For Susan Miller

July 3, 2012
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Don’t think I forgot about you, Susan. Of course I saw the five-paragraph essay you left in the comments section of my blog last week. How could I miss it? It was the most exhaustive comments anyone has ever left on any of the 2,783 blog posts I have written. Did you think I would just approve your response, and then ignore it? Of course I read it! How could I not? It was…remarkable. Susan, it was so amazing, I think it warranted its own blog entry. A unique entry for a unique comment. That’s what I always say.

I’ve never said that before. I haven’t even thought it. In fact I try my best not to speak about my blog in the real world, because it embarrasses me. If you want to unnerve me, make a comment the next time you see me about my blog. I get all wound up and awkward. It’s the most awkward thing you and I could possibly talk about.

…Sorry, I got sidetracked talking to my roommate about resting and elevated heart rates when your’e training for a physically-intensive event.

Hey, while we’re all here waiting for our Independence Day parties to begin, let’s run through your essay and I’ll respond to you as best I can.

In response to my blog entry dated January 4th, 2008, which was called “Top Ten Female Idiosyncrasies I Find Attractive,” you wrote:

I can see why this girl, the one who thinks you are a true misogynistic *bleep* would think that way in her judgement of you. I am making this assumption strictly on what you wrote back to her…I know your comment was the epitome of “sarcasm”…that’s very easy to see after reading what you said to her before the 10 idiosyncrasies…and I quote:

“Looking through my archives, I can totally understand why you think I’m a misogynist, a crotchety old man, and a total asshole. It’s because I have a particular tone of voice when I write that lends itself to interpretation, and the way that you interpret my writing just happens to be as hateful towards women.”

Except for the fact that I didn’t write back to anyone, because no one REALLY called me a misogynist. I did that to myself. See, lots of times when I write these little blog posts I do some from a perspective of someone who is speaking to an audience in real-time, and then I react as if I’m engaged in dialog. So if you read the Idiosyncrasies post as response directed at a reader or commenter, you were wrong. This, what you’re reading right now. All these sentences I’m stringing together…those are a response to a reader/commenter. And that commenter is you, Susan. Are you following? Good. Let’s see what you said to say next…

Oh but that’s just the beginning…I started to wonder part way in…You then say:

“Today I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m going to show you just how much I love the female species by devoting an entire Top Ten list to them. This time it won’t have anything to do with their insecurities or how to get them to part their laid like the red sea in anticipation of your hardened penis. No, I am not going to use any gross sexual imagery in today’s blog, and I’m not going to write anything negative about girls. I’m going to present you with a list of the ten idiosyncratic behaviors of the girls I love the most, and I’m just going to write the truth. That’s all.”

Upon reading the first paragraph, I thought “nice guy”. He actually took the time out to see why this young lady thought him to be a certain type, which he obviously isn’t if he would take the time to prove anything to her”…I mean it is the “net” after all is said and done!

Really? You thought, “nice guy”? In the first paragraph I joke about calling my mom psychotic all the time. That doesn’t seem very nice to me, but what do I know. Maybe you live in some crazy free-thinking city where it’s cool to dishonor your parents by calling them a psycho on the Internet. Already you’ve got me pegged as something I’m not. And what’s with the random quotation mark after the word her? And why are you quoting the word net? I don’t think I never abbreviated Internet, so what does that quote even mean? Are you trying to suggest something there? Like maybe the Internet you’re referencing isn’t the Internet?

I’m confused. But go on…

I started to question part way into the second paragraph where you start talking about your previous posts talking about girls “spreading their lab…anyway, you get the picture I’m sure. I realized just how sarcastic you were being as I read on. You were not “subtle” so it was pretty easy to pick up on it Oh, don’t get me wrong…I’m not judging you, per say, as a person…I am merely judging by what I see typed by you…the passing thoughts of a male who is writing sarcastically about what he really believes women to be or is he just trying to get a young fiery tempered girl to last out again?

Okay, I know this is just the Internet (or the “net” as you so clearly indicated) but…what the hell does that sentence mean. The last run-on sentence might be the least coherent thought I’ve read in a very long time. And, trust me, a lot of idiots leave incoherent thoughts in response to my writing. I think what you’re trying to say is that you knew right away I was being sarcastic, but then you started to think that it can’t be sarcasm because I was actually typing it? What does that mean, that sarcasm is something that can be easily deciphered when it is thought, but not when it is written? Because I’m pretty sure sarcasm — if presented properly — can come across in writing. If I wasn’t clear, I apologize. I’m not going to begin to try and understand the part of that sentence where you get into judging me or judging my writing.

