Well, well, well. Would you look at that? Dinner Club (nèe For Day People) actually managed to string two meetings together in two months! This marks the first time we’ve accomplished that feat in…I don’t know, a year? Here’s hoping David picks our next destination soon so that we can go three-for-three in successive monthly meetings.
Amanda was tasked with choosing our most recent destination, and she picked Hollywood newcomer (by way of New York City) Beauty & Essex. How hot is Beauty and Essex right now? Well, on Wednesday night our party of seven was seated next to a certain A-list celebrity whose fame literally owes itself to her getting plowed by a no-name rapper on camera. Of course there was a film crew there capturing her meal for her family’s TV show. Yuck.
Amanda’s special guest for dinner was none other than…her mom! For the first time in five years, I think, one of our +1Â guests was a family member. Come to think of it, Kelie didn’t bring a special guest with her to Here’s Looking At You, and Maryn didn’t bring a special guest with her to Manuela. That’s crazy! That means the last guest to attend a meeting was Erin way back in April of 2016 when I picked Odys + Penelope. Amanda’s mom was a spectacular addition to our crew, she came dressed for success and kept up with us drink-for-drink.
A few of us were running late tonight, including myself. Shockingly, I arrived five minutes before our reservation, and I was still the first person there to arrive. I sidled up to the downstairs bar (there’s one upstairs as well) and ordered The Garrison, a drink comprised of Basil Hayden’s bourbon, rum, Fonseca port, and fig jam. I found it tasty, even if the rum and bourbon and port all kind of ran together in a sweet mash-up I couldn’t quite parse. It went down a little too easy, in fact, so I switched to wine for the remainder of the night.
Our server arrived in time to take our drink orders (plus an order of oysters, which Maryn selected) and soon returned with an amuse course for us. Beet papadam was meaty with a hint of Indian spices, making for a fun start to what turned out to be a true feast, one of the largest we’ve ever undertaken, filled with both hits and misses.
Amanda – like General Patton several decades before her – soon gave us our marching orders. Everyone was commanded to pick two dishes. No two people were allowed to select the same dish. “GOT IT?” she shouted down at us, like the General to our Third Army before the Allied invasion of France back in 1994. “Sir, yes sir” we muttered. God, could ordering BE any more of a process?
Maryn selected a dozen oysters, half East Coast and half West Coast, to begin the meal. I had one of each, and preferred West to East, but I can’t recall what the actual names of each were. Sorry about that. Around this time I ordered a pinot from Sonoma, from a winery called Smoke Tree. It was decent, not great, about what you’d expect from the cheapest glass on the red wine menu.
A minute or two before our server returned we went around table and checked off our dishes. Nobody picked the same two dishes! God, could ordering BE any less of a process? Maryn and Mark each picked one dish only. Our server chose the final two dishes for us to cover for their laziness.
Tuna Poke Wonton Tacos (micro cilantro, radish, wasabi kewpie). Three dishes arrived together to commence our meal. One of them was a selection of mine, Tuna Poke Wonton Tacos. I found them to be one of the more delicious bites of the meal, with good spicy and sweet interplay. I think everyone else agreed, unless they were doing that thing people do when they pat you on the head and say “good job” but what they really want to say is, “I’m sorry you were born mentally handicapped.”
MARYN HURT HER HEAD. After winning a new hover-board, Maryn took it for a spin around her living room. She fell, and bruised her tailbone, and the entire thing was caught on camera. E! Entertainment TV (as they were on hand filming) is currently mulling over a new TV show called “Who Fell Better.” The pilot episode will feature Maryn’s fall video and my own drunken fall video. Who fell better? America will decide!
“Deviled Eggs†on Toast (Texas toast, house made mustard, smoked paprika). I wanted these to be amazing, but as Mark deftly noted the “Texas Toast” felt stale. It probably wasn’t, it was just not toasted long enough so it was soft on the inside and hard on the outside.
