Name@Domain.net
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 9:07pm
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

[Name],

What do you mean we should be able to work something out? I told you the rates, even in the past post. $150 would be my lowest possible offer.

I was not referencing the sidebar links. I’ve had leaderboard links on individual pages for years, and the standard rate is at least $150 a year (that’s, like, less than 50-cents per day).

As for the intern position, where are you located? There could be some telecommuting possibilities. Do you have any experience with GoToMeeting? I could hold a seminar for you to teach you about your duties as intern. I guess Skype would work too if you don’t want to pay for software.

Are you emotionally stable? Most women aren’t. You could always move in with me. Most of the intern duties would take place in my apartment. You’d be mailing care packages to readers and making my bed and keeping my vinyl organized alphabetically. That’s just the start.

Regards,
Evan

Again, I did not anticipate a response from the scammer. Clearly this person’s desire to con me out of my money is very strong. At this point it had only been 20 hours since first contact, but it was the longest con I had ever willingly subjected myself to. Who knew if it would continue after my insane reply.

from: Name@Domain.net
to: gothbrooks@gmail.com
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 9:39pm
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

Evan,

I can do $150, but my boss needs to see it up before he sends payment, to make sure it is correctly coded, followed, blah blah blah. Payment should come within 24 hours of when I send the request. Would that be acceptable?

I’m in [East Coast State], and emotionally stable except for my love of cheep beer. I do think my boy would frown upon me moving out there, to live with a man he’s not met (who consequently is not him).

Told ya it was a fleeting fancy:(
[Name]

A ha! The game is a foot, my friends. And this time the scammers have taken this scam to the next level. Suddenly the funds have appeared even though my demand was 200% higher than their initial offer. Either I’m a really good negotiator, or they suck at scamming people. Wait, if they’re going to send me a fake $150 check I guess that doesn’t even matter. I could have asked for $500 and they probably would have agreed if the check was just going to bounce anyway. Notice how the scammer also suddenly backtracks on the intern request? She’s clearly lying. No fake scammer has a boyfriend. This person probably isn’t even a girl. Girls don’t perpetrate online fraud. My guess is the scammer realized I was about to accept the $150 offer and wanted to tie things up in a neat little bow. Can’t move to LA, here’s your fake check!

from: gothbrooks@gmail.com
to: Name@Domain.net
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 10:56pm
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

How will you be sending payment? I need to know before we proceed with any of this.

I’m sorry, but I want my intern to follow me blindly into war. Fleeting fancy? Just take a leap of faith. This internship could open many doors for you. I know people in high places. Plus, this is Los Angeles. Your hillbilly boyfriend doesn’t hold a candle to the rich Jew producers in this town, none of whom I can introduce to you.

Regards,
Evan

Ha! Try to talk you way out of that one, scammer! You’re going to send me a check aren’t you!

from: Name@Domain.net
to: gothbrooks@gmail.com
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 11:04pm
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

I prefer PayPal — it’s faster and fare more efficient than snail mail.

You wouldn’t like me much. I am a co-conspirator, not a follower. I am probably not right for the position.

Best,
[Name]

Oh, shit. PayPal? I didn’t plan for this contingency. Um…time for a new plan! Stall Evan! Stall! Stall, get another glass of bourbon, and try to figure out how sending me a PayPal payment could turn into a scam. This can’t be a legitimate advertising offer, THE INTERNET TOLD ME SO!

from: gothbrooks@gmail.com
to: Name@Domain.net
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 11:33pm
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

What kind of Intern automatically gets co-conspirator status? upon signing up for the position? That would take a very trusting boss, and I don’t know enough about you to make you an equal if you’re going to carry around the tag “intern” all the time. I anticipate a week or two of the usual intern chores, like fixing me tea and making sure all my pencils are sharpened so when I chuck them at the ceiling they stick really well. The tape dispensers should always have tape in them, and the freezer should have fresh ice cubes for my bourbon. After a few weeks of that, you can maybe be a co-conspirator.

I never made fun of your photo. What’s wrong, can’t you look at a camera instead of looking forlorn like some stupid model staring at the ground?

This is a photo of a crazy Japanese man wearing my face on his shirt. Swan Fungus is huge in Japan.