The problem with this type of writing (Beware, insanity may be catching), is that young men who know no different, especially the young men of today, growing up with the type of clothes society deems respectable, etc, the things young girls have resorted to “not to get pregnant”, etc, will only reassure that 13 year old male that women are inferior to men.


Although women may not be as strong as a man, having less muscle mass, smaller bones, etc, the opposite sex is definitely equal too or in some cases even superior to their male counterparts.

Inelegantly spoken, but sure, I agree with you. Not with the part about all women (combined) being not as strong as a single man, but the part where you say some women are better at some things than some men are. Totally true. Women live longer. More women graduate college than men. You’re just as capable performing mental and physical challenges as we are. I think you girls multitask better than we boys do. You’re certainly more organized, you’re more outwardly caring and kind than we are, and you can match colors better than we can. Everything you’re equal.

Got it? Good.

Oh, there’s more you wanted to say? A lot more? Ugh. Fine.

Men also have a slightly larger brain than a woman but it doesn’t mean they are “smarter”. Men and women use the same percentage of grey matter. It is written that woman was created from the rib of the first man who “God created”…hmmm do we take this literally? As literally as a snake and apples and Eve eating the apple. The truth is man cannot be born into this world without women and woman can’t reproduce without a male’s sperm to fertilize her egg.

Stop, Susan, you’re totally turning me on right now. Do go on.

Equality? Not really but some choose to think it is..especially those who have never carried a baby for 9 months. However, there is no greater love, and man has yet to experience it so he can’t honestly say there is, than the infinite love, which again means infinite capacity for suffering, a woman, the mother of man, has and shows in the largest measure.

The hell you say?

She shows it as she carries the infant and is so careful to eat properly and see the Dr, gain the weight she is supposed to in order to produce a healthy baby. A healthy minded woman is already in love with this little creature inside of her long before she ever looks him in the eye. We go through the nine months growing more and more close to him and woman derives joy in the suffering involved in childbirth…maybe not right at the time because it’s very intense but what can beat the suffering caused by the pangs of labour then forgetting how bad it was just by looking into the eyes of this little being who kicked and moved and even hi-cupped inside you! A woman feels the total joy of creation at this time. Believe it or not, at that moment, your eyes automatically seek your partner, the love of your life who this little person is part of…only the two of you. It’s a beautiful tfeeling to see tears well up in the man you’ve never known to cry because society taught him its not okay, not manly… :( Such a role to have to live up to when man has emotions for this kind of thing the same as a woman does!

I don’t mean to be rude, but what does any of this have to do with me? I hope that doesn’t sound too self-absorbed, but you started this essay by saying you were going to address my purported misogynistic tendencies, but now you’re talking about childbirth. Is this going to come back around later? Am I going to have to remember this for when you reference it again in your summary at the end of your comment?

Women in my lifetime, before that and even now, although young girls are going about proving themselves the wrong way, the female sex, not the weaker sex is the nobler of the two, and some cases, even today, in first world countries, the embodiment of sacrifice, silent suffering, humility, faith and knowledge.


But some how or other man has dominated woman through the ages, causing the female gender to develop an inferiority complex. She believed in the truth of man’s teaching that she was inferior to him. But the truth is that the truth about women has been seen among men. A few years ago, men recognized woman’s equal status. Nevertheless there is no doubt that there is still a large division in the minds of many! Although both are fundamentally one, some men with that attitude who end up with a woman who “allows” it, will have daughters who will see this, live it all their lives and in their minds it will be “normal”…so sad! Then, of course, that daughter will be attracted to men like her daddy and it’s one of the main reasons we are still not truly considered equal to a large number of men. Hopefully these men will realize all this at some point in their lives before they become what the young lady described you as being…

Okay, I get that. The young lady (who doesn’t exist because no one called me a misogynist except for myself) called me a name. And you’re saying that it’s because historically men thought they were superior to women, and so I guess you’re saying I’m one of those men. And you hope that I change my ways in the future so that I don’t pass it down to my own children? Is that where this is going? Because you also said that men recognized woman’s equal status a few years ago, which is really cool but could you direct me to that article? The one where men officially recognized women as equal? I think I might have missed it. Did CNN report on it?