Are you looking to invest? Need someone to manage your 401K or IRA? Look no further than Amanda’s baby cousin (I think?) Jake, the financial planner! Somewhere someone probably has his contact information. I wasn’t really listening to that part of the conversation because I already have a financial planner back in Allentown, PA. He got me in early on Alibaba (and by that I told him I wanted stock in Alibaba when they went public, and he remembered to buy me some shares when it was down a bit, so I’ve trusted him implicitly ever since.)
Peruvian Salmon Ceviche (leche de tigre, red onion, taro root, corn). This one was another miss for me. Ceviche is usually cured using citrus juices, but there was absolutely no acidity to the dish whatsoever. It was, actually, creamy…which I found to be off-putting as it wound up tasting nothing like what I was expecting.
Hand Cut Steak Tartare (crispy mustard & chive sticky rice cake). I described this dish as “luscious,” and immediately felt every eye at the table on me. A cold sweat began to trickle down the back of my neck. Were they judging me? Would such a goofy remark get me kicked out of dinner club? How come the deviled eggs didn’t come atop this sticky rice cake?
Around this time I noticed everyone was coupling off. Nate and Kelie, Amanda/Maryn/Mama, Mark/Evan. Three different conversations. No one seemed to want to group chat tonight, except for when BIG TOPICS arose. Like when Mark and Nate and Kelie started talking about the housing market in LA and when we can expect a drop in prices. OH MY GOD WE’RE SO OLD.
Grilled Cheese, Smoked Bacon & Tomato Soup Dumplings. No. Nothing about putting a cheesy bacon crouton-thing in a spoon with tomato soup makes this a soup dumpling. Talk about the most misleading menu item of all time! I picked this as my second choice for the table and I was totally embarrassed when these things arrived not looking like traditional xiaolongbao.
‘Chile Relleno’ Empanadas (poblano, manchego, jalapeño-lime crema). I have literally nothing to say about these. They tasted like a basic mozerrella stick with a slightly different-tasting delivery method for cheese.
Thai Style Deep-Fried Shrimp (green papaya slaw). The fried shrimp was the perfect amount of fried, Mark decided. I described it to Kelie as being both crunchy AND snappy. I could feel her eyes rolling back in her head as I said that. I kept mostly quiet about the food after I said that.
Uh oh, Nate and Mark are talking about their Z-holes. That’s not a sex thing, in fact it’s pretty much as far removed from sex as can be! It’s ZELDA. They started talking about Zelda at the dinner table. I quickly told them to shut it down. That’s not Dinner Club material, that’s Brunch Club material.
Chipotle Mahi Tacos (avocado crema, pickled vegetable slaw). I was pretty nonplussed by these. I guess the Mahi tasted a bit chicken-y, but I’m not so sure that’s a positive or a negative. I wanted more heat and – generally – more flavor from these. It was hard to enjoy them after the outstanding poke tacos earlier in the meal.
Somewhere around here Mark and Amanda ordered a bottle of white wine. I asked for a glass of Argentinian malbec that was way better than the pinot. Oh, and Amanda went to use the restroom and informed us that – no joke – there’s a bar that serves rosé in lieu of a bathroom attendant in the ladies’ room. Kelie immediately shot up out of her chair to investigate and apparently it’s true! While both men and women had bathroom attendants in their respective restrooms, only the girls had a BAR that served glasses of ROSÉ while they waited. How cool is that?!
Spaghettini (zucchini, lemon, parsley pesto, parmigiano, sunny-side up egg). Suddenly, a flurry of larger plates were placed before us. I’m not sure which came first – Amanda announcing that we over-ordered, or these dishes hitting the table. Either way, by now people were happily buzzed and starting to fill up, so I pretty much had my pick of anything I wanted. I started taking seconds and thirds because I’m such a fat-ass. I liked the spaghettini, it had a brightness to it that set it apart from some of the other, heavier dishes it was served alongside.
Mark noted that the music selection at Beauty & Essex was the best of any dinner club yet. I have to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed the music playing anywhere we’ve eaten before. Meals by Genet certainly didn’t have any music playing. Did Lazy Ox Canteen? Did Kinjiro or Simbal? I don’t remember! Anyway, do you want to know why Mark declared this the best music selection ever? I’ll tell you: Because they played an Aaliyah song that Mark called “maybe the best pop song ever written?” I asked if everyone remembered where they were when the heard that Aaliyah died. OF COURSE Mark was the only one who remembered.
Truffle Mac & Cheese (smoked gouda, pickled shimeji, black truffle, Sicilian style bread crumbs). Duh. There was no way we weren’t getting the truffle mac. Mark and I put this dish away almost by ourselves, as everyone else was complaining by now that they were full and we needed a to-go box. Oh boy. Amateurs.
Mark then asked if we should go around and air any grievances we might have, but since nobody harbored any resentment for anybody else at the table we skipped ahead to the WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR segment of the evening. So many cheers-es. Film crews and A-listers and Hollywood scenesters be damned, we were the life of that dining room! I said that I was grateful for Amanda’s mom’s presence, as she was easily the most beautiful, best-dressed guest we’ve ever hosted (brownie points with moms are my speciality). I then went with the usual, “I’m glad we’re all at places in our lives when we can enjoy extravagances such as this together” line, which always goes over well. Everyone agreed that my mini-speech was way better than the one I was forced to deliver at my birthday party weeks earlier. No, I can’t remember a single word I said that night. But I heard it was super awkward!
Oven Braised Chicken Meatballs (sheep’s milk ricotta, wild mushroom, truffle). Could I have eaten two of these meatballs? Absolutely. Did I? Absolutely not. They were some of the densest, richest meatballs I have ever consumed. If you had told me there was a typo on the menu and they were pork – not chicken – I totally would have believed you. Wanna know why? Because I have an ape’s palate. Do apes have good palates? What animal has the worst palate? I’m that animal.
Mexican Street Corn Ravioli (roasted poblano crema, jalapeño, cotija, cilantro). I tried two or three of these guys because no one else seemed interested. Also, can’t you call it elote ravioli or just “Street corn” ravioli? We’re in Los Angeles. The raviolis were fine. A few nights later I had an elote quesadilla at The Hermosillo in Highland Park that I would be way, way quicker to recommend than this dish. Just sayin’…
Crispy Lollipop Sprouts (white anchovy vinaigrette, sunflower seed). I got one spoonful of the sprouts and then they were placed on the opposite end of the table, and I was too embarrassed to ask for seconds while everyone else was clutching their guts and complaining about over-ordering.
By the way, Kelie and Amanda just texted me some photos that I should probably share, including Amanda’s pictures from inside the women’s restroom (the rosé bar included) and Kelie’s picture of our bill. Yikes. $32 for water seems more than excessive, no? I’m pretty sure we said we wanted tap water, but by the end of the meal I guess we were all too drunk to notice?
Scallop & Pork Belly “Surf & Turf” (corn pudding, pickled red onion, micro salad). I ate two of these, but I can’t quite remember what they tasted like. The scallop was cooked perfectly but I didn’t get any fatty, piggy flavors from the pork belly. I guess I figured they would be my last bite of the meal so I shut down my tastebuds for the night.
Even though everyone had just complained that they were full and couldn’t possibly consume another bite of food, dessert was left to our server to decide. He returned with a fudge brownie/ice cream/caramel corn caramel pour-over thing that was DELICIOUS. I’m very much not a dessert person, but I had more than a few bites of the sundae, because…well…I’m fat. I’m a disgusting, morbidly obese fat guy. Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead.
What’s with the pursed lips, you ask?
I’m trying to keep the 9 pounds of food I just consumed from escaping.
Psychic Ills – Fade Me Out [MP3]