Regards,
Evan

Here I’m thinking, “That oughta keep ‘em busy until I have time to figure out if they’re actually scamming me or not.” Instead, the next e-mail came within minutes. Shit.

from: Name@Domain.net
to: gothbrooks@gmail.com
date: Tue, July 20,2010 at 11:51pm
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

That was the first photo I clicked on. I was smiling slightly. It was taken at a funeral. No real “fun” in that photo.

Seriously, are you interested in the link, or would you like to pass on it?

Best,
[Name]

Shit. This could be the moment I expose the fraud. Depending on how I phrase my response, it could make or break my deep undercover…what’s the word I’m looking for…investigation! This is could turn my investigation into the biggest Internet coup against scam artists ever! And I would be like Woodward and Bernstein, showing other bloggers how to handle a potential scam situation. Yup…just call me Woodbern. No, wait — call me Wardstein. No…I got it. Call be Bernward.

Heh…burn ward.

from: gothbrooks@gmail.com
to: Name@Domain.net
date: Wed, July 21,2010 at 12:10am
subject: Re: Advertising on “Swan Fungus”

I’m sorry, it’s getting late on the west coast and I’ve been drinking since I got out of work. I think I’m going to sleep on it and get back to you in the morning. Tell your boss my offer of $500 for the one ad stands.

PS – I just realized that the photo I sent you depicts a woman, not a man. Sorry about that. You know those Japanese. The men all have long hair, the women sometimes have short hair, and they all have identically smooth skin. It’s hard to tell them apart.

Regards,
Evan

Ingenious, Evan! Force their hand, see how they respond, but quickly dismiss yourself for six or seven hours in order to keep them stewing. If this is indeed a scam — or a flam — they’ll agree to the ridiculous $500 sum for a simple text ad placement and then offer to send me a check. Fucking Columbo couldn’t have planned this scam of mine better than I did. I’m scamming the scammers! I hope at some point I get to kick through a door and scream, “The jig is up!”

So, what do you think? Is this going to turn out to be a BUSTED scam or not? Only time will tell. I don’t know about you, but I’m on the edge of my seat.

Granted, it’s because I’m about to go refill my glass with more ice. My bottle of bourbon isn’t empty yet.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Technorati Tags: Advertising, Check, E-mail, PayPal, Scam

I don’t think I need to remind anyone how much I hate bees. Next to vomit, bees are my biggest fear. No, I don’t feel a little bit gay that the two things I’m most afraid of in the world are so ridiculous. I think people who are afraid of clowns are ridiculous. My mother has told me that her biggest fear is being buried alive. Hey, at least my fears are things that one could conceivably come in contact with in the blink of an eye, every day of your life. How often do you come face-to-face with a clown? How often do you find yourself in a scenario where being buried alive is a realistic outcome?

It’s been reported by the Telegraph (UK) that some guy found himself stuck in the middle of a swarm of 30,000 bees recently. “At first I didn’t know what it was, it looked like a black snow blizzard all around the house and sounded like we’d been surrounded by people blowing vuvuzelas.” At some point the bees clumped together to form a 2-foot-long “grape” on a nearby tree. There are pictures of what 30,000 bees look like when they’re clumped together. It’s making me feel anxious and dizzy just looking at it. I never want to see this thing again. Take it away from me.

I was at the gym a few weeks ago running on the treadmill when I noticed the TV in front of me was showing some kind of History Channel documentary about killer bees. I was engrossed as I ran 3 miles, watching these guys in full-body suits charging into killer bee nests to try and gauge the aggressiveness of the colony. I think I might have tripped over my jaw at one point. At the very least, my heart rate was elevated for the 30 minutes it took to reach my stationary destination. I left the gym convinced that I was going to be attacked by a swarm of killer bees. They’re in America now, you know…

A few days ago I read this article about how researchers at the University of Arizona have genetically engineered a malaria-resistant mosquito. Which brings me to my main point: Why the hell wasn’t Matt involved in this when he was at U of A oh right it’s because it took him 8 years to graduate Why haven’t scientists genetically engineered bees without stingers or bees less aggressive than killer bees? That seems like it’s a little more important to the developed world than mosquitoes that are resistant to malaria. I don’t even think we have malaria in the United States! But I’ll tell you what we do have: Killer bees. Maybe if scientists at U-of-A looked in their own backyard, they might see that America has more important issues than the small percentage of our population which travels to sub-tropical climates every year and catches malaria. Killer bees could get me any day now. I’m walking around with a big target on me inviting those killer bees to destroy me. They could strike at any time. I could have a colony living in my air ducts right now and wouldn’t even know it. All it takes is one sting to set off those bees. They have LoJack or something. I’m not going to Costa Rica any time soon, so the whole malaria-resistant mosquito thing means nothing to me.

I’m sorry, I keep going back to the article about the fucking bees. Would you look at that “grape?” That thing is like my worst nightmare. The only way it could be any worse was if they stung me and I vomited everywhere. Or if all the bees vomited on me. Think about it — 30,000 little vomiting bees could really add up to a lot of vomit. Imagine 30,000 insects stricken with stomach bugs (ha! bugs with bugs…) and by stinging me they’re passing along the bug to me, and then I’m sick with the sick of 30,000 bees. I think that’s my worst nightmare. That or everyone’s vomiting on me and I’m a bee. That might be my real worst nightmare. And — hey wait a minute, look at that photo credit in the article about the bees. “MASONS?” What do you mean, that credit for that photograph belongs to the Fraternal Order of the Freemasons? That seems odd. This sounds like a job for Hornet Montana! ACK! I just realized the first name of your pseudonym is a relative of my biggest fear. Not cool, dude. Maybe you should change your name to something more Evan-friendly…like Pussy Montana. Yeah, I like the sound of that. How about, Mathrock Montana?

Speaking of my friend Hornet, I got an e-mail from the man the other day asking of if I’ve heard of or seen the new NBC miniseries Persons Unknown. In his words, “it is a LOST ripoff (every character has a LOST counterpart), but you may find it humorous.” Apparently I’ve already missed a half-dozen installments of this miniseries, but I guess through the power of the Internet I can find the first couple episodes to see if it’s any good. Or maybe it’ll just make me laugh and miss LOST. Thanks Hornet. I’ll see you in a few months…

I had a conversation with two of my co-workers today that basically revolved around my inability to function on a normal human day-to-day level. I was commenting on how shitty those stupid healthy microwavable lunch meals taste, and she asked me why I just don’t make my lunch? What do you mean, “Why don’t I just…” do you have any idea how unbalanced I am psychologically? I can’t be bothered to think about preparing a meal for myself hours ahead of time! There’s way too much swirling around in my head to bother with those kinds of trivialities. I’ve got to focus on the important things, like not touching any surfaces that could be covered in germs, while simultaneously worrying about bigger-picture issues like, do I have a brain tumor, or kidney stones, and where did I park my car last night, and what can I buy with only three dollars and forty-two cents in my pocket, and how badly do I need a fucking vacation, wait did I remember to lock my front door this morning, shit I haven’t responded to that job offer from three weeks ago, it’s been an hour since I washed my hands, hey why is that person yelling at me in Spanish, oh right I’m standing in the middle of an intersection with a “don’t walk” sign flashing and I’m naked and pissing on her Honda. Look, I don’t know how I’m able to wake up in the morning and shower and go to work. I just know that as I’m doing it my mind is in 75 other places contemplating 150 unrelated ideas. You should all just be happy I’ve eluded forced-medication or incarceration for this long. Things could change any day now.

Doomed. I’m so doomed. I finished writing that paragraph and I just looked at this list of symptoms of severe OCD and I think I’ve got ‘em all. I’m not kidding.

Thin White Rope – Lithium

Technorati Tags: Bees, Killer Bees, Malaria, Mosquitoes, OCD, Persons Unknown, Severe OCD, Swarms

I got to see Chrome last night at The Redwood downtown. Well, I saw Helios Creed playing Chrome songs…Damon died like fifteen years ago and I’m pretty sure the other guys were hired guns: Aleph on drums, Lux on bass, and the keyboard player who I see all over town who kind of looks like Eddie Izzard. I’m going to go ahead an say it was Chrome. Maybe you fuckers who saw the band in its early incarnation can really say you saw Chrome, but going to shows is a lot like playing baseball. What? Yeah, I said that. In that sport, when batters swing and nub the ball three feet in front of home plate but beat the throw to first, teammates will say, “It’ll be a line-drive in the box score tomorrow” meaning that a hit is a hit no matter how hard one hits the ball. Likewise, a concert is a concert no matter who’s in the band. So I saw Chrome just like you old fuckers saw Chrome. The same holds true for all bands, like Mike Love’s Beach Boys (ouch!) and Old Skull*. By the way, speaking of old fuckers, the audience last night was made up almost entirely of people who I recognized from work and old punks. I felt slightly out of place if only because I had a full head of hair. No offense, old guys, I mean that in the sense that I wish more people my age respected Chrome. Eh…I guess they played Part Time Punks a few years ago. That has to count for something.

RULES for uninitiated noobs: With roughly 100MB of web space, I give birth to a weekly Mix Tape to be deposited on your iPods or Zunes or Kingklangs or whatever the industry is currently pushing on you. Sometimes there will be themes that link all the songs together, other times I’ll just throw songs at a wall (not literally) and see what sticks. This week is all about Chrome. Well, Chrome is highlighted, but you’ll find some like-minded groups scattered about, as well as some new things I’m digging. The goal of this endeavor, as always, is to pique your interest in these artists so you’ll support the artists and buy their albums.

Suday Mix Tape Number 189
A Very Chrome-y Mix Tape

01. Chrome – Tribes

02. Samsara Blues Experiment – Singata Mystic Queen – Ian told me to seek out this album last week. I’ve listened to it twice, and although I’m not totally sold on it, there are a few cool moments that have kept me interested. I don’t know, what do you think? Am I missing something? Is Ian missing something? (buy from Amazon.com)

03. The Residents – Birth – My Residents record collection is filling out quite nicely, and I’ve added six great LPs to my collection in the past year. Including a beautiful original, white vinyl pressing of Eskimo, which has earned itself many a spin on my turntable. Blame its excellence for my beginning to wear out this record. (buy from Amazon.com)

04. Throbbing Gristle – Zyklon B Zombie – Mark gave me a spare copy of this record and I’ve gotten some good use out of it. What a totally fucked up band. (buy from Amazon.com)

05. Six Finger Satellite – Laughing Larry – Jet turned me onto SFS back in the day. It was one of the reasons I kept her around as a friend, I guess…seeing as how she’s a really horrible person who let me crash on her couch multiple times during cross-country adventures, fixes broken guitar pedals for me, introduces me to a ton of amazing musicians in Chicago and a slew of bands I had no idea existed, and generally kicks at at life. I don’t know if The Pigeon Is The Most Popular Bird or Paranormalized is my favorite album of theirs. (buy from Amazon.com)

06. Tuxedomoon – Fifth Column – Weird…I don’t think I’ve listened to Tuxedomoon in…five years? How long has it been since I started compiling these mix taps? It’s been about that long, I guess. (buy from Amazon.com)

07. Claude Barthelemey – Cigarillos – Found on some blog sometime in the past two weeks. I don’t remember how, where or why. Thanks, forgettable music blog!

08. Chrome – Gehanna To Canaan

09. Fushitsusha – In an Instant, Vanished, the First Echo – Just when I thought I wasn’t going to be able to find a translation for this track title (written in Japanese on the album), “An Unofficial Keiji Haino Discography” comes along and translates everything for me. I know for a while I was heavily culling from these Fushitsusha albums, but it’s been a while so I figured, “Why not start again? Maybe everyone has forgotten by now…” (buy from Amazon.com)

10. Supreme Dicks – Synaesthesia – The guy I met from Supreme Dicks came into my place of work a couple weeks ago and we talked about Michael Hurley records. I meant to ask him about the Supreme Dicks catalog, and whether or not any of their records were going to be issued on vinyl in the near future. Maybe next time I won’t have such a retarded brain fart. Love this band, love these albums…why aren’t you out here with me yet? There’s room enough for at least one more person on the Supreme Dicks train. (buy from Amazon.com)

11. Sunwatcher – Untitled – From the self-titled cassette tape released by Mark McGuire (again, not that Mark McGuire) through his Wagon Records and Tapes label. Totally-blissed-out awesomeness. (Wagon, 2008)

12. Melvins – Love Canal

13. Melvins – Someday

14. Skyramps – Skyramping – From the Days Of Thunder album released by Mark McGuire through his Wagon label. Ian told me to check this out, too. If you haven’t noticed, this mix tape is very…palindromic? It starts and ends with Chrome, the second and penultimate tracks were recommended by Ian, there are two tracks on the Wagon label bookending two tracks from the same Melvin’s 5″ record…see, I put some thought into this shit. I swear I do. (Wagon, 2009)

15. Chrome – Open Up (Locust Door) – By the way, all of these Chrome tracks appear on the Raining Milk (Revisited) album. It’s a tough one to find. Good luck.

Technorati Tags: Chrome, Concert, Fushitsusha, Melvins, Skyramps, Supreme Dicks, The Redwood, The Residents, Throbbing Gristle, Tuxedomoon

Donated lovingly by former Swan Fungus benefactor “Viagra Falls,” who has disappeared in recent months because he got angry at me when his user name was picked up by my SPAM filter every time he tried to leave a comment on a blog post. I’ve tried to make amends in the hopes that he would contribute more to the Treasures From The Collector’s Slum series, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I think I’m capable of digging up some gems and sharing them on my own without any help. As famed TV personality Bill O’Reilly once stated, “FUCK IT, I’LL WRITE IT AND WE’LL DO IT LIVE! FUCKIN’ THING…SUCKS!”

Privately released album from 1975 on the unknown JSR Records lael, Michael Fitzgerald’s Heatbreak is a kind of psychedelic/loner crossover album. Best I can tell, it was recorded and mixed in my home state of New Jersey. Funny, I never saw this in a cut-out bin or thrift store when I was starting to collect records. One look at that amazing, pencil-drawn cover and I would have been sold on it. Fitzgerald must have been a shore native, as Heartbreak was possibly recorded (and definitely mixed) in Long Branch. The airy, warm orchestrations imply a summery vibe that tends to counter the lyrical content of the album, which definitely falls in the “loner” genre. Lots of songs about lost loves and desired women. Hell, the album is called Heartbreak! Listen for the harpsichord, lush strings, woodwinds and more. How an album with a photograph of a guy standing next to a row of garbage cans sounds this beautiful is beyond me.

Not much information exists about Fitzgerald, and by “not much” I mean the Internet is completely void of information about the man. So, as usual, if any of you have intel regarding his whereabouts or the recording of Heartbreak, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.

Enjoy!

Michael Fitzgerald
Heartbreak
JSR Records, 1975
MediaFire DL Link

01. Sunrise
02. Rachel
03. My Guitar
04. Flowers & Friends
05. Olde Belle
06. More Than Dreams
07. Brand New Day
08. Roll In The Sky
09. Heartbreak

Technorati Tags: Heartbreak, JSR Records, Loner, Long Branch, Michael Fitzgerald, New Jersey, Private, Psychedelic, Vanity

Ah, Friday. For most of you it’s time to relax and enjoy the weekend. For me…my work-week is just beginning. Hopefully you all have fun things planned for yourselves, or else you’re going to be stuck at home reading my rants and feeling like your life has no purpose. Less purpose, even, than my life. Negative purpose.

Here’s the latest Top Ten Google Searches Referring Visitors To Swan Fungus:

10. how you know your life is pathetic
09. urinal cruising – I guess Sam’s guest post is still attracting readers
08. zachery allan starkey – And so it begins…
07. what to do in southern california during hot days – One of my better Top Ten lists.
06. creedence faggot
05. top ten things to own in 2010
04. pictures of a naked blonde bartender getting a 5 some – That’s a bit specific, don’t you think?
03. sex with insects porn
02. prison theme drinks
01. how to get out of gym on your birthday – Uh…

So I’ve been talking to people about the awesome Dogfish Head tasting I attended this week, and it got me thinking — I’m not drinking enough so far this summer. I’m doing enough to satisfy the requirements of my 101/1001 list, but I’m not drinking as many new beers as I should be. It’s summertime! It’s beer weather. Breweries across the country are pushing their summer seasonals. Need some help deciding what to drink when it’s 100 degrees out (like it has been in Los Angeles this week)? Allow me…

The Top Ten Summer Seasonal Beers

10. Magic Hat Wacko – This beer has a horrible reputation. But I have a soft spot for all Magic Hat beers. They were some of the first I ever consumed. All the time I’ve spent in Vermont — and the brewery tours and tastings I participate in each time I return — have really helped refined my palette. Yeah, I know that it’s stupid pink color is off-putting and the beets are a total “what the fuck?” ingredient, but it’s not that bad. Herd mentality has tarnished this beer’s reputation. In a blind taste test, I’m sure it would be worth more than an 18th percentile grade.

09. Brooklyn Summer Ale – It’s a total session beer. It’s not the most out-there or intriguing ale on the list, but it’ll quench your thirst on an unbearably hot day and…I don’t know, I kind of like it! Clear yellow color, orange peel aroma, and super-light bodied. Yum…

08. Stoudt’s Weizen (Stoudt’s Heifer-In-Wheat) – Ian introduced me to Stoudt’s with their delicious Fat Dog Stout back in 2004 or 2005. This small brewery from Pennsylvania would often get overlooked as we shopped for beers in Jersey, but now that I’m out west I miss both the aforementioned stout as well as the brewery’s summer seasonal, Weizen. Let’s face it, it’s not always wise to drink pitch-black, coffe-and-chocolate inflused beers year-round. When it’s gross, and humid, and the sun is bearing down, I want something hazy, maybe a little spicy, with a good sweet/sour flavor. Weizen offers all those things while being quite refreshing.

07. Port Brewing Anniversary Ale – I’m ranking this a bit low because I don’t think it’s officially the brewery’s summer seasonal, but it’s released every year in late spring/early summer, so that’s good enough for me. The past two have been imperial IPAs, which are perfect summer brews as they are packed with citrus hop flavor and a touch of sweetness. 10% ABV? I’d drink ‘em all day if I didn’t worry about blacking out…Ah, who am I kidding. So what if I black out?

06. Dogfish Head Festina Peche – I wrote about this beer the other night. This is a neo-Berliner Weisse fermented with peaches. On nights when the heat won’t break and you decide to grill up some chicken or fish and sit outside enjoying the company of good friends, I’d say Festina Peche is about as good a beer as you can find. I know “fruity” beers get a bad rap, but this one is really good.

05. Avery Samael’s – Barley Wine? Summer? Why not! That’s what makes Avery so awesome. Lots of caramel, oak-aged goodness in here. Again, I’m not sure this is technically a summer seasonal but I’ve seen it described as such on a couple of websites so I’m going with it. Hmm…looking back on this list so far I’m not too happy with my choices. It seems like I either don’t care to determine whether or not a beer is really a summer beer, or I’m adding it to the list even though I’m not in love with it. Wow…what the fuck!?

04. Moylan’s Hopsickle – I’ve had this a few times in the past month, and it’s delicious. Another imperial IPA, this is a huge hop explosion (the bottle even says, “Triple Hoppy.” Strong citrus aroma, a semi-sweet flavor with a huge hop finish. It’s as refreshing as you can ask for, and so delicious.

03. Lagunitas Maximus – “At the heigh of the heat in the heart of the summer, we felt that the only cure was a raging mouthful of fresh hops and malt. Caution: May remove the enamel from teeth. This is Lagunitas IPA pumped up by about 30%!” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Another amazing double/imperial IPA. If you’re noticing a theme here, well…there’s a definite theme. Summer is all about refreshing hops bite, and some craft breweries in America are putting forth amazing imperial IPAs of late. I used to be a huge stout head, but I have developed into a hop head more and more each passing year. Lagunitas, you’re doing it right!

02. The Bruery Trade Winds Tripel – I’m beginning to fall in love with this brewery. It started with White Oak, intensified with Melange, and now I’ll drink pretty much any beer of theirs I come across. Clear gold color, vanilla and fruit in the aroma, and a smooth drink with sharp carbonation to offset whatever gross environment in which you’re drinking. Even on a day like yesterday, when the thermostat in my car read 111 degrees, I could sit outside and enjoy one of these. Fuck it, you know?

01. AleSmith YuleSmith (Summer) – 22oz bombers of this are like heaven on an unbearable summer day. I sit there staring at the huge frothy head that never seems to dissipate (and leaves great lacing) and it’s like, “Yup — this is the cure for the heat.” Citrus aroma with some sweet malty notes. The taste is big on citrus as well, with a finely balanced hop/malt ratio. Caramel and some other fruits too. And yeah, there’s some alcohol warmth in there too — but it works. It’s like those people who drink hot tea in India when it’s 130 degrees outside. Sometimes a little warmth actually helps deal with the heat. I don’t quite get it, but whatever. Is it any wonder that AleSmith — one of the finest breweries in the country — provides me with the best summer seasonal beer? Nope. It’s not. Now go buy one and see for yourself.

Technorati Tags: AleSmith, Avery, beer, Dogfish Head, Lagunitas, Magic Hat, Moylan's, Port Brewing, Stoudt's, Summer Seasonal, The Bruery