I do agree with the author of a book called “Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars.” The biggest difference in man and woman is that women become more emotional at certain times of the month which is because of a change in their hormone levels and they tend to think with their emotions rather than logic. Men don’t know how it feels, whether it is a “natural body function” as you refer to menstruating every 28 days, or not. Someone who still thinks women are not their equal usually just needs to read and educate himself…There are books out there that will teach him about this so he will understand it better and not be so quick to judge the sex who will make him feel like his whole life is complete. He will only find this kind of love and security and sense of wellness if he lets go of the belief that woman is lower than he is. Only then will he find the “right” person.

Thanks for the Sex Ed. lesson. Your citing the whole women-are-emotional-because-they’re-on-the-rag thing will surely go a long way towards dashing that awful stereotype. Can you recommend a book about menstruation for me? Perhaps one aimed at a child, so that I can better understand it on a basic level.

Think about this as you sit and think about writing a rebuttal to my response to your comment here.

I would, if I wasn’t too busy trying to understand what the hell you’re trying to say!

Take it from a woman who is 56 years old and has learned through education and experience and also from any mistakes I have made…we are humans and we should work together, side by side, bring out the best in each other, spend a lifetime together, watching our children, then grandchildren grow up. One thing is for sure in this life, and that is that it’s a journey with a destination. We are going to die at one point, no matter what we do or don’t believe in about an after life. I want to live it as happy and as positive as I can and the only way to do this is to be happy with yourself, not hate, not harm or talk harshly to another person or animal…accept responsibility for our own actions and be very aware that the young people in our lives see every move we make and many times mimic what we say we feel, even if we don’t “actually” feel that way.

Wait, did you say that the only way for you to live your life as happy and positive as you can is to be happy with MYSELF? Listen lady, you’re 56 years old. If someone didn’t tell you at some point that you’re responsible for your own happiness, I guess now is as good a time as any to impart that knowledge. Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. Make your own happiness. Don’t look for me to make you happy. I don’t even know you!

Jst let me say this and let me know honestly if I’m right and which one actually pertains to you.

OK. This should be good.

1. You have a very passive, submissive woman or partner in your life who has a low self-esteem and let’s you dominate every aspect of her life.

2. You have no woman in your life right now and never could stay in a relationship because of this attitude you tend to show in your comments.

or….. wait for it……….oh … wait for it……it’s coming!!!!

3. You are with a very aggressive woman who dominates your entire being and you are being so controlled at home and are so “henpecked” or “pussy whipped” as they call it today, that the only release you have is to get on blogs and chat lines and find young women to put down or talk down to..yes, maybe that’s where you fit in. You wouldn’t be the first or last man to do this!

None of the above. My last relationship was with a girl who had low self-esteem (ah, actresses!) and although I am not in a committed monogamous relationship at the moment I have no problem staying in a healthy, positive relationship. I’ve never dated an aggressive woman who dominates me because, well, that’s not a quality that I find attractive in a woman. Relationships are partnerships, and equality over all else should be the goal for two people. Passiveness, submissiveness and aggression are all qualities that differentiate between people who are capable of happy, strong, committed relationships and people who end up in the three examples you describe. None of those sound like any situation I’d want to be in, so I’m happy to say — honestly — that you’re wrong on all counts.

I don’t really know but I do hope you get to experience what I have in life..

What’s that, senility? Can’t say I’m looking forward to it.

I don’t know how old you are but it seems like you were agreed with the young lady to being older and crotchety but whatever age you are I hope you feel what it can be like to be loved by a woman who loves you and is willing to “fix it” if for some reason over the years, it starts to break…My husband and I embraced it and fixed it. Once you can let go of your beliefs about things, not be so insensitive to the needs of your partner, both men and women, work harder than you’ve ever worked on anything before at educating yourself and breaking down walls that may have been put up for whatever reason, you will start to appreciate the fact that we are equal partners, equally loving and respecting each other in our beliefs and any idiosyncrasies we have.

I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

I wish that for you someday! She will feel like your princess and you will feel like her king in so many good ways!”

Thank you, Susan Miller. Thank you.

Susan Miller can be reached at the e-mail address: — I’m thinking about offering her $50 per post to contribute regularly to Swan Fungus. I think we could all learn a lot from her about arbitrarily quoting random words for effect and writing extremely long run-on sentences that make absolutely no sense. What say you, readers?

Low – I Started A Joke [Bee Gees] [MP3]


  1. Tyler Kent

    Wow, this old broad is psycho…and in great need of some English Composition classes, stat!
    But yeah, I would dig seeing her post now and again provided you’d pick her apart like you did here…I must admit it was fun!

    NP – Hank Mobley / No Room for Squares (I too enjoy Mobley’s work!)

  2. |

    Susan, if I had bothered to read this whole post, I’d have to say: skooled!

